I hate my DSD

[8842688l]

There I said it. Got it off my chest

shes a horrible, manipulative, spiteful girl who treats everybody like shit.

nothing more to say just needed to get it off my chest.

I don’t think people are saying divorce alone would be this traumatising, it’s more the combination of divorce plus having a mother who was sufficiently crap that DSD couldn’t stay living with her (even part time) after age 12, and who then moved far away.

I did not realise she had young kids with this man, so I should not have said she could leave them to heal as a family of she felt so upset by being around the 15 year old.

What about his family with the 2 younger DCs? What about their family? Why does this entirely revolve around the older child - who is old enough to understand that she needs to engage with the help offered (counselling etc) if she is indeed traumatised.

ETA I see you have updated not realising there were other children involved.

But for context, nearly 4m children live in separated/post divorce homes. Not even the majority of them are ‘traumatised’ by this, and certainly not to the extent described here. There are underlying, possibly as yet undiagnosed issues, in this child’s case - after all she has been handed off by her bio mother full time. Whether this is because of her behaviour or because the mother also has issues (so heritability of MH issues combined with childhood trauma at her mother’s hands may be involved) we cannot know from these posts. But this is not normal teen behaviour by any stretch of the generally accepted understandings of teen angst and puberty.

Oh honestly the dramatics are coming from you. I didn’t say once she harmed my children a poster asked if I felt like they were at risk of harm and I said no. Either read all of the thread or do not bother. The replies from people selectively choosing parts that validate their argument are ridiculous.

Is neglect not abuse? Where do the lies stop, because if it does go down a path of abuse if you can start with neglect?
it’s a fucking huge thing to accuse parents of, I hope one day your children make you experience something similar and we will see how you feel afterwards.

Over indulgence is also neglect. It neglects the child's need for boundaries and guidance. This is not the gotcha you think it is.

And of course there are genetic factors. That doesn't remove the responsibility of adults to apply good parenting. Epigenetics are a thing.

OP you're clearly at the end of your tether and I imagine separation is the option although I would ask is there a prospect of her leaving in 3 years' time to study or something?
I'm sorry you’re going through this.

Ah quite the mind boggle isn’t it. Divorce and parents breaking up is traumatising and horrendous for a child, but children of step mothers… perfectly fine

It's very very rare for people to actually be evil.

It's extremely common for people to be stupid, selfish, frightened, self-loathing, angry, anxious or hurt to the extent that they do things others then perceive as evil.

It wasn’t a gotcha. It was pointing out there is more nuance than ‘narcissists are the result of neglect’ [paraphrased] that was proffered above. Not all parenting fails (over indulging and not recognising the lack of boundaries) is neglect. It’s just inexperienced and clueless parenting.

But feel free to try and flex intellectually when it’s irrelevant to the thread.

It has been a interesting read from you both even if not quite relevant.

OP - I am glad you got it off your chest and frankly I am with you .
Luckily I love my DSD x2 - and have been very lucky with them and our relationship.
but only on MN do you get this idea that all women who are in a relationship with a man with children, need to be bloody mary poppins crossed with St teresa.
At 15 that girl knows exactly what she is doing - and yes she wanted to cause trouble for you by calling SS etc.
This isnt just a bit of sulky/nasty teen angst - that is properly deliberately harmful

You really do not have to like her...she's not your child.

Op, you came here to vent, I get it.

But besides venting here, what would be a good outcome of the situation do you think? Is it that she goes to live with her mother again (is that even possible?) Because the way I see it, and without knowing any of the background, the family dynamics here are deeply damaging (to you and your children, not just to your stepdaughter) to continue as you are.

You also say that your dh is a good man. What steps is he instigating/ has he instigated to attempt to make the situation better for you all?

For the avoidance of doubt, I'm with those saying that this girl sounds incredibly damaged by what sounds like a traumatic relationship with/ separation from her mother. I understand your feelings of anger and, most likely, hopelessness. But simply feeling those things isn't going to change your situation for the better. What's the plan now that you know you can't live with her?

@8842688l I really feel for you and your family. I have some experience of what you are going through and it is a living hell. We did have Early Help involvement, and she was amazing, thank god, and her words and support got me through, just! She said that parental abuse was on the rise, and that this was the case with our family. Dd also reported us to the police!

I also have younger children and I know only too well the stress of trying to protect them from their sister.
She did eventually get through, but it took years and I genuinely think we all have some form of PTSD, some of her behaviour was so extreme. Please feel free to pm if you ever need a rant.

Stand your ground @8842688l

I would also tentatively suggest getting some outside support for you and your family. Dd also refused to engage with any help available, but that doesn’t mean you can’t access it. It was a lifeline for me.

Maybe it is not normal behaviour for a teen but it is the behaviour of this man's teen and he needs to parent the child he has, not just throw up his hands if the behaviour doesn't meet some arbitrary standard of 'normal'.

Therapy, my health visitor and my children’s need for me are the ONLY things that are keeping me afloat at the moment.

Crap parenting is neglect. I find it hard to see how this could be argued. If you don't parent well, you are neglecting your responsibility to the child. Being inexperienced and clueless is an explanation but not an excuse.

I also think that respectfully, most families will not experience teenage behaviour on this scale. I’m not talking about bunking off school or getting pissed in the park with your mates, or eye rolls and attitude.
DD’s behaviour was destructive, out of control and at points I thought she wouldn’t survive.
I

Living with that fear for years and years, while trying to have some semblance of normality for your younger children is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I can’t describe how awful it was. Nothing and nowhere was safe.

I always feel a bit sorry for kids who are forced to live with their parents latest partner, and feel like a second class citizen in their own home. I often wonder what psychological issues it causes them.

unfortunately OP, teenagers can be a ducking nightmare even when they are your own. But when they are not your own; it must be 1000 times worse.

I’m not a crap parent btw. I think that would have been flagged up by the different agencies we came in to contact with. I’m good enough, like the majority of parents.

None of us like every other adult we meet so why are we expected to like every child we meet ? It is impossible, some children are horrid. A child can be manipulative, vindictive, can say awful hurtful words and of course use violence so whats to like ? Every outraged person on here ask yourselves if a child was bullying your child would you like them, of course you wouldn't.

Hey OP
you sound like you’ve had an absolute gut full of the shenanigans that come with the step daughter -
it’s been bad for a long time and you can see it’s not getting better and you are recognising the huge detrimental impact it is having on everyone and you are at breaking point
so you are planning to move you and your kids out, keep in touch with your husband, but he remains with his troubled daughter and it’s his responsibility to manage -

it sounds like all the hateful energy you are feeling from a very difficult situation has fuelled you to take good decisive action -
well done 👍
we see so many posts about bad toxic environments and the poster does not engage with prioritising their own kids ,
I think you are sound 👍

Yes, that's why those of us who find other people's children annoying stick to our own where at least the hormones keep us going until we crash into menopause.😁

There are so many naive people on here who don't realise how manipulative and horrible can these 'poor kids' can be!