I hate my DSD

[8842688l]

There I said it. Got it off my chest

shes a horrible, manipulative, spiteful girl who treats everybody like shit.

nothing more to say just needed to get it off my chest.

So top tip - if you don't love the child don't marry their dad? Because that is likely to bring you into frequent contact, which is unlikely to be good for either of you, much less the subsequent children you then choose to add to the shitshow.

But no, heaven forbid the adult make a mature decision/sacrifice, after all they're 'in luuuurrve' and that surely overrides any consideration of what is good for the children involved.

'I wouldn’t say a danger no but I do think she’s a lunatic'

That poor, poor child. Imagine living with an adult who thought this about you. I hope she gets the support she needs elsewhere as soon as possible and gets away from this situation.

And OP wonders why this child is screaming out for help. Jfc.

I mean I'd have an intense dislike for someone who did that and put my children under SS eyes for no good reason and I'd not forgive them. 15 years old is definitely old enough to be aware of the impact that would have had on the family.

OP, your anger is palpable. I think you need better therapy and a toolkit for dealing with it.

Once you have found a way to manage your anger, then you will need to dig deep a build a relationship with this child. Even if it is one sided. Even if she is horrible. This is part of the deal.

It’s not ok to be avoiding your DSD in her own home. No 15 year old will be clear eyed and rational about that. There is a huge amount of work to be done.

But it sounds like that isn’t what you want to do

Well you lost what little sympathy I might have had for you with that comment.

I have a friend who is in a very similar position and I completely understand where you are coming from OP. I don't know the answer unfortunately, but I hear you and I would feel the same.

From the OP: ‘it’s a fucking huge thing to accuse parents of, I hope one day your children make you experience something similar and we will see how you feel afterwards’

There is a level of toxic bitterness here that is a huge red flag. OP- you are not coming across well here and the tone and content of these posts undermine your position that DSD is entirely to blame.

Is there something else wrong in your life? Alcohol dependency or some other factor? The original post read like you may have been drinking

@StarlightRobot I think that her Dad should be focusing on getting his DD on track tbh, with the OP’s support, of course. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect the OP to do much until he’s put in that work.

Yes but the op is in a situation with a child whose mother, as you say, couldn't cope.

There was already dysfunction in the picture when the op entered onto the scene.

That's my question.

As @fireandlightening has just posted, these blended situations take active management before you even start on a dysfunctional ex in the background, or dc who have been emotionally affected. All too often the second family unit is comprised of two halves of two family units that didn't work and yet there is then surprise when all that combination results in problems.

Divorce definitely doesn't always result in problems - and for many children it is the far better option when things are toxic, But responsible parents prioritise the dc from that point.

As the mother of two fifteen year olds I can assure you that they definitely do not "know exactly what they are doing". Their understanding of the world and how other people respond is at best patchy. There is a good reason why they have no vote and are protected from men 30 years older in law.

Whilst the 15 year old must take responsibility for her actions, to the extent that she is able to conceptualise the outcomes, that standard surely applies to OP too.

The 15 year old will know that calling Child Services will be a load of hassle, and she might think they will uncritically take her side, so that her cry for help will be heard, and her father and OP will be told to parent her differently, and she will be universally acknowledged as the victim.. But she definitely will not be able to conceptualise the fear and perhaps shame that she has dumped on her father and OP, nor that there might be negative impacts on her relationships. Her maturity seems more like that of a child who dramatically packs their suitcase because they can't have biscuits for tea- so emotionally she is about ten years behind.

Teenagers are typically selfish, traumatised children have a lower understanding than their chronological age. In addition, the developmentally normal thing is to be separating from her parents and becoming independent. That's all going to be a difficult mix.

It is understandable that OP wants to step away from living with her, but she isn’t blameless at all. That's actually where I see the real problem down the line- the most likely outcome is that DSD will sort herself out and have a happy productive adult life. I can certainly imagine a situation where she comes to OP and her father and says, "I felt your hate from the off, and I know my happiness is despite your best efforts. You knew exactly what you were doing, didn't you?"

I have friends who have 5 children between them - 3 from the one parent and 2 from the other parent - no children together. One of the 5 is a nightmare, has hit the step parent, lied about the step parent and caused no end of problems to the point social service were involved and removed the child to their own flat - as they were 17 by this point.

Unfortunately sometimes a child causes problems is psychotic and doesn't care who they hurt. Move on 10 years and they have ended up in prison for the most ridiculous crime, due to not taking responsibility for their won actions. Couldn't be more different from their sibling, who now takes it upon themselves to try and sort out the mess they make

I’m really glad someone else said this because I didn’t even want to defend myself here but I completely agree. That reply is insane to me. She calls the SD a lunatic? And the mother everything else under the sun?

One might even consider that her DH has a type.

So top tip - if you don't love the child don't marry their dad?

Exactly.

@BruFord

That’s a fair point but I see the work to be done by the father as happening alongside the work the OP needs to do. This will require action on multiple fronts.

I would add one more thing…

You need to prepare to leave your DH with your children. You can't sustain the status quo for much longer. And the only healthy option for you and your children is a divorce.

I agree with you @Calliopespa but tbf, her SD probably wasn’t acting in this way years ago when the OP met her husband.
Her husband needs to take control of the situation and do everything he can to get his DD back on track.

He does, but if the biological mum is really all that the op is claiming, she should have seen the trajectory.

There's no point building a house by a river then complaining when it floods.

Sounds as though sd she has some kind of personality disorder which has obviously not been helped by circumstances. Not very easy to deal with in any type of family.

Either she stays with him
somewhere else or you call it a day. Blended families are not an easy ride and sometimes just don’t work.

You come across really badly here OP - defensive, lacking in empathy, lacking in the ability to see other points of view, hostile, overdramatising the social services referral (if the home environment is good then there was no real risk to your kids - she was just being a stupid teenager not thinking things through), etc. All this probably explains why people are assuming you might be a big part of the problem here. Add to that the fact that lots of kids grow up perfectly well in coparenting relationships where they have one stable parent and the other is unstable, and you and your DP have had full custody for the last couple of years, and that teenagers do tend to be a handful, and that's why people are reacting badly to the way you feel. Most decent people tend not to go around hating teenage girls even when they are a pain the butt - plus apart from the social services referral you've really failed to give many examples of her horrific behaviour - you've just talked on and on about how much you hate her.

And if this poor child has some kind of diagnosable personality disorder (which is absolutely a possibility - if not a high likelihood) then it only makes OP sound worse. This is not only a mental health issue it is a recognised disability/neurodivergence. She has not chosen to be this way and is not evil nor a lunatic. They often stem from abandonment issues amongst other abuses. OP might be having an awful time but the focus needs to be on helping this literal child before she gets herself into much worse trouble. There are things that can and should be done here.

OP can say all she wants about what a perfect father her DH is to her precious cherubs but like it or not he has and continues to let down his eldest child.

If you really don't want to hear from people who think you're being unreasonable, OP, perhaps you should get the thread moved from AIBU to Step Parenting or something. Although it probably doesn't make much difference now.

Surely if the DM believes everything she says she believes the neglect allegations and she would stop or restrict access?

doesn’t make sense unless she’s just believing what she wants to believe when it suits.

Honestly if DH feels the same as you, at this point I would just say “look you can’t stay /co-live here until your attitude resolves - we have younger children we have to consider”

she can still have access to dad (and siblings if appropriate) maybe during the day at weekends etc but in a more neutral environment outside the home and it means you can give it a miss.

Agree with every word of this post! Very well said.