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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Partner’s mum bought his ex a gift

169 replies

Newname09 · 13/10/2025 13:44

I don’t know if I’m getting worked up for no reason so would appreciate some advice.

Been with my partner a year. Him and his ex split on not very good terms. They have a young child together who his mum often collects from the ex and brings to my partner.

anyway she’s come back from holiday, bought me a souvenir tea towel and also bought his ex a gift -- mug with biscuits.

it annoyed me tbh. I understand amicability and that’s fine, but buying the ex who caused so many problems and dragged your son through court lying and racking up debt in his name is weird in my opinion. If it was for the child, why not buy something like sweets or a toy?

thoughts?

OP posts:
LoveCortado788 · 13/10/2025 14:52

Sounds like you'll be the crazy ex one day too.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 13/10/2025 14:54

Her priority is keeping things amicable for her DGC.
Well done for her.
You're probably a bit immature for this relationship.

JLou08 · 13/10/2025 14:57

She is the mother of her grandchildren, it's great that they continue to have a good relationship.
If I was you I'd probably be wondering if your partner was actually the problem in the relationship rather than being angry with his mum.

Wingedharpy · 13/10/2025 15:01

She sounds like a very wise woman.

saraclara · 13/10/2025 15:07

I loved my MIL and she loved me. She was a spectacular grandma.

She came back from visiting a friend one day, who's own life had been turned upside down by her son's marriage breakdown and problems with DIL and not seeing her grandchild. In all seriousness, and with some emotion, MIL asked me "if you and P ever split up, we would still be friends, wouldn't we?" I was able to reassure her that absolutely we would.

Your MIL is doing the right thing. It's a mug FFS.

StewkeyBlue · 13/10/2025 15:12

YABVU.

She’s keeping a relationship with her grandchild’s mother which is very sensible.

And you have absolutely no right to have any expectations about her own choices about relationships and friendships.

Be aware, OP, be very aware. Your Bf will have a lifelong connection to the mother of his child, she is connected to your Bf’s family.

And it is for your Bf to manage, not you.

You sound jealous or at least territorial about his Mum.

Ate you cut out for a relationship with a man with baggage?

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/10/2025 15:16

It’s a gift. She will always be her life as mum of her grandchild

I don’t see the harm of it and you sound very petty

if you split up and no kids - she won’t have any need to keep in contact with you

unless you are thinking of having kids with her son

think carefully before you do

Notagain75 · 13/10/2025 15:18

Surely it's up to her who she buys gifts for?
Obviously she gets on well with her and she is her grandchild's mother. Why shouldn't she buy her a gift if she wants to?

arcticpandas · 13/10/2025 15:23

Newname09 · 13/10/2025 14:12

Thanks everyone. Some of you are very cutting with how you put things across though.

Yes, no reason to be rude. I understand it feels weird to you but as others have said; she is the mother of her grandchild so will therefore stay in her life. If you try to look at it from that perspective maybe you can get rid of the awkwardness.

Lilacflowers007 · 13/10/2025 15:28

I would look deeper into where this jealousy has come from and know that it’s not a good feeling to have and is illogical.

She most likely has a civil relationship with her ex daughter in law and the mother of her grandchild.

I’m not sure how long her son and ex DIL were together for but she may still have a bond with her, that doesn’t end becuase they split up.

Like others have said, a girlfriend of a year shouldn’t be trying to cause drama or cause issues between a civil family.

Lilacflowers007 · 13/10/2025 15:30

Lilacflowers007 · 13/10/2025 15:28

I would look deeper into where this jealousy has come from and know that it’s not a good feeling to have and is illogical.

She most likely has a civil relationship with her ex daughter in law and the mother of her grandchild.

I’m not sure how long her son and ex DIL were together for but she may still have a bond with her, that doesn’t end becuase they split up.

Like others have said, a girlfriend of a year shouldn’t be trying to cause drama or cause issues between a civil family.

To add to my comment dating someone with a child isn’t for everyone. You really have to understand that the ex is ALWAYS going to be apart of the picture. She is your partners child’s mother. Try and be civil and respectful. If you’re jealous about this then you’re going to have a long road ahead of you. If you’re unable to accept this, date someone without a child and ex in the picture

Useitupwearitout · 13/10/2025 15:37

You over estimate your importance in this scenario, you are a partner of 1yr you could disappear from this woman’s world suddenly and completely and you don’t get to control what she does and who she buys gifts for. On the other hand his ex will always be her grandchild’s mum so will always be a part of the family ( no matter even if she is a complete nightmare). Your partner’s mum didn’t invite the ex into the family, your partner did ( so blame him if you need someone to blame) and now his mum is trying to keep a good relationship with his ex for the sake of her grandchild, and it’s only a wee token gift for goodness sake.

MissDoubleU · 13/10/2025 15:49

I suspect you’ve been spun a very pointed version of events that paints your boyfriend in the best light. His mother is likely privy to more understanding. The fact she looks kindly upon the mother of her grandchild and makes an effort to show her care compassion and love says a lot about her.

I don’t think any mother going through courts to have agreements made official should automatically be looked down on. You quite literally were not there and only know what you’ve been told

I will also add it’s been 1 year. I wouldn’t say you’re a partner, that’s just girlfriend territory.

Pinkysparkles · 13/10/2025 15:51

My MIL invites my husbands ex and her new partner to every family event . Because her grandchildren like their mum being there. I have had to accept this !!!!!! They were friends for 20 years before me . So !

Greenscreennightmare · 13/10/2025 16:03

Hi OP. As the mother in this scenario I've done the very same thing. We've been through the same stuff as your partner, she's dragged my son through the courts, lied, denied access for long periods of time etc.

But, she's the mother of our beloved DGC and as such we try our best to maintain a good working relationship with her. We've now reached a stage where she has calmed down, she sees the advantage of our son having regular access and his parents (me and my DH) being willing babysitters/ after-school carers/ buyers of treats for DGC.

We don't love the ex, but we have to get on with her. Life is good now after many stressful years, where we had to take a lot of nastiness.

So my advice is, suck it up and know that it's for the greater good. Oh and by the way we adore our DSs current partner, she's perfect for him.

It's necessary in these situations to play the long game, it'll be worth it in the end. Good luck.

Original poster
Newname09 · 13/10/2025 16:36

Thatstheheatingon · 13/10/2025 14:13

I'm more surprised she brought you anything

Me and her son live together 🫠

OP posts:
Original poster
Newname09 · 13/10/2025 16:47

Greenscreennightmare · 13/10/2025 16:03

Hi OP. As the mother in this scenario I've done the very same thing. We've been through the same stuff as your partner, she's dragged my son through the courts, lied, denied access for long periods of time etc.

But, she's the mother of our beloved DGC and as such we try our best to maintain a good working relationship with her. We've now reached a stage where she has calmed down, she sees the advantage of our son having regular access and his parents (me and my DH) being willing babysitters/ after-school carers/ buyers of treats for DGC.

We don't love the ex, but we have to get on with her. Life is good now after many stressful years, where we had to take a lot of nastiness.

So my advice is, suck it up and know that it's for the greater good. Oh and by the way we adore our DSs current partner, she's perfect for him.

It's necessary in these situations to play the long game, it'll be worth it in the end. Good luck.

Thank you so much

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 13/10/2025 16:49

Newname09 · 13/10/2025 16:36

Me and her son live together 🫠

Show quote history

Wow, you two have really rushed things. You should just be meeting his daughter around now.😑

Bufftailed · 13/10/2025 16:51

The ex is the mum of her gc. It’s much better for the kid if they get on and actually the mum could have a friendship with the ex. None of your business really

Hoppinggreen · 13/10/2025 16:52

Newname09 · 13/10/2025 14:12

Thanks everyone. Some of you are very cutting with how you put things across though.

Mumsnet innit

MMmomDD · 13/10/2025 16:53

The mother of your bf got some cookies to the mother of her grandchild. Nothing to do with you, not your place to have an opinion.
She os forever linked to the mother of her grand child. And you have only beed around for a short time, and not yet family.

Don’t be that controlling nightmare of a gf.

mochimoons · 13/10/2025 16:55

Why do you care about this?

Boomer55 · 13/10/2025 16:55

It sounds like they still have a good relationship. Not your business.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/10/2025 16:55

Newname09 · 13/10/2025 16:36

Me and her son live together 🫠

Show quote history

That was quick if only bene together a year

Snorlaxo · 13/10/2025 16:58

Yabu

Keeping on ex’s good side gives your partner the luxury of having a third party bring his son over. She is right to protect her time with her grandson. While the split may have been nasty between ex and your partner, maybe ex wasn’t nasty to your partner’s mum?

A mug and biscuits is thoughtful but also inexpensive and casual.

Now that this has happened, expect ex to get Christmas, birthday and Mother’s Day gift from your partner’s mum. I think that she’s doing the right thing by remaining friends with ex. What would your partner do if ex cut off his mum so couldn’t be a buffer between them?

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