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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m worried about DS’s engagement

155 replies

Gillien · 14/10/2025 17:24

I have twin sons who are 28, one of them recently got engaged, which I know sounds wonderful but I have some real reservations.

  1. Financially he and his partner aren’t in equal footing, she’s from a well to do family( owns a city centre property etc. I asked DH if he had any rights in the case they marry and divorce and he said no as the property is held in a trust.
  2. Since they started dating DS has totally given up on his career ambitions. He was doing really well in the private sector until they moved in together, then he moved to an NGO, he claimed morally he didn’t feel at home in the private sector, not anything he would have said before meeting her
  3. His partner clearly has quite a domineering personality, we recently visited their flat which they moved into, together at the same time (admittedly funded by her family) it’s all her taste in decor, pinks, corals, oranges, turquoise. None of this is what my DS would have chosen and even his “contributions” he pointed out are clearly in her style, such as he loves Charles Dickens but the portrait they got of him is very abstract and in her colour scheme. It didn’t feel like visiting my sons home
  4. He spent over £6000 on the engagement ring, when I asked how on earth he afforded it he told me he just saved for it

Im terrified that they will get married, divorce in 10 years and as he has no rights to the property be 38 and have nothing to show for it. His brother who he used to be really close to has also noticed that he has pulled away and said he gets the feeling that his partner doesn’t like our family very much.

AIBU to be worried? Should I say something?

OP posts:
PithyTaupeWriter · 14/10/2025 18:37

OP, do you really think your DS tried to have input into the decor, and she overrid him??!! My guess is that he doesn’t care!
I would tread very carefully if I were you. His choice of partner is going to be one of the biggest decisions he makes in his life. If you let on that you don’t like her, he will pull away and you will wonder why you have little involvement in their lives going forward.

ShesTheAlbatross · 14/10/2025 18:37

If he owned the flat, wouldn’t you advise that he should be careful not to lose it in a divorce? She’s being sensible imo.

potato08 · 14/10/2025 18:38

Say nothing.
Be welcoming.
Accept his choice.
Nothing good will come of interfering

MissyB1 · 14/10/2025 18:38

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 14/10/2025 18:13

You were relieved she ran off on your son because she owned a home and had unique decor?

there is nothing alarming about this young woman. Her future mil on the other hand…

Show quote history

Nope I was relieved because I knew she wasn’t the right one, and he was trying to change himself to keep her. She wasn’t that into him but she wanted the big wedding day (which he was allowed no input into). Anyway sometimes you just have to suck it up and trust in fate!

Uricon2 · 14/10/2025 18:40

You son is not being abused. He is making choices that don't quite suit you, but as a fully grown man he is entitled to make. Both my husbands (widowed from the first) have left all interior dec choices to me because I care and they really didn't/don't.

If you want a relationship with any grandchildren born of this marriage, or more importantly, one with your son, I'd zip it.

Starwomanwaiting · 14/10/2025 18:43

You’re “terrified”, really?

You know owning property isn’t everything. You sound like my MIL. She is obsessed with home ownership. Do your son and his future wife a favour and butt out!

battairzeedurgzome · 14/10/2025 18:49

RetailTherapyMightHelp · 14/10/2025 18:36

“Snobby little bitch”? That’s nice

Show quote history

Seems a very fair and moderate comment in the circumstances.

Skybluepinky · 14/10/2025 18:52

Your are confused, you are controlling, they are just a couple, you have lost control and can’t cope.

BarbarasRhabarberba · 14/10/2025 18:52

MajorcanWater · 14/10/2025 18:22

I get what you're saying, OP.
You had me at NGO
She's obviously a privileged young woman complete with luxury politics and it's rubbed off on your son. Not the worst thing in the world except that he's aligned his job with these new ethics.
He would be better off in many ways in his previous employment but he'll probably have to learn that the hard way.
Obviously you have to smile and pretend all is well.
I'm not sure that saying anything would work out well for you.
Time is probably your greatest ally- as is his brother.
I bet that as reality sets in he'll want to be close to you two again.
And maybe it all works out well. I'm a very different person now than I was at 28- I was pretty self-involved. Hopefully your son will become more assertive and his fiancee a little less dominating.

Edited

What on earth is wrong with working for an NGO? Would you rather he aspired to be an arms dealer or an oil tycoon? Nothing you’ve written about this woman is remotely concerning OP. Why would she redecorate a flat she owned before she met him in his taste? Why should he be entitled to profit from a flat she owned before she met him in a divorce?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/10/2025 18:54

What is stopping him from buying his own place ? he could rent it to tenants or airb&b it etc. If you think it is so important.

Nothing wrong with a £6000 engagement riing, have you seen how much they are these days. I suspect that is around 1ct just and a fairly decent colour / clarity.

SimpleSingleLife · 14/10/2025 19:01

YANBU to worry but you definitely shouldn’t say anything. Nothing good will happen if you do. Nothing. Just keep your counsel and try to treat them like you love them both and are happy for them. It may all work out fine anyway.

Homegrownberries · 14/10/2025 19:04

Nobody wants a portrait of Charles Dickens in their house. That is not her being controlling. That's you looking for faults. Cop yourself on.

PortSalutPlease · 14/10/2025 19:07

Gillien · 14/10/2025 17:24

I have twin sons who are 28, one of them recently got engaged, which I know sounds wonderful but I have some real reservations.

  1. Financially he and his partner aren’t in equal footing, she’s from a well to do family( owns a city centre property etc. I asked DH if he had any rights in the case they marry and divorce and he said no as the property is held in a trust.
  2. Since they started dating DS has totally given up on his career ambitions. He was doing really well in the private sector until they moved in together, then he moved to an NGO, he claimed morally he didn’t feel at home in the private sector, not anything he would have said before meeting her
  3. His partner clearly has quite a domineering personality, we recently visited their flat which they moved into, together at the same time (admittedly funded by her family) it’s all her taste in decor, pinks, corals, oranges, turquoise. None of this is what my DS would have chosen and even his “contributions” he pointed out are clearly in her style, such as he loves Charles Dickens but the portrait they got of him is very abstract and in her colour scheme. It didn’t feel like visiting my sons home
  4. He spent over £6000 on the engagement ring, when I asked how on earth he afforded it he told me he just saved for it

Im terrified that they will get married, divorce in 10 years and as he has no rights to the property be 38 and have nothing to show for it. His brother who he used to be really close to has also noticed that he has pulled away and said he gets the feeling that his partner doesn’t like our family very much.

AIBU to be worried? Should I say something?

Well if it’s owned in Trust he isn’t going to paying any rent or a mortgage so he should have plenty of savings to show for it if it doesn’t work out….

FlayOtters · 14/10/2025 19:12

God this is EXACTLY what I'm scared of becoming as a mother of boys. May save this in my 'how not to behave' folder.

LooseCanyon · 14/10/2025 19:14

Should I say something?

You should definitely say something, OP. It can only go well.

Neversaynever2893 · 14/10/2025 19:16

Carry on and you will lose your son. Believe me, it happened to my MIL. You have had your life, let him live his.

Barney16 · 14/10/2025 19:22

It's his personal business not yours. As a mother of sons I would advise you very strongly to not interfere. He's a man and he has to make his own decisions. .

Redburnett · 14/10/2025 19:28

Do not say anything! Your DS is an adult and all you can do is support him in his decisions, whatever you feel about them.

LoveItaly · 14/10/2025 19:29

I would be worried about the property aspect, too. I would urge him to save and try to buy his own as an investment, and make sure that in the event of a split she wouldn’t be entitled to half of his whilst her property is protected in a trust.

Bumdrops · 14/10/2025 19:30

You are making lots of
assumptions
anxious predictions
what if’s ….

don’t alienate him,
don’t judge
let him get on with it

Hiptothisjive · 14/10/2025 19:31

Is this for real or are you that judgmental and looking for reasons to not like this girl OP.

Nothing you have said is a worry at all and quite frankly the way you have blamed her for some of these things is proportioning no ‘blame’ to your son.

You are being extremely unreasonable:

BlueFlowers5 · 14/10/2025 19:33

Working for an NGO is his choice and one he can validly make as his work and making a living. His choice.

Laura95167 · 14/10/2025 19:37

Im sorry if they divorce why should he get her assests? He would have a claim on anything jointly owned?

Also you dont like the portrait hes picked of Charles Dickens because its her colour scheme? Talk about first world problems.

This post comes across as grabby

Irenesortof · 14/10/2025 19:38

He's met a woman he's happy with and adopted some of her preferences. Perfectly normal. If you're worried about him not co-owning their home, you could suggest he starts a savings account so he has a deposit if he needs it later on.

TryingToBeHelpful267 · 14/10/2025 19:39

Don’t say anything. He must want to be with her so let him. The relationship may be completely doomed but the only thing you can do is sit back, watch and be there when/if he needs you.

Either become good at being fake or find something to like about her. Be an absolute delight. Never criticise her, even if he does. Just listen and be supportive.