I hate my DSD

[8842688l]

There I said it. Got it off my chest

shes a horrible, manipulative, spiteful girl who treats everybody like shit.

nothing more to say just needed to get it off my chest.

I'm sorry you've been given such a hard time with posters. In Mumsnet saying "step" is the prelude of horrible posts without empathy of any kind.

A good friend has a g/d she no longer sees. She's 19/20 now and left home a couple of years ago when her parents couldn't deal with her behaviour and told her to go and find her own path in life. She had lied, done drugs, left home at 15 and was found with a man 30 years older and returned home. Her parents couldn't control her school attendance, they'll drive her to the school, and she'd leave shortly after saying she was sick. She didn't care about school at all.

Her parents tried engaging her in weekly private psychology for many years but she refused to attend. The police or social services didn't help at all. At 16 she was old enough to make decisions and that was that.

My friend and her daughter have cried themselves to sleep for many years thinking of her but no one could control her behaviour, and mom had 2 other children small children (full siblings) at home to care for.

I feel for you

I think if you’re not married, take DP off the mortgage and recompense his contribution so he can find somewhere for them both to live nearby and see how the relationship goes from there. It may be over or it may not be but your DC will be better off and your SD will reach adulthood soon enough.

I haven’t moaned once, I’ve given my opinion back. If you raise your opinion, I am able to come back on it with my view, am I not?

You don't get to decide what other people find traumatic just because it is inconvenient to you that they find it so.

Family breakdown is a recognised Adverse Childhood Experience correlated with poor mental health outcomes. Living between two homes is hard (which is why so few separated parents opt for the 'nesting' route - it's inconvenient and uncomfortable, far easier to push that burden onto their children). Having half siblings to compare yourself to, who get to live with both their parents all the time, who get more of your parent than you do of either of yours, is galling and upsetting and unless incredibly sensitively managed damaging to self esteem.

How far do you take this 'it's not that bad so pull your socks up' approach to trauma? Are children who are verbally abused not allowed to feel trauma because the abuse was not sexual? Are those who are sexually abused not allowed to feel trauma because they weren't beaten? My mother died suddenly by suicide - am I allowed to poo poo the grief of my friends whose mothers died peacefully in their sleep of old age?

There is no 'real' trauma. Trauma is a response in the brain, its no more 'real' or 'unreal' than anything else that happens there, and can be caused by a number of different things of varying objective severity depending on the context and the individual experiencing it.

treat those how you wish to be treated.

Oh come on!! Really??? This is a wild hop, skip and a jump away from what the OP is saying. She’s at the end of her tether and considering ending her relationship not murdering a child FFS … Mumsnet is meant to be for asking and receiving appropriate advice, not writing a fecking episode of Eastenders 🙄 I know there is a lot of stepparent bashing on here but this post takes the absolute biscuit!!

Mine is now an adult op and I've got to that exact point this weekend. Nearly 2 decades of tolerating shit and I'm absolutely done after the final straw.

Why is it so much worse to admit that you feel so resentful about another human being who is destroying your life?

I find it interesting that the DSD’s mother is such an evil, spiteful and horrendous piece of work but not quite so evil, awful and horrendous that DSD could be legitimately extensively traumatised by living with and subsequently being abandoned by her.

That they are bloody lucky not to have had to go through what their older sister has, to have both their parents together and invested in their wellbeing.

It’s hard to believe you’re real OP. Your random sarcastic replies just don’t seem very serious. I hope this is all a windup because if there are real children involved it sounds volatile and at least one of the adults sounds ill equipped to handle it.

Okay, that also sounds very difficult for a young child to deal with. Her parents divorce, her mum moves her miles away, new school, doesn't see her dad much because of the distance etc.

I'm not saying no one should ever get divorced, but anyone who does needs to be realistic about the negative consequences on their children. Then if they're being realistic they can significantly reduce the negative impacts and the kids can be fine.

But by thinking that divorce is not a trauma and sticking our heads in the sand, the negative consequences go unaddressed, leading to long term problems.

I'm not saying it's on you too fix btw, OP. It's on the parents.

That we starve her, that we do not wash her clothes so she has to wear soiled things (the actual version of events was she was asked to bring her washing down in order for us to wash it, she got angry at the suggestion and refused and said she doesn’t want them done), that we don’t give her food for school so she’s starved there too (even though she said she didn’t want packed lunch and we loaded her parentpay card), that she’s not allowed to go in the shower/bath… to add to that when asked not just her, other children in house as well

👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

”different children have different needs and you are very, very lucky to have both your parents here loving and supporting you throughout every stage of your life. Your older sister has had to come through a lot and she needs to be parented to reflect that.”

Not hard.

I presume (hope) social Services quickly came to the view that she was lying

I’m interested to know what happened then? Did they have a strong word with her about making shit up and wasting everyone’s time? Did they suggest any kind of process like a CAHMS referral to help figure out why she is so angry that she would do this?

It’s a bit unhelpful if they just go oh well just a spiteful teenager making it up and close the file.

Right and I assume you were quite easily able to disprove these claims - what with the history of loaded parent pay, her teachers agreeing and your younger children always showing up to school/nursery/etc washed clean and fed. So what real danger did she put your own DC in, really?

You sound immature. She is 15 and you are the adult. What a sad situation.

I'm sorry OP. Some people on here just get vicarious pleasure from twisting the knife.

It sounds horrendous, this manipulation and psycho drama tends to be girls (there's another thread here about step son household disruption which tends to be more physical).

I am surprised that a young person of this age who has caused so much disruption in the family, to the extent that social services and the police have been involved, cannot be compelled to undergo some sort of therapy - which many people on here have recommended as a positive solution! It simply shouldn't be possible for her to refuse to address aspects of her own poor behaviour, as well as all the 'wrongs' that have been done to her. She will find that concern and interest in her 'troubles', and the allowances that people are making for her, dry up pretty quickly once she turns 18, and she will know nothing except how to get what she wants by making other people's lives a misery. Another completely useless person who will grow up believing everyone else is to blame for their shit.

this, leave them together as a family to heal.

Because parents, specially moms/women, are not supposed to complain. Didn't you get the memo?

Parents have to accept shit treatment from their children (specially step ones) when their behaviour is abusive. If they don't accept it, then parents are bad/horrible people according to MN.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with similar circumstances. My heart goes out to you both.

Talk about massive drip feeds after the initial post.
Almost as if the OP wanted people to react negatively, so that she could then scold them and list just how hard done by she has been.

I like how so many people are saying that parental divorce is traumatising for children to the extent that it explains and justifies this girl’s behaviour and then in the next breath urging the OP to separate and move her younger children out of the home they live in with their mother and father.

I was an upset15 year old of divorced parents, and my parents didn't listen to a word I said about their shitty partners (not saying you are shitty, I don't know you) but you can always tell when you are not welcome to be around them. It caused me a lot of emotional neglect and childhood trauma. Then the new partners got jealous of me. I am an only child. It was tough. I ended up living on my own in a shitty flat at age 16 and it was horrendous. Just could not cope. So glad to be well past that stage of my life. She needs to be made to feel loved, valued, that is my advice, that would have changed my life, proper home based love and nurturing.

I made it clear in my post there were claims of neglect, I haven’t missed anything out. I’m going to assume you don’t know the understanding or definition of neglect? For SS to get involved surely you had an understanding to the severity

But I don’t buy it. Yes the daughter shouldn’t have lied to social services but for OP to make out that her DSD somehow endangered her DC is moronic. They weren’t endangered. They weren’t at risk. By her own account everything at home is peachy keen and everyone is visibly well taken care of. So why the big drama? Why act like DSD is deliberately harming her younger siblings or faking abuse? She reported to say she didn’t get fed, when it is easy to prove she is fed.

It’s very clear OP doesn’t like this girl and I’m not surprised the child is lashing out in an environment of hostility like this. She was abandoned there by her own mother and has to try and fit in with the perfect new family and perfect new children her father replaced her with.

Why would you think new partners were jealous of you, what was your behaviour like?