I don't like how people tend to speak to their children

[BeWaryFinch]

Fairly sure if another adult spoke to you the way that you speak to your children you would not like it. 'put your shoes on now' 'go to bed now' 'get in the car now' many other examples, or changing your tone of voice to be different than if you were speaking to another adult. Why do parents do this.

I dont like a lot of things other people do. Focus on your own children and how you speak to them. You're going to be very stressed if you're worrying over how other people are doing things.

I agree no please or thank you, spoken in a rude voice. It’s really poor role modelling.

@BeWaryFinch
OP
We, the accused, need to know if you have children of your own. And if you do, we need to know how old they are. Could you tell us please?
This information will help us to understand where you're coming from.

I think that it is worth contemplating the tone you use when speaking to children. If you want your children to be polite and patient, you ought to be polite and patient. If you want them to learn to ask nicely, instead of just barking orders rudely, it helps to role model how that is done.

But at the same time - if we're comparing them to adults, it's more like you're dealing with a messy, bad tempered drunk. So yes you want to be respectful, but you've also got to take charge to ensure what needs to be done is done safely, and sometimes very direct and firm instructions are required. And we're all human and will react to frustrating/aggravating behaviour.

If role modelling worked then everyone would produce children whose behaviour would be an exact reflection of their parenting. We all know it doesn’t work like that.

Exactly. What do you do if you’ve asked nicely and firmly 10 times, but they’re still not doing what is asked of them? The manuals never address that possibility.

It’s not about producing carbon copies it’s about teaching children to be polite and respectful. If you don’t do it yourself how can you expect your children to? And I’m not talking about an occasional losing it. I’m talking day to day general way of speaking to children.

The relationship between two adults and an adult and their child is different. An adult is responsible for their child's welfare and schedule and for ensuring they do the necessary things at the required times in order to be safe, healthy and prepared for adulthood. For this reason, communication is also different.
Because its not an exchange of equals, but one where the adult is by necessity in control. To faff about pretending otherwise with "shall we get in the car now?" as though the child has a choice, when they need to get to school or home for dinner, is disingenuous and frustrates the child when they realise it was actually an instruction not an option.

The manuals make the classic error of assuming that the children will read them and play along with it.

My darlings have never bothered reading parenting manuals

Said every mum ever.

I don’t think being polite is about simply copying though, it’s an innate consideration that develops into adulthood naturally. I don’t preface my every request to my kids with please because I ask them to do something 1,000 times a day and if we are in a rush I need to keep it simple.

Ha! Same. It’s like ‘giving choices’ - my kids will demand a 3rd option that isn’t even possible then tantrum because ‘you said it was my choice’.

HOW do you speak to YOUR children and how old are they?

Hahahaha this 🤣

Because they are children, not adults, and I am raising them, which involves training them in various skills and social behaviours. They are immature, have poor judgement, and I know better than them 99.99% of the time, which is why I'm in charge.

If you hear me being firm with them its because they've not been doing as they are told and what I'm instructing them to do needs doing.

It's not rocket science.

I have ND children so I have to be precise with language. If I was to say “Put your shoes on please?” it makes the phrase into a question and then it becomes an option but saying “Put your shoes on now” is very clear and they know exactly what is expected of them. I will thank them after they have done it.

I would love someone to talk to me like we talk to our children

but we are soft and cool and their happiness is the reason for our existence right now

so screw your misplaced judgement @BeWaryFinch

We should speak to children with respect and model good manners. I'd say the majority of parents do but after asking nicely more than once and being ignored, a firmer approach is needed. What do you think we should do OP? Just continue to ask nicely and never get anywhere? I'm sure you're the type who'd be quick to complain about parenting if a colleague didn't turn into work or a friend didn't show for a meeting because their child didn't put their shoes on and get in the car.

I think the key is to slowly escalate. No point doing the same thing 10 times when it isn't working. (Easier said than done though when you're usually busy yourself and could really use them just putting on their own f*cking shoes when asked, without further parental involvement).

When my children repeatedly ignore my instructions, it's usually because their attention is fixed elsewhere. So I physically intervene to ensure their attention has to be on me. For example, remove the toy / turn off the TV, and get down in their face and say something like "Look at me - it's time to get your shoes on, we are already running late. Get your shoes on, now".

My children have learned decent communication from the time spent together that isn't functional instructions, time at the dinner table, general conversation and observing other communications.

They're teenagers now and reports from school are positive, and they interact well with adults at extra-curriculars so they haven't been stunted or damaged too badly by the brusk, minimal instructions over the years (even with executive function and autism issues in the mix)

Do you not put please on the end

Children typically lack the empathy, respect and consideration to copy adults polite behaviour. While we are waiting for them to mature we do also need them to comply, for their safety, our sanity, and social cohesion.

Obedience might not be fashionable but its rather essential for it to be learned.

You’re absolutely right, it sort of reframes it as a question rather than a command - you’ve hit the nail on the head

I think parents are far too bossy. You wouldn’t like to be told what to do all the time and certainly not like that. I don’t think it’s necessary. Why wouldn’t a child want to put their shoes on or why would they not want to go to bed, fix that and then you don’t have to tell them what to do. There are some exceptions where it is necessary but generally and all of the time bossing someone about isn’t nice yes they are not adults but are still a person and should have the freedom to make their own choices

My husband is a world class faffer - the sort of person who, if we're due to leave the house at 8am, by 7:58am has not yet got his shoes and coat on and suddenly decides to boot up his laptop to check the weather forecast or something. I freely admit I will sometimes snap 'Put that down and get your shoes on!". I am the opposite and if I need to leave the house at 8am I will be fully ready to walk out the door by 7:50 at the latest.