I hate my DSD

[8842688l]

There I said it. Got it off my chest

shes a horrible, manipulative, spiteful girl who treats everybody like shit.

nothing more to say just needed to get it off my chest.

Wild horses could not drag me to live with other people's children. My own teens gave me a hard enough time.

Honestly, OP, live separately and continue your relationship that way.

Yes but the point is, when teens become challenging, which is a very normal process, their parents still love them through it while detesting their behaviour. And although they find this stage very tough, they don’t loathe and blame the teenager for it.

I remember a dear old lady who lived on the ground floor of the house where I had a flat. For years, her daughter came to visit, and then one day out of the blue she mentioned a son. I expressed surprise, because I had no idea she had another child. Very sadly, she told me that she was relieved he never came to see her because "I must admit I don't like him very much." She described a few things he'd done that I supposed nowadays (this was years ago) would have him classed as a psychopath. As a child, he worried her; as a teenager, he frightened her.

Some people are just wired up wrong. And a deprived childhood does not have to turn you into an arsehole. My DH had the most horrendous childhood and is the kindest person you can imagine. He's way more considerate than I am.

Scheming, manipulative people are rather special I think. It's beyond natural selfishness because they have actually thought things through and planned them, and either don't give a shit about hurting others or actually relish it.

I think you are also comparing apples to oranges, or just choosing to misinterpret my post. The point I was making was having two different and contradicting parenting approaches causes confusion and chaos. Absolutely no hate towards single parents but it is much easier to offer a stable and consistent parenting approach if only one parent is taking full parental decisions.

Regardless, if the steady life in parent is offering steady live in parenting it would make a difference. From your own posts your DH has tried the soft approach, the hard approach, and every other approach in these few years she’s loved with you. It doesn’t sound particularly consistent outwith whatever her DM has/hasn’t done.

Have you always been emotionally immature OP?

She’s a teenager in the height of hormones. Of course she’s unpleasant.

You sound worse, at your age you should know better. It’s ok not to be best friends or love her, but to hate her and avoid her? You’ve got problems.

Teenage girls do lie and manipulate, or at least try to, that's not unusual. But some of the people trying to say it's all your fault should read "We need to talk about Kevin". OK it's fiction but there are children who are pretty much like that.

My sympathy OP. I got through my kid's teenage years by constantly repeating a phrase picked up on MN - your child needs you most when you like them least. My husband would remind me there were worse kids out there. If she is not doing drugs and pregnant and is still in school then it could be worse.

If you can survive and you and her dad put up a united front you might be able to turn this round,

Lying to social services about abuse is not related to being a hormonal teen. It’s calculated and cunning and points to being a psychopath without empathy and who will stop at nothing to get what she wants. 99% of teens wouldn’t have it in them to do that.

Where is her mother in all of this? Does she spend time with her often? Any wider family able to offer support?

I can tell that you’re at the end of your tether and completely fucked off and I would feel the same I think. Mind you, I couldn’t imagine living with someone who already has children because I just don’t think I’d be able to treat them as if they’re my own but that’s just me.
I don’t think she’s ’a poor girl’ but I do think that she’s possibly reacting to the shitty circumstances that she’s gone through. She’s been removed from her mum for whatever reason. She’s come to live with you and her dad and the two shiny new small children, plus shitty hormones at that age and it’s a recipe for disaster.
I don’t think you should divorce your husband but I do think it would be better if he moved out with his daughter. The current set up isn’t working for anyone. Good luck.

Honestly I feel for you. After the social services involvement that girl would have been out the door and back to her mums faster than she could blink. Dad could see her away from the house.
If he didn’t agree I’d have kicked him out as well.
Is sending her back to her mum not an option? You say she has no problems with her. So let her have her full time. Dad can visit if he wants to but she doesn’t come back to your home

I had one of these, it was all her mother projecting on her & hormones. She had a lot of issues and she was a nightmare. We are now 6 years on and really close and she realised what a waste of space her mother was and what she was doing.

It does get better. It took a lot of support and encouragement for her to realise I was not the bad one and I was there for her. DH not a great help because he didn't acknowledge a lot of it at the time which we have reflected on.

As I said, we have a really good relationship now.

You are absolutely delusional to think that reporting neglect to authorities is normal teenage girl behaviour.

My mother and I got into some right disagreements when I was younger and really didn’t get on very well for some years that was NORMAL teenage behaviour, would I have reported my parents to the authorities for neglect. No because I knew very well the impact and the consequences should I have done that to very innocent people.

Whoever said narcissistic hit the nail on the head.

I have been kind, caring and supportive for long enough. Sorry that I’ve offended you for not tolerating such nonsense. My children are the most important thing to me, imagine a child alleging something that would cause them upset and distress for what - nothing because the child is far from neglected. What if she’d alleged something much harder to prove, absolutely appalling behaviour and shocking that you think this is normal.

I understand how you feel, however, as a PP said, why are you in her life?
Get out, for yourself.

I’m very obviously not saying that, and you can tell by the way I didn’t use any of those words.

I made zero comment on whether children know right from wrong, and criminal culpability isn’t solely informed by knowing right from wrong.

There is literally no reasoning for the age of criminal responsibility being 10. Read up on it. It’s the lowest in Europe (now Scotland have increased it) and that’s not because of some special maturity children have in England Wales. As you point out, there’s no ‘magic switch’ at 18 so why would there be one at 10?

Not always the case. One of my brothers was just plain nasty, sneaky nasty and cruel from the age of around 14. We'd all been brought up the same and the rest of us normal kids. My parents tried everything to help him out, he actually got even better treatment than the rest and it did nothing to help. Some kids are just little shits.

So she came to live with you at 12, 3 years ago? You have a 6 and 4 year old so you had a 3 and 1 year old? That’s going to be incredibly difficult age gap even in biological children.

It’s hard to understand the situation with so little info. I know you say you’re not looking for advice but surely you are if you keep posting.
Why did she move out of DM at 12? Does DM have new DP or children too? Does she still have contact with DM?

As others have said it can be possible to move out with your children and continue some relationship with DP whilst he focusses on DD.

But your language, vitriol and anger are yours to own and manage. If I was your therapist I’d be pushing you harder to not see your DP and yourself and children as the victims and your DD as some little monster. That isnt helpful or true.

Your DP decided to have 2 children with another woman when his DD was 8 years old and likely struggling back then. She had no say in the life you have all given her. Was her mother just as selfish? How will you feel when your DP decides to hear another child with another woman in 8 years time and it’s your children going off the rails? I’m not sure you’ll see him as the saint then.

All the posters clutching their pearls at how mean they think you’re being 🙄

OP I feel the same way about my friends 14 year old. She’s a horrible girl. Yes she might improve with age (my DS was a horror from about 12 but he’s absolutely delightful as a young adult) but right now I loathe her. Shes nasty, spiteful, rude, ungrateful, aggressive and manipulative.

YANBU.

I agree OP, making false allegations is not normal behaviour and beyond very young children is inexcusable. My youngest, age 7 or 8 at the time, once phoned Childline about some grievance, (bedroom tidying). Even at that age she was very sheepish afterwards and knew she was being unfair and shouldn't have done it. Her siblings, both around the same age also told her off. She didn't even lie as well, we did stop her watching TV and made her go to her room to tidy it.
My daughter is now a young adult and we laugh about it, I think she's still a little bit embarrassed though.
As difficult as they all were as teenagers, making false allegations about anyone, not just parents, it so far from normal I don't know why people are making excuses for her.

This is absurd. The OP has my full sympathy, it sounds an awful situation but while a 15 year old should of course be aware of right/wrong and responsible for their own actions, lying to social services is not "pyschopathic". Teenagers have impulse control issues at the best of times. She may well not have given any thought to the consequences. Of course if she's done other stuff that is actually pyschopathic then she needs urgent help for everyone's sake, but we don't know if she has (or what she has).

Again OP, you have all my sympathy it sounds an awful situation but one I think you need to get yourself and your smaller kids out of as soon as possible.

Therapists don't tell you your feelings are wrong. That is literally the point of a therapist, to listen to your feelings and help you manage them in a non-judgmental way.

I think you should live separately from him and his child for your own mental health and that of your children's. They deserve a calm and happy home. I wouldn't see it as a break in the relationship, just as a break in living together, just until she's old enough to live alone, and then I'd live together again.

Then I would seriously be questioning the apparent support you are receiving.

And the fact you are still are using words like normal, narrasisst etc proves it.

No it isnt normal and any one who actually has a proper understanding of child development, impact of attachment along with the overlay of blended families would.

What she did isnt unforgivable. And I would seriously caution your mindset, because currently you still have small children who for the most part are still fully influenced and controlled by you.

In 10 years time that wont be the case. They will be primarily influenced by the peers. Which if they have a fairly stable and secure attachment type isnt to high risk.

How ever, throw in a few adverse situations and that can all change. Bullying, social media impact, poor self esteem. The list is fucking endless.

Then you could be facing a teen who hates the sight of you, experiments with drink or drugs, negative sexual experiences. And now the wheels have come all the way.

Zero control, poor emotional regulation, anger. And you could well end up sitting exactly were you are now.

Of course anger comes with dealing with teens with issues. But that anger becomes toxic and damaging to the child when it loses emotional maturity and regulation and compassion. With a dose of empathy.

Which you dont have.

Teens dont turn around and learn without a strong support base to do it. And plenty do. The world is full of perfectly functioning, happy, productive adults who went through hell as teens.

I really feel for this poor kid. And your other kids. Grown ups make choices for their own happiness and the kids get dragged along.

This girl has suffered, hugely. She has not been prioritised by anyone. You comparing with your own teenage years is, as you say, comparing 'apples with oranges'. Did your parents separate? Was your mum 'a nightmare'? Did you have to accommodate the arrival of two half siblings who got to live with their mum and dad, your dad, all the time while you only saw him from time to time?

This girl has suffered, OP. And she has had no choice about any of the things that have happened to her. She is hurt, angry and lashing out. The fact you have no empathy with this, and her parents take no responsibility for it, preferring instead to blame each other, is only exacerbating her feelings of abandonment.

No you're not obliged to care but don't expect a big pat on the back. This girl is being set up for a very unhappy life.

Wow you hate a child, you need help

feel sorry for the kid

So many people seem to want to excuse the unexcusable here. The OP isn't dealing with normal teenage antics by the sound of it. She's probably dealing with a narcissistic personality who will stop at nothing, including harming those around her to get what she wants.
We talk all the time about narcissists on mumsnet but they don't materialise out of thin air when they become mils. They develop that way as young people or may even be born that way, I don't know. But I do know they exist and they cause untold harm to those around them if given the opportunity.
It's too easy to blame bad parenting and sometimes that may be to blame. And environmental circumstances obviously contribute.
But some people are just bad ones and no amount of good parenting will alter that. You have my sympathy, OP. It sounds horrific.