I’m worried about DS’s engagement

[Gillien]

I have twin sons who are 28, one of them recently got engaged, which I know sounds wonderful but I have some real reservations.

1. Financially he and his partner aren’t in equal footing, she’s from a well to do family( owns a city centre property etc. I asked DH if he had any rights in the case they marry and divorce and he said no as the property is held in a trust.
2. Since they started dating DS has totally given up on his career ambitions. He was doing really well in the private sector until they moved in together, then he moved to an NGO, he claimed morally he didn’t feel at home in the private sector, not anything he would have said before meeting her
3. His partner clearly has quite a domineering personality, we recently visited their flat which they moved into, together at the same time (admittedly funded by her family) it’s all her taste in decor, pinks, corals, oranges, turquoise. None of this is what my DS would have chosen and even his “contributions” he pointed out are clearly in her style, such as he loves Charles Dickens but the portrait they got of him is very abstract and in her colour scheme. It didn’t feel like visiting my sons home
4. He spent over £6000 on the engagement ring, when I asked how on earth he afforded it he told me he just saved for it

Im terrified that they will get married, divorce in 10 years and as he has no rights to the property be 38 and have nothing to show for it. His brother who he used to be really close to has also noticed that he has pulled away and said he gets the feeling that his partner doesn’t like our family very much.

AIBU to be worried? Should I say something?

The one thing that possibly is a concern is his twin saying his brother has pulled away from him.

I've similar worries OP but with my DD ... I don't know why the fact yours is a DS, makes it any different.

Keep quiet, nothing else you can do, but be there to pick up the pieces if it all goes wrong.

@Thatstheheatingon I suppose it depends on what his twin means by “pulling away.” When someone gets into a serious relationship, it’s natural to start telling other people less about your plans and ideas, because you’re now building a joint life with your partner. Whereas you might previously have discussed your career or finances with your sibling, for example, you’re now going to do that with your partner, iyswim.

Tbh, sharing too much with parents and siblings can cause friction in your relationship.

It’s one thing to ask for advice on a particular matter, but I’ve always been careful not to overshare and so has my DH.

My husband and I will look at things together but ultimately I’m the one that pulls the colour scheme together or sets out the room dressing. My husband is keen to input colour choices but leaves shall we say the finessing to me. He hates cushions for example but puts up with them as I like them, he’ll help me choose then puts them to the side of the sofa etc when sitting there. He’s not keen on curtains as we live in a cottage with low windows, so we have Roman blinds as a compromise, I did the legwork picking them and then we chose together from my final choices. Might it be something like that? Especially regarding the painting. I

Yup, I feel really sorry for her. And who knows? Maybe all his giving up career to wirk in an NGO is actually being himself and coming out of his mum’s shadow. OP - police your thoughts and try really hard to get to know her and like her. Do better.

You don't know how his life is going to pan out but you cannot interfere. However, if things don't pan out. He has made his bed. Let him lie in it.

His problem. Not yours

I think the portrait of his favourite author but in her aesthetic preference sounds like a lovely compromise.

i jointly own our home with my husband and it’s all decorated to my taste. It doesn’t mean anything.

i want to know why you think he should be entitled to a property he hasn’t financially contributed to?

You’re complaining about his housing situation when he gets to live rent free? Seriously that’s so entitled, I can’t believe you can’t see how lucky he is compared to others.

also can’t believe you are judging him for wanting to do a job with meaning and purpose.

i judge you love.

Very unreasonable. Like others have said our home is entirely my taste decor even though we share finances because DH has no taste/couldn’t care less. Working for an NGO is a good thing if he likes it and if his partner is well off that gives him financial flexibility. You sound very judgy.

You sound like one of those MILs.

She has a ‘domineering personality’ because she’s decorated a flat in her taste? Do you think he actually cared enough to offer much of an opinion? Generally men don’t care as much about decor, but also it’s her flat!

’Something he would never have said til he met her’. People grow and change. You don’t know him as well as you think you do as he’s now a grown adult with other influences.

You need to be more open minded, get to know her, attempt to like her and welcome her into the family or you will likely lose him.

I really want to see the abstract orange Charles dickens portrait.

If my son met someone and she helped him figure out where he wants to be in his career I’d be happy. If they’d moved in together and it was nicely decorated I’d be happy. If he spent £6000 on an engagement ring I’d be over the moon. You’re clearly one of those mums looking for an issue where there is none

Take it from one who knows, when it comes to adult kids you do and say nothing . Be there to pick up the pieces should it all go drastically wrong but if I’ve learnt anything it’s that adult kids hate hate hate parents having an opinion or god forbid interfering. Vent to your partner or a close trustworthy friend but not to your AC.

my thoughts exactly. Op sounds a bit grabby!

good for the girls parents to hold it all in trust!

Mind your own business 🙄 seriously you want to say something because YOU don’t think he had any say in the bloody colour scheme of THEIR home? Come on.

You can only let your DS follow his path. Be there for him. Welcome her. Treat her as a daughter. The ball is then in her court. Don't give any reason for ds to become distant from his parents, siblings.
Just be there if/when he needs you. Difficult, I know.
We all make decisions that seem right at the time.
With hindsight, I wouldn't have married the first time. My parents never let on until I told them I was getting a divorce that they had never liked him or trusted him. Yet they always treated him the same as anyone else in the family.

I‘m confused by some of this to be honest. If the focus is him having nothing to show property-wise in ten years time, he hasn’t paid for the property he’s living in, why should he be entitled to any of it?

Look at this from the other perspective - imagine YOU funded the property to give your son a stable life etc … you’d be posting about wanting a clause in place to prevent her being able to take half of it leaving him homeless if they have that divorce in ten years … ?

Also, plenty of 30-somethings don’t own their own property these days.

You sound like a potential dreaded MIL! Interfering and finding faults in how your son lives his life since he met his partner. There really isn't anything that you said in your post that warrants your concern. He sounds like a responsible young man who is happy in his work and personal life. You really need to mind your own business! I get he is your son but that doesn't give you the right to interfere in how he lives his life. He is 28 years old! Just be there to offer your support should he ever need it and leave it at that!

I think it’s wonderful that DS can now choose a lower paid but more fulfilling job. Imagine if he had to take the highest paying job he could get, OP would be complaining that the fiancée was forcing him to work long hours in a job he hates just to accommodate her lifestyle.

It really sounds to me like he has landed on his feet, I’m really happy for them.

Your post seems to be based on your perceptions of how future DIL and her family are rather than based on any concerning interactions you've had with them. I'd put these out of your mind and get to know them more before expressing any worries to your son. There's nothing wrong with suggesting he invests in his own property, keeps a savings pot in his name, own pension etc, as long as this is the same sensible advice you are giving to your other son.

Presumably he could go back to working in the private sector if his financial situation changes in the future? If he's having his life subsidised to some extent by his fiancee and her family, then he can choose to earn less without taking a hit to his standard of living so why not?

MIL was like this with my DH's brother. His wife comes from money and she was convinced BIL preferred her family. Since MIL passed away and we've spent more time with BIL, this is clearly not the case and the gripes she used to have about him not replying to her messages etc are just how he is as an adult, as he is just as flaky with us!

My husband always says, he built our house (refurbed Irish cottage with extension) but I designed it. He is very proud of that too.

I voted YANBU because I think it’s perfectly understandable to feel the way you do given the circumstances.
However….
if you start to interfere and express your concerns it will only lead to your son distancing himself further and the rift that seems to be developing between you getting bigger.
I would for now keep quiet and see how things play out.

What “circumstances”? That her son wanted a meaningful job over a profit making one and his fiancée comes from a wealthy family that (rightly) have ensured her interests are protected?

6k on an engagement ring that she will keep when they divorce. A flat she will keep. Career gone. He really has all his eggs in one basket and not in his favour at all. Let's hope he has some right to a share of the flat/house if the worse happens.