I’m worried about DS’s engagement

[Gillien]

I have twin sons who are 28, one of them recently got engaged, which I know sounds wonderful but I have some real reservations.

1. Financially he and his partner aren’t in equal footing, she’s from a well to do family( owns a city centre property etc. I asked DH if he had any rights in the case they marry and divorce and he said no as the property is held in a trust.
2. Since they started dating DS has totally given up on his career ambitions. He was doing really well in the private sector until they moved in together, then he moved to an NGO, he claimed morally he didn’t feel at home in the private sector, not anything he would have said before meeting her
3. His partner clearly has quite a domineering personality, we recently visited their flat which they moved into, together at the same time (admittedly funded by her family) it’s all her taste in decor, pinks, corals, oranges, turquoise. None of this is what my DS would have chosen and even his “contributions” he pointed out are clearly in her style, such as he loves Charles Dickens but the portrait they got of him is very abstract and in her colour scheme. It didn’t feel like visiting my sons home
4. He spent over £6000 on the engagement ring, when I asked how on earth he afforded it he told me he just saved for it

Im terrified that they will get married, divorce in 10 years and as he has no rights to the property be 38 and have nothing to show for it. His brother who he used to be really close to has also noticed that he has pulled away and said he gets the feeling that his partner doesn’t like our family very much.

AIBU to be worried? Should I say something?

Starting to see my 20-year-old marriage in a new light - all the decor was chosen by me! <evil cackle>. Dh seems very happy though - maybe his mother is seething!

I’m sat in my lounge. Looking around it right now the only design contribution from DP is the XBox! While he didn’t actually pick anything if you asked him he’d say he really likes the way our lounge is. Why would you automatically assume your son is unhappy with his fiancée’s choices?

I think you need to accept that relationships have their own dynamics and if he’s saved and put effort into an engagement ring he’s happy with how their partnership works.

Don't interfere or it could backfire on you. If he owned the flat, you'd be worried she'd claim half of it in a divorce. So she's being sensible.

I also like the sound of the Charles Dickens print! It's a nice nod to his interests but in an abstract design and colour that suits her tastes too. Good for them that they're learning the art of compromise!

As for his brother, even twins are allowed to grow apart and have different interests. If the twin is that bothered, he should raise it, not you.

Don't say anything OP because you will only alienate yourself further. People change as they get older, maybe your son is different now. My DH mum is a bit like you and now we don't speak. I've been with DH for 15 years and MIL is still convinced I have an agenda. She rings up telling him on speaker phone she wants to make sure I can't get any of her money if she dies, incase I spend it on a new husband. And throughout our relationship she tried to tell him I was having an affair if I was working late. She tried on my engagement ring once and said she should wear it. Totally nuts.

“His brother who he used to be really close to has also noticed that he has pulled away and said he gets the feeling that his partner doesn’t like our family very much.”

Does his brother have form for stirring things up?

I’d hazard a guess that the fiancé has cottoned onto the fact you don’t like her and that you disapprove of the life changes that your son has made. Think of your own mil - feeling judged would make you want to pull away too.

He should have no rights to a house her family have in trust fund. However this will give him an opportunity to save and make investments which are his. My DH has absolutely no interest in decor at all so its all my taste in our home - I am not seeing that as an issue really, many men I know couldn’t give a shit about rugs and cushions!!

I think she is right about the charles dickens portrait - it seems like the best of both worlds to have an abstract painting of him.

Good for him saving up for a ring and I hope he is happy in his job.

Leave them alone- it will work or it won’t. But don’t be that mother in law!!

Please buy this as a wedding present. The bigger the better 😁

In this case you need to mind your own business, keep your mouth firmly shut and be lovely to his fiancée!

Otherwise you’re going to be one of the MIL’s that get moaned about on Mumsnet.

I would be having a quick word to ask if considered his future finances if everything was owned by the dfiance and to make sure he has his own investments etc. I would also do the same for a dd.

The only thing to worry about is that DS is saving or investing enough for his own personal security and future.

What can you say? You should only date people with less money than you?

If he's happy you should let him get on with it. It's not he fault her family are loaded. What's she meant to do, go live in a HMO in Ilford just to make him feel more comfortable?

And of course her flat is decorated how she likes. Is your son really that pressed about home decor that the luxury flat he resides in for peppercorn costs doesn't have the correct portrait of Dickens? If he doesn't like it tell him to buy a different one. But if that's his taste in decor I'm not surprised if his Mrs is keen to keep things more in her style.

He can use the money he'll save on rent on a deposit for a flat in his own name to rent out if you're worried that living in her place will deprive him of the opportunity to get on the property ladder.

There isn’t a single bit of my husbands taste of decor in our house. Doesn’t mean I’m controlling, he just knows how much I love doing up the house and lets me get on with it. I don’t think anything you’re saying sounds overly bad, unless there’s more to the story.

This is a spooky read as you could have been writing about me, right down to the decor choices and DH's siblings complaining he's not so present any more! I'd be the fiancee in this scenario. If it makes you feel any better, DH and I have been married for knocking on 20 years, we are blissfully happy with happy children, we can neither of us imagine life with anyone else (we've discussed this!). Money has been a facilitator rather than an obstacle, what's mine is his and vice versa (and, incidentally, the tables turned after we enshrined that in our wills). I understand why you might be worried, but unless and until you have proof to the contrary that you should, please don't use her money to define her. And, if your son is anything like my husband, he might quite like not having to think about the things that she dominates 😉

I can't think why she doesn't like you. How mysterious.

🤣🤣🤣

You are being unreasonable but it’s totally understandable. Keep smiling, say yes dear, and hold your fire. Just be there when/if it goes tits up

1. This is completely standard
2. Is his (potentially) poor life choice
3. Is probably something he gives zero fucks about.
4. Given he is living rent free 6k should be easy to save and isnt crazy for an engagement ring.

Why would he have any rights to a property he contributed nothing too?

I get why you are concerned he is in a poor financial position (low earnings and seemingly not investing) but its his life

Don't push him away because youre worried.
If the sexes were reversed Im not sure you'd have as much concern. He managed to save up 6k so Im sure he can keep a decent savings pot going for just in case. The decor is probably because it is her house, add to that he might not be bothered by interior design but she is so it is in her taste. So long as he isnt lost in the relationship I think its ok to merge some parts of your personality with the person you are going to share your life with

I actually can't see anything wrong with any of this.
But also. Working for a NGO ffs is not giving up on your career, I actually worked for a NGO in IT, and then crossed over to the private sector, my work colleagues all know that I think standards were higher at the NGO. I moved relatively quickly up the grades once in the private sector and am extremely grateful I got the work experience in at the NGO, not to mention people who were amazing.

There's absolutely nothing concerning here, in the scheme of things to be concerned about when your partner meets and wants to marry someone. He sounds happy, well-suited, made a good career move for him (presumably he wants to do something in an NGO, which is admirable) and they share a taste in decor.

Concerning things are things like huge disparities in wealth, emotional style, abuse, age and so on and even then they may turn out fine.

You will simply push your son away with this level of disapproval over nothing.

I don’t understand why he should be entitled to a property her family own?

Hmm you sound dominating and like you’re jealous. If her family paid for the property, why would he be entitled to it? As long as he has his own savings he won’t need to worry.

It's interesting that men are often applauded for looking after their "Daddy's girl", but women are criticised for being smothering if they look after their sons. You seldom hear a mocking "Mmmy's girl", only "Mummy's boy". I don't know if this goes back to women being supposed to shut up and just accept things, or the idea that it's ok to worry about daughters because us girls are so fragile. Yet the same people who go with these stereotypes say we women are more intuitive, and that we should trust our guts.
But could it be: he really doesn't care about house colours, and is happy to let her pick? I did most of my wedding planning, because my husband really couldn't care less about flower colours, but I wouldn't say I'm controlling. And he's never have picked colourful decor when he lived alone, but he actually quite likes bright stuff now-maybe because young men are "told" that they should have "masculine" colours, so don't think of trying pink. None of us can know if she is really bad news, but Domestic Violence charities do warn that 1 in 3 cases of DV/abuse is a wife controlling her husband. We don't know that this is the case, and I'd certainly not suggest it-I would actually recommend speaking to someone who IS an expert if you are concerned that she is trying to control him. The expensive ring seems crazy to me, but it's not my relationship, and if they're happy, I'd not say anything, as they're adults. Don't give anyone a reason to paint you as the interfering MIL-another infuriating stereotype. Just be friendly, caring and upbeat-if anything is wrong, you don't want any reason for them to be distant from you.

TBH, whilst I do kind of understand your concerns, because being older we can see concerns by just waking up

Hes 28

Hes not a teen, His brain is finally engaging, hes growing as a man

You know this could seriously be the love of his life and the benefits of less outgoings may be the help he needs to find where hes happy in the work place

Aged 28 I was working for the NHS - junior management, working my way up, hating every bloody working moment, having a couple of part time jobs to help the roof over my head

I was around that age when I met my now husband. And I will be the first to admit, most of my views on life have changed, they have had too because previously I had only my own experiences , now I have his past and our joint experiences to draw on so Im a much more rounded human

You know having children, you have to rear them, love them, bring them up as working parts of a community , but that's it, Comes a time when you have to let them go. Go live their chosen lives , make their own mistakes