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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’m so angry at DH

243 replies

bottletop26 · 13/10/2025 19:02

A bit of backstory. Dh and I married and had children young. We have been together over 30 years and our children are now adults. Throughout the years we have struggled financially. Young children, mortgage and at the start of our careers. We just about managed but I didn’t find it fun. Dh on the other hand looks back on it through rose tinted glasses. He wasn’t the one adding things up as we went through the supermarket though!

We are now late 40s. Mortgage has 10 years left and we are comfortable. It’s been such a weight lifted off my shoulders to be able to afford a good life. I’m a simple soul so a holiday in the UK once a year and a city mini break is enough. DH doesn’t like travelling at all. We go for dinner once or twice a month and I’m not counting the pennies in the supermarket anymore. I’m even in the position to be able to help out our children sometimes.

DH quit his job. No warning or anything just quit. He didn’t like the way he was spoken to by another manager when they were stressed so he walked out. I am furious.

He said he has been thinking about leaving for a while and he had just had enough. Work has allowed him to take his holiday as his notice and 2 weeks unpaid. I am so so angry.

He has been off 3 weeks now. He finally got around to doing his CV today - it’s not finished though.

Today I got home and he had baked a cake, the housework was done and dinner prepared. He made a comment about being a house husband. I snapped. I told him that I didn’t want to go back to how it was where we had to watch every penny. I don’t want to work and have no money to play with. We can afford to live on my wage and it would leave us with £75 left over. That’s it, no money for saving, no fun. I don’t want to. He’s called me selfish for feeling this way!

just to add he’s not depressed, having an affair or anything he just doesn’t want to work at 49 anymore.

OP posts:
duffed · 13/10/2025 19:10

He doesn't want to work? Great, off he toddles then!

Does he have savings to contribute at all to cover this period?

I would be very firm that he is expected to contribute half of all bills and spending and he needs to find a job that at least covers that. Start a tab for what he owes you which you will expect him to pay you back once he finds a job. You should not suffer for his choices, he is putting everything on your shoulders and that's not fair at all.

CagneyNYPD1 · 13/10/2025 19:11

Ask him what would happen if you also gave up work?

Firstworldproblems2025 · 13/10/2025 19:15

Nope. Married life should be a team effort and he hasn’t even discussed leaving his job with you?
I agree with PP. Ask him how he’s planning to pay his half of everything, because that is what you expect. You aren’t his keeper.

Indicateyourintentions · 13/10/2025 19:15

I think he has been planning this for a while.

Eyesopenwideawake · 13/10/2025 19:16

Being furious at him isn't going to achieve anything, how long are you going to keep that up for? Surely you must have had some conversations about how he's feeling, and how you are feeling and what your individual views on the future are?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 13/10/2025 19:20

Sounds like the communication between the two of you is poor. He was unhappy in his job, and he’s right to change that, but you didn’t agree to support him financially so he needs to find something else. The pair of you need to sit down together and work out how much time any savings you have buys you, and make it clear it needs a job. Being really angry is pointless though, it won’t achieve anything good but it may just make things worse. Time to work together

user1471453601 · 13/10/2025 19:20

He doesn't want to work? So he believes that everyone else actually does want to work?

I guess some people actually want (as opposed to "need") to work. Not me. But I did, for 40 years I did. Like most people I had other things I'd rather be doing, but a roof over mine and child's head, food in our bellys? That kind of thing took precedent.

YouMightLikeCats · 13/10/2025 19:28

He's very selfish to have done this, but it's done. Most of us would surely love to not have to work but that's something you have to work towards together.

It might be a good idea for a rethink of what he wants to do? Is there a slightly lower paid/ lower responsibility or part-time option he could look into?

thepariscrimefiles · 13/10/2025 19:33

He doesn't get to just leave his job and then make a unilateral decision to be a 'house husband' without any consultation with you, particularly with 10 years still left on your mortgage. No wonder you are furious. He needs to find another job as quickly as possible. Would you consider splitting up if he refuses to do that?

Bambamhoohoo · 13/10/2025 19:35

Be careful OP. If you were divorce now you might find yourself a bit fucked as he wouldn’t be able to raise another mortgage.

you could see a solicitor and start the process though.

just think- a future where you get to make all the decisions about money, how freeing and relaxing it would be!

Tiswa · 13/10/2025 19:38

I think your marriage is over

csn you afford to split the assets downsize and live?

childofthe607080s · 13/10/2025 19:40

Ask him what happens when you hand your notice in next week?

ComfortFoodCafe · 13/10/2025 19:41

So basically you work yourself to the bone for no benefit at all? I would be telling him to get another job or you will be divorcing him.

Witnesstheshitness · 13/10/2025 19:42

Honestly I'd leave him also how much do you know about family finances? Often when one person is OK with penny pinching it's because they know they have a safety blanket. Any possibility while you were counting pennies he was over paying into savings?

AlphaApple · 13/10/2025 19:44

Yep. He has one month to start earning again or you can start divorce proceedings.

what a selfish wanker.

CautiousLurker01 · 13/10/2025 19:45

Perhaps you should suggest you do the same, that you’re resign tomorrow, and ask him to draw up a budget for paying the remainder of the mortgage etc?

Izzywizzy85 · 13/10/2025 19:45

So so selfish. I don’t blame you for being furious.

Tigerbalmshark · 13/10/2025 19:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Zanatdy · 13/10/2025 19:48

He is selfish and reckless walking out of his job like that. Both parties need to agree if one partner wants to stay at home. He needs to get a job asap.

MyAmusedPearlSquid · 13/10/2025 19:48

That's really selfish of him he should be getting himself another job if he doesn't to then I would end it

DysmalRadius · 13/10/2025 19:49

Lucky for him that his decision to be a house husband coincides with there being no small children that need organising and chivvying and picking up and cleaning up after!

He's got a flipping nerve, unilaterally deciding that he's not going to work any more and just leaving you to 'keep' him just when the rest of the household needs his contribution the least!

stretchworkwrigglerepeat · 13/10/2025 19:49

What does he think will happen when he reaches retirement age? He won’t have paid enough to get a full pension. Is he planning on living off you then too?

I agree with others that an ultimatum may be in order.

MaryGreenhill · 13/10/2025 19:50

Kick him out

Firedrink · 13/10/2025 19:51

OP, time to rethink your marriage, it doesn't sound great.
Get the house valued and on the market.
Don't allow him to drag you down, because he will.

wizzler · 13/10/2025 19:51

I should say “brilliant idea, I’ll do the same” and see how that goes down

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