Waiter Asked for my Number

[Turducken]

Out for dinner with grown up daughter, at a fairly fancy restaurant, just the two of us. The waiter was friendly and perhaps a little over-familiar, but I didn't think anything of it, just assumed he was trying to be nice and/ or angling for a tip. However, when I asked for the bill, he brought it along with a pen and paper and asked for my number. I felt so awkward I couldn't get out of there quick enough and, although I tried to laugh it off, I'm still thinking about whether I should complain? On the one hand, am I overreacting because I'm very socially awkward, so others would be less bothered, or am I right in thinking it's inappropriate and I should say something, as it put a bit of a dampener on a pleasant evening?

Nail on the head. Asking someone out in a respectful manner is entirely normal behaviour. Nothing to see here - move along, just say no and forget. Certainly nothing to report to their employer.

Now if he continued to persist, became a pest, etc., then that's well out of order and does need reporting to his employer.

I don't date my friends or want to because i don't enter friendships hoping for a romantic relationship in future. If i am getting to know someone as friend thats it really. I don't pivot to romance in the future, as I would think that was always their aim.

I am quite happy to get to know someone with the potential to it becoming a romantic relationship, thats what dating is. I am happy to meet a stranger or be approached by stranger and if I like the look of them get to know them - again this is what being asked on a date is.

thats how you get to know someone by going on a date or two and having conversations.

dating and friendships to me are active choices not passive.

Working together is different as you are both employees and get to know each other and you’re both at work so on an equal footing, unless there is a huge power imbalance. Waiter and customer, it’s inappropriate.

equally he could have given you his number and said please call me if you would like a drink - would you have preferred that option ?

I think you should complain.

You weren't approached by another diner or member of the public, you were approached by a staff member.

He shouldn't be hitting on women at work, same as you don't expect the sky man or uber driver to think it is an appropriate place to pick up women who are just trying to go about their day.

Agree, although I’ve had creepy uber drivers who have tried it. Also had a bloke try it on who was doing some work on our house. So inappropriate, and he knew it was he didn’t act like it when his boss was here.

I disagree. Me and DH worked together in as much as it was the same firm, but we had different jobs and different levels, so there could be argued to be a power imbalance. But it wasn't a problem and we're still together nearly 40 years later.

I'd agree about power imbalance, as I said previously, if it were solicitor/client, doctor/patient, police officer/crime victim, where one party is genuinely vulnerable, but I really can't see their being any "power" imbalance between a customer and waiter! That's quite comical - they can both walk away and forget the encounter.

if you find someone attractive and want to get to know them that is called dating.

Getting to know someone with as a "friend" wouldn't be based on whether you found them attractive or not would it. You are not being truthful...

making friends or being friends with some based on their attractiveness with a view to dating is cheeky. Isn't that what so many women on here accuse men of doing, making friends with attractive women with a view to trying it on?

no wonder people don't believe opposite sexes can be friends

I think OP is humblebragging. She’s obviously so gorgeous that she can’t even have a meal out without waiters hitting on her.

That's exactly what I was thinking and it reminded me about someone who had work done in her house and was trying to pluck up the courage to text him and in the end she did and they went for a drink if memory serves.

Attractive waiter - go for it OP, how exciting! Tell us more!
Unattractive waiter - how dare he do that, what a creep, report him!

It's a non-event, provided he was pleasant - you just say "No thank you."

It’s unprofessional and inappropriate. People should be able to go for a meal without being bothered by this.

Yes, but you have to pretend to just want to be friends for the first 3-6 months is the argument being made here, rather than be upfront that you are interested in a romantic relationship.

Which plenty of couples have been through. At the end of the day it's awkward working out who likes who both if you are the one doing the asking and if you are the one being asked. I think we just need to admit that as humans and then try and get past it. We seem to have swung a bit far into 'OMG how dare he ask!' territory at the moment.

TBH no one is asking me and I'm not on the apps. 3-6 months of friendship and a slow realisation that it could be more would work for me. I don't really want to jump into things. It feels like apps have made everything a bit, 'Next, please!'

Nail on the head. A "non event" like you say. Just say no and forget about it.

Or OP was correct and the waiters we're playing a game of "See who can get the ugliest girl in the restaurants number".

Ok, I think I understand your take. Maybe I objected to the implication of “pretending” to be interested in someone as a person whilst having an ulterior motive. I don’t think that was what you were suggesting now you have elaborated.

From my point of view I wouldn’t enter into a friendship hoping that it would change into a romantic relationship but circumstances do change. Many of my friends who are in relationships with each started out as friends in a wide friendship circle.

I also think you can know quite early on if you are interested in someone romantically - just one evening at a party for example and then you start dating. But for me, I would never - have never dated someone who has “cold hit” on me. It makes me feel uncomfortable at best and at worst, I’ve had plenty of horribly unpleasant experiences of this in the past.

I wouldn't complain.
In a similar situation some years ago, I politely ignored the whole situation.

My DH would never have been "up front" to ask me out romantically! He's not wired like that as he had no self confidence back in the day. The only way we got together was the "slow burn" of first being friendly, then friends, then good friends, and then starting to date. That took a few months. And then, a third wheel came along (for me) - another "friend" who'd been on slow burn suddenly showed more interest, so we dialled it back a bit whilst I dated third wheel for a few months, during which time DH continued to be a good friend to me (even though I ditched him for third wheel), helped me through breaking up with third wheel, and then we started again, firstly by being more friendly, more often again, then light dating again. It was about a year after I first met him that we finally got serious with each other, after a full year of being "good friends" with a bit of dating on and off.

We'd have avoided that "wasted year" if DH had been up front in the first place and asked me out for a romantic date. I'd have said yes and "third wheel" would never have happened. We've both said many times since that he should have had the courage to ask me out from day one.

I'd never have used a dating app and never will. Nor would DH. We're not wired that way.

Ok I have responded but just to add, people place different levels of importance on PHYSICAL attraction. I don’t find my now husband unattractive but his appearance wasn’t a big feature of my attraction to him. Strangely now I find him very physically attractive - and the rest. But finding someone attractive (by which you mean physically attractive) and then wanted to get to know them with a view to being romantically involved seems round the wrong way to me. Perhaps why we didn’t see eye to eye!

I wouldn’t be thrilled by it…handing his number at the end would be more appropriate than demanding a strangers number.

Oh no, that’s horrible

I don’t think he demanded anything

The waiter hands the card reader to the customer for them to input their bank card to pay. This is what usually happens anyway.

Seriously??? So you’re contemplating reporting him and potentially risk him losing his job……….because he thought you were nice??? Not as though he touched you up is it? Didn’t stroke your knee did he, or lean too close to get a good look at your cleavage? Give the bloke a break and if you feel that strongly, DON’T go back there.

It sounds as though you were out for a nice meal. I think it is deeply unprofessional for a waiter to hit on you. I often dine alone when out on business trips and it makes me feel uncomfortable to the point where these days I usually just get a takeaway.

thats fine i was obviously being in ironic but most people are being fundamentally dishonest, if they got approached by someone they found attractive they wouldn't be horrified or disgusted or want o be "friends" they would go on date to see if they were compatible.

dating is about getting to know people thats how most people see it. wether you like cold approach if fine. everyone has had unpleasant and uncomfortable its fine to be against it.

But conversely there has been massive movement with people try to get off OLD and talk to people in person. Assigning bad faith to normal, unobtrusive human interaction isn't good of any of us. This doesn't mean women have to put up with inappropriate behaviour either. saying no and moving on is fine.