I don't like how people tend to speak to their children

[BeWaryFinch]

Fairly sure if another adult spoke to you the way that you speak to your children you would not like it. 'put your shoes on now' 'go to bed now' 'get in the car now' many other examples, or changing your tone of voice to be different than if you were speaking to another adult. Why do parents do this.

If they were adults you could explain all the details of why they need to go with you now and what's happening next and the time you went to the zoo with your mum when you were small and how you felt about seeing the baby giraffe and how that's related to how you felt when your own children were born.
With a 3 year old, not so much.

The child psychology stuff I’ve read says that when you say things like “do you want to put your shoes on” or “would you mind putting your shoes on” it’s confusing for the toddler as they don’t understand that it’s something they really to do. At least when they are little the advice is to give them clear and simple commands (or clear and simple choices sometimes). Given my eldest’s response to “it’s time to change your nappy” today has been all of the following - “in five minutes”, “not yet”, “ I need to eat first”, “I need my puzzle”, “I need to cuddle friends first”, “later”, “nooooooo”, “I don’t have a poo (he did!)” and a few others - it’s also a little hard to maintain your best manners given you do actually need to change their nappy about 6 times a day.

Do you have children? I’m going to assume not.

The headbutting thing upthread is a joke but if I saw an adult behave like my children sometimes do I’d just never spend any time with them at all again, so no tone needed. The only other situation which is similar to parenting little kids IME is line management - I’ve managed some people (thankfully not many) who do need to receive instructions in the exact same direct language I use to instruct my 5 and 3 year old because despite being grown adults talking to their boss they still think any request phrased too politely is an optional suggestion.

What’s amusing is that my 2 year old does this to me - when he wants me to take something from him he just puts it out in the air and says “thank you” expecting me to take it. It works pretty well for him.

So I do say please as a rule. But if it comes a point that we are now late, I have already asked several times and the matter is now urgent and I really need to strongly get my point across - then no I don't say please.

That mirrors adult communication.

"You're getting a little close to my flower bed with the leaf blower, please watch out"

"Please Steve, watch the flowers "

"Steve, turn the leaf blower off now!", or if necessary, I may switch it off at the plug myself.

Restart the conversation without the noise of the leaf blower

If someone is not listening to what you have to say, and what you have to say is important or urgent, you need to get their attention. Good manners are important but please diminishes the urgency of a request. It's not appropriate for every single request.

Yup. My daughter is 10 and everything is 'one minute' 'two seconds' 'I just need to'. I just need to pet the cat at this exact minute. I just need to move the entire contents of this box into that box at this exact minute. I just urgently need to check if there are any snails in the garden. Children don't just always, or often, respond to a polite request no matter how you couch the theory. They have their own inner worlds where very different things are important to them than what we need to be done in that moment.

I've just screamed at my daughter to get into her own bed.

Prior to that I asked her politely to be quiet not to wake her baby sister.
Following that I pleaded with her.
Following that I asked her if she would like to go back to her own bed.
I then threatened her with returning to her own bed.
I then told her to go back to her own bed.

Yeah it's probably not a nice way to talk to someone. But now she is being quiet in her own room.

Tell me you don't have children.. without telling me you don't have children....

Such is reality. Oh to live on planet FuzzyWuzzy! My kids are spirited arseholes and so am I. They’re very loved but they benefit from clear direction and, when sometimes required, my proverbial iron first.

I believe children should be spoken to as you would speak any other adult person. Yes you would not tell an adult to put their shoes on. If you ask nicely and they don't do it then they don't want to do it. If you are having screen battles dont give your child a personal ipad or console in the first place? Maybe look at the root reasons that a child doesnt want to do something or would prefer to do something else. You would not stand there and demand an adult eats their dinner if they dont like it? Should be free to choose what they want to eat. I think parents are the ones making things more difficult than they have to be. I have been reading about mental health and you need to listen to your own cues and energy levels, letting children listen to themselves and what they want to do is how they learn to do that. Maybe they need some time out. I persuaded a friends 6 year old to get in the car by offering him chocolate coins, and she could not understand how I had done it because she usually battled with him. Intimidating your children and scaring them into compliance which is what you are doing by shouting at them is wrong apart from in a life threatening or dangerous situation like being in the road, there are few reasons you would need to demand your child do anything and I think this will be one of the things that are looked at in the future about what was wrong with parenting in this generation.

I, too, was the best parent in the world before having kids.

I actually agree to an extent because when I hear myself talk to DD like that it doesn’t make me feel great.

But the responses to this thread are spot on. I’ve usually tried the nicer approach a billion times before resorting to something a bit more blunt.

That makes absolutely no sense. If he didn’t want to get in the car then by your own logic why would you do anything to persuade him?

So you used bribery?

Sometimes I don’t have the words to explain why I am whingey either.

Oh, this is funny. 🍿

😂😂😂
I’ll admit you had me until the chocolate coins bit. You overplayed your hand.

If he didn't want to go then he would have said. The issue was that he was taking a long time to get in the car, but offering him something he wanted made getting into the car a goal to strive towards to get his reward.

ok so you’ve asked nicely to put their shoes on and they don’t want to it so you just let them do it? So they go to school with no shoes on? Or don’t want go to school at all? Which are you advocating for her OP?

Or do you think daily chocolate buttons to leave the house is an acceptable alternative?

Do you offer many adults chocolate buttons at work to get you to do what they need to do, since you’re all for treating kids the same as adults??

Yes we all try not to. And I think some people are too close to loosing it.

But equally I don't have to ask my husband 20 times to put his shoes on and he didn't just scream at me and call me the most boring mummy ever because I won't go trampolining before school.

So next time, he’ll deliberately take a long time to get into the car so that he’s offered chocolate coins. Brilliant.

Indeed. What trolly bollocks!

I persuaded a friends 6 year old to get in the car by offering him chocolate coins, and she could not understand how I had done it because she usually battled with him.

That got a hearty laugh tbf 😂

If you are stood outside my house tonight you would have heard, “go and put your fucking pyjamas on!” Because you haven’t heard the 13 times I’ve asked very nicely and been ignored.