I don't like how people tend to speak to their children

[BeWaryFinch]

Fairly sure if another adult spoke to you the way that you speak to your children you would not like it. 'put your shoes on now' 'go to bed now' 'get in the car now' many other examples, or changing your tone of voice to be different than if you were speaking to another adult. Why do parents do this.

As a teacher I get around this by saying things like "sit down, thank you".

The expectation is set by the thanks that they will do it, it's not a question.

I've just asked my daughter to clean her teeth. There will be several reminders in the next 15 minutes

At 8.00PM when I stomp upstairs declaring that "I will brush your teeth myself if you are not in the bathroom in two seconds" she'll move at the speed of lighting.

Do you not put please on the end

She's not asking them to put their shoes on. She's telling them to.

It's an instruction, not a plea. Children's language is less developed than adults. They hear "please" as meaning they are being asked and there is a degree of optionality, when there is not. Its actually clearer for the child if you don't mince words when giving an instruction.

I do know what you mean. I find I get so much more co-operation from my children by not speaking to them this way!

My son has ADHD which comes with a helping of PDA - I find that not phrasing things as a demand helps a lot and probably does with all children!

Yes!!!
And then Moana has the cheek to eye you up like you’re a crazy person and say “ok ok, you don’t have to shout” 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

As a teacher I get around this by saying things like "sit down, thank you".
The expectation is set by the thanks that they will do it, it's not a question.

Yes this works well.

God I’m glad I didn’t grow up in a house like that and that I don’t run one!

I agree, I’ve always spoken to my kids with respect so that they’ll respect me. I notice a lot of people think you have to shout to communicate with a child.

I find that not phrasing things as a demand helps a lot and probably does with all children!

I'm not sure - my experience of NT children is they prefer clear instructions and boundaries, a demand is clear and safe, a choice (especially where really there isn't one) can be uncertain and worrying.

I know what you mean, OP. The way I hear my siblings and BIL/SIL speak to my nephews sometimes does shock me a bit. It’s usually out of exasperation and I am sure I don’t have the backstory so I stay wayyyy out of it.

When you don’t have children, you’re used to peace, calm and decorum. But yeah, my advice is stay out of it, in the nicest possible way. :)

I laughed so loud at this!!!

God I’m glad I didn’t grow up in a house like that and that I don’t run one!

I don't need your approval. I've got lovely happy kids who get delightful school reports saying how polite, kind and considerate they are, and how well behaved they are.

Most of us here are talking about situations where a child needs a firm instruction. It doesn't mean we aren't role modelling polite behaviour, saying please, and speaking respectfully to our children. It means we understand that our children are not adults and there are situations where we speak firmly to them because we are responsible for them - for their safety, their health and wellbeing, and their behaviour.

DS2 tried that once. I asked would he like me to demonstrate actual shouting and told him to put his hands on his ears, and I shouted the instruction into the doorway of an empty room.

Funnily he hasn't accused me of shouting since

I have to say on the whole I agree - and I do have a child. Just one, a daughter, who is a lovely person with whom I get on really well - so that may make it easier for me to agree with you!

We both overhear parents talking to their kids on the bus, say, or in a supermarket, and wince - at times it sounds like the parents actively dislike their kids!

I realise this sounds judgemental and potentially even offensive, and it's not my intention. I am talking mainly about extremes, when people tell their children off with real malice.

I do think that modelling respectful and kind ways of talking is really important, if you want your kids to grow up respectful and kind.

But I have never had the (domestic) challenge of coping with several kids at once, or with a badly behaved child. So I guess I don't know what that would drive me to.

I am a teacher in secondary school, and while I try, again, to remain respectful and kind at all times, I do occasionally snap, have even raised my voice on occasion, when things have been particularly stressful. I do always try to apologise if I think I have been genuninely unfair.

(And I also think that there are certain extremes of behaviour - violence or extreme verbal cruelty to another child, for example - that genuinely warrant a verbal expression of outrage/anger - though I know not all would agree).

I have to deal with drunk people regularly and I think the same principle applies as it does to toddlers. Try the polite and nice approach then clear, direct and firm or they just ignore you and take the piss

When my kids were playing up, usually when late for school it was "do it NOW" there wasnt time for "come on sweetheart, please put your shoes on"
Same when im doing the school run with my grandchildren. 3 strikes and then "GET YOUR COAT ON NOW!!!!"

This. Some mornings a soft growl is required to get everyone to get their shit together and leave the door.

I think people without children don’t realise just how much verbalisation there is between you which means a constant stream of niceties just isn’t possible, in the same way I don’t speak to DP in the same way I did when we were dating (although still not rudely).

It’s no exaggeration to say my day starts with a bombardment of questions at 5.30-6am. What’s for breakfast, I didn’t want that I wanted X, why can’t I have X, he’s taken my chair, that’s my chair, I want to sit on the floor, but he sat on the floor last week, that’s mine, can I have the TV on, I want a drink, not that drink another one, I spilt my drink, he took my cup… on, and on, on for a solid 13 or 14 hours, peppered with relentless questions such as ‘to squirrels, are we giants?’ (Asked today by DD). I’m not joking when I say I probably answer 500 questions a day, alongside having to command every tiny thing that you’ve probably never even had to remind another human being to do - I even have to tell my son not to throw himself down the stairs and instead go down on his bum every single time we go up or downstairs. This then goes on for a solid decade with each and every child, and in my case, I am also being woken at least once a night by a child who wants to speak to me.

I hope it makes more sense now!

Why would I be telling a fellow adult to put their shoes on or to go to bed?

It's the deliberately obtuse parentese which gets me.

Me too 😂
@DameEdnaAverage2

I often start out with please can you get your shoes, coats, bags on. Then when we are about to head out and missing these items I turn into a drill sergeant, SHOES ON NOW. You don’t want me to have that tone you listen the first, second , third time. I think we accidentally train them not to listen until “ the tone”

I raise my daughter as softly as I can because of my own background, which was full of shouting and violence. There still comes a point where we were supposed to leave the house five minutes ago and she still isn't ready to leave despite multiple reminders and sometimes even a tick list. So she does get the odd sharp 'do this, and do it now'. There's a reason it works when the previous half hour of cajoling hasn't. She manages to get it done and is completely unbothered by life. I'm the adult, she's the child, I'm giving instructions, and she's supposed to follow them. That's all there is to that.

I don't mean to sound confrontational, but I absolutely disagree and am curious as to where/how you have acquired this view of young people?

I find the majority of children just as capable of empathy as adults, and in some cases more so - children are often genuinely distraught at others' misery, especially if they fear they themselves have caused it.

And I think children are social sponges - most of them absolutely soak up and naturally replicate the behaviour they are exposed to, without even trying. After all that's how they learn to eat, speak, walk, and everything else, for the most part. Copying others.

At parents evening it's true in 99% of cases that happy, respectful kids have happy, respectful parents. And vice versa!

In my experience, parents who are domineering and demand obedience rarely have kind children. They may have conditioned children who can behave compliantly in certain circumstances out of fear of reprisals - but conditioning is a much thinner veneer than genuine kindness, which comes from the heart and is taught by the heart.

Very in agreement re disingenuous "niceness", only want to add that in adult-adult interactions it's just as frustrating.

I do think there are a lot of parallels in the boss-employee or mentor-mentee adult relationships to parenting. In the ideal senior role model/boss/manager/mentor we want somebody who is flexible and understanding, but ultimately gives clear directions, is a strong role model and knows when to take charge. They are easy going enough to let small things slide, but take important things seriously. They give us freedom over decisions we are able to make autonomously, but guide us firmly where appropriate, so we can learn from their experience and knowledge. They seem to like and respect us, and will warmly praise good work, but will also challenge us and be honest, frank and fair about areas we can work on to improve.

Eg: Boss asks
"Do you think you could please get that report done when you're able?"

And on Monday they ask why it isn't done and appear frustrated, angry or critical.

Vs
"I want you on the report. It needs to be in by Monday" (obviously with a willingness to listen if there are obstacles to you doing this). On Monday as the report is done on time, you are thanked and/or praised.

We all know which scenario is better and the "please" matters not. Adults and children hate fake-nice indirectness and having to second guess the consequences. We all want those in authority over us to set clear expectations without being despots.