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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Partner’s mum bought his ex a gift

169 replies

Newname09 · 13/10/2025 13:44

I don’t know if I’m getting worked up for no reason so would appreciate some advice.

Been with my partner a year. Him and his ex split on not very good terms. They have a young child together who his mum often collects from the ex and brings to my partner.

anyway she’s come back from holiday, bought me a souvenir tea towel and also bought his ex a gift -- mug with biscuits.

it annoyed me tbh. I understand amicability and that’s fine, but buying the ex who caused so many problems and dragged your son through court lying and racking up debt in his name is weird in my opinion. If it was for the child, why not buy something like sweets or a toy?

thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Newname09 · 13/10/2025 14:12

Thanks everyone. Some of you are very cutting with how you put things across though.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 13/10/2025 14:12

She obviously values keeping a good relationship with the mother of her grandchild and there’s nothing wrong with that

Thatstheheatingon · 13/10/2025 14:13

I'm more surprised she brought you anything

InSpainTheRain · 13/10/2025 14:16

She's bought you both a little gift and probably she gave his ex a gift as she is the mother of her grandchild and she wants a good relationship in spite of what's happened. I couldn't die on the hill of a mug and biscuits!

Hotflushesandchilblains · 13/10/2025 14:18

I think it speaks well to the family that you are joining that they do not drop people because marriages end. I would see this as a positive.

CinnamonBuns67 · 13/10/2025 14:18

I get your feelings because I'd not want to be friends with someone who put my child or loved one through all that too as it is awful. However perhaps MIL is seeing it from more of a if she does these little gestures the ex will like her and not take away grandchild point of view.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/10/2025 14:20

Yabu.

my ex mil would absolutely buy me a gift, we knew each other well and were friends so why not.

id actually ponder on this from a different angle if I were you. It seems you have been told by your ‘partner’ (new boyfriend) that his ex is awful and he totally blameless. I would say that this shows he is in fact, lying.

Arlanymor · 13/10/2025 14:21

It's her money and her business - nothing to do with you I am afraid. While you don't have to like the ex, I imagine she is doing her best to maintain a cordial relationship with the mother of her grandchild. Flip the situation around - how would you feel if someone told you who you shouldn't/shouldn't give a gift to? It would annoy you and rightly so. Don't give it another moments thought.

JadziaD · 13/10/2025 14:24

Agree with everyone else - she's being nice.

Also would add that to a large extent, it's totally fine for your partner's mother to have a relationship that is completely separate to him, x1000 in the situationlike this where she is interacting regularly with this woman and managing childcare.

I have no idea why your Dp can't fetch his own kids but if the relationship has broken down that much, I would be asking why and how. I appreciate I'm cynical and some people think this is sexist - but in my experience, a lot of these accusations thrown by men about their ex's only take the tiniest bit of scratching below the surface to see they're not telling the whole truth.

ClaredeBear · 13/10/2025 14:27

There are instances where I would say she might be trying to undermine your relationship, etc, but in this instance she’s probably trying to keep things sweet with her. And she did bring you a gift, so sounds like she’s trying her best.

ClaredeBear · 13/10/2025 14:28

ClaredeBear · 13/10/2025 14:27

There are instances where I would say she might be trying to undermine your relationship, etc, but in this instance she’s probably trying to keep things sweet with her. And she did bring you a gift, so sounds like she’s trying her best.

Sorry, lots of shes and hers.

outerspacepotato · 13/10/2025 14:31

You're a GF of a mere year and you're trying to control your BF's mother's relationship with her granddaughter's mother.

Step back and stay in your lane. Their relationship has nothing to do with you and she sounds like she's an involved and helpful grandparent. They're always going to have some sort of relationship.

Maybe you shouldn't date someone with children if you are jealous and want to control relationships that have nothing to do with you. You aren't family here. They are.

WellYouWereMythTaken · 13/10/2025 14:32

Maybe his mother is trying to stay on her good side so she doesn’t lose contact with her grandchild/ren? Maybe she just likes her despite the aggro with her son?

Tbh if this pisses you off so much, you’re going to be miserable and resentful in your relationship going forward.

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 13/10/2025 14:32

I’m going to go one further than saying that she’s doing it to stay on good terms because of the GC. Maybe they actually have a good relationship.

My ex ILs are lovely people and we have a fantastic relationship. And the DC are adults now so the relationship has nothing to do with that.

We speak regularly on the phone, they came to visit me in hospital

We buy each other Christmas and birthday presents.

I don’t know what my eXH’s view is on the matter, although his partner has picked them up from my house in the past when they’ve visited. But their view is that we’re all adults, and relationships are separate entities.

Your boyfriend’s mother is free to have a relationship with anyone she likes. And she owes you absolutely nothing.

Also, there are almost always two sides to every story.

gannett · 13/10/2025 14:33

I've seen new girlfriends get upset that their partner dares to have a cordial relationship with the mother of his child many times, but getting upset that his mother has one is a new one to me. Seems a little extreme jealousy-wise.

BauhausOfEliott · 13/10/2025 14:33

YABVU.

She's allowed to be friendly with the mother of her grandchild, and it's absolutely none of your bloody business. You don't get to control your boyfriend's mother's personal relationships. She has a connection with her son's ex via the child, and it's nice that she can maintain a civil and friendly relationship with her.

You need to grow up.

FWIW, my own brother has two ex-wives. One had no children with him, but their split was relatively amicable and she's lovely, so my parents, sister and I are still good friends with her. She was part of our family for a decade and there was no reason for us to lose that. His second wife is the mother of his children and although their split was not amicable and the ex-wife treated my brother very badly and no longer speaks to him, my mum's on good terms with her - they're not best mates, but she's the mother of my mum's grandkids and it's always been in everyone's best interests for my mum to be pleasant and cordial with her and my mum always gives her a gift on birthdays and Christmas, has done her favours etc. Although I really dislike my second ex-SIL for many reasons, she actually stepped up recently and helped my mum out with a couple of things which we all really appreciated so credit where credit's due.

UpMyself · 13/10/2025 14:33

Leave him and find someone without a child.

BreadInCaptivity · 13/10/2025 14:33

My MIL has a lovely relationship with my DH’s ex.

She is the mother of her granddaughter so I am pleased she does. It makes sense to keep the lines of communication and goodwill open (though in our case DH and ex are also amicable).

I also have a brilliant relationship with my MIL.

I don’t see the things as being mutually exclusive.

pizzaHeart · 13/10/2025 14:34

JadziaD · 13/10/2025 14:24

Agree with everyone else - she's being nice.

Also would add that to a large extent, it's totally fine for your partner's mother to have a relationship that is completely separate to him, x1000 in the situationlike this where she is interacting regularly with this woman and managing childcare.

I have no idea why your Dp can't fetch his own kids but if the relationship has broken down that much, I would be asking why and how. I appreciate I'm cynical and some people think this is sexist - but in my experience, a lot of these accusations thrown by men about their ex's only take the tiniest bit of scratching below the surface to see they're not telling the whole truth.

This^
and by the way her bringing the mug and biscuits could have some innocent backstory. I was talking with a friend about some sweets and then she went on a holiday and brought me a variation of them. She never brought me gifts before, and actually never after, it was just because of the conversation we had.

cadburyegg · 13/10/2025 14:34

Haha, I wonder if the story you’ve been fed is actually true OP.

JadziaD · 13/10/2025 14:38

Just to add, there was a poster on here a few months ago. Her (stb) exH turned out to be a complete and total tosser - had an affair, and has completely abandoned their children. It was so lovely to see however that she had managed to build a great relationship with her ex in Laws for herself and her children. Often a grandparent can't control the shittiness of her own child, but she can try to compensate and engage with her grandchildren through her exDIL.

Tamfs · 13/10/2025 14:44

A good thing to learn in life is that the only adult relationships that have anything to do with you are your own. That includes what happened between your now boyfriend and his ex.

You can't go around dictating relationships between other adults. Your partner's mum sounds like she is doing her best to include everyone.

JJZ · 13/10/2025 14:47

Newname09 · 13/10/2025 14:12

Thanks everyone. Some of you are very cutting with how you put things across though.

Have you never been here before?

I would never start a thread on AIBU!

WellYouWereMythTaken · 13/10/2025 14:48

cadburyegg · 13/10/2025 14:34

Haha, I wonder if the story you’ve been fed is actually true OP.

This is a good point. Woman I used to work with used to rant about her then partner’s most recent ex there was an overlap being basically the most evil person who ever walked the earth, absolute scum, psycho, liar etc. the whole lot. Then she broke up with him/he left her for someone else and now she’s the lying scumbag psycho…

Basically OP, try not to get sucked into this.

Catwalking · 13/10/2025 14:50

MIL needs to keep on the right side of the exW?

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