I don't like how people tend to speak to their children

[BeWaryFinch]

Fairly sure if another adult spoke to you the way that you speak to your children you would not like it. 'put your shoes on now' 'go to bed now' 'get in the car now' many other examples, or changing your tone of voice to be different than if you were speaking to another adult. Why do parents do this.

Erm so why would you speak to a child differently to an adult… precisely because they are a child and not an adult ?

Would you treat all people exactly the same independently of their capability ? Course not

I can’t imagine ever needing to mention to an adult that they should put their shoes on

but there are many situation where you would give an adult an order rather than a request - work being obvious one - pass me the scalpel

Would much rather have that then my SIL who is always late everywhere and is a pain to go anywhere with as she always speaks in a softly softly voice to her kids and never raises her voice or says no or now.

result- it takes her forever to get out the house as the kids just ignore her and to be honest they are not turning into nice kids.

This thread is up there with the time my husband said "when we have children they will only have classic wooden toys"
Yeah ok then... To echo pp, OP I look forward with great anticipation for the day you have children and I am sure they will grow up to be well-rounded, society ready, young people, I'm sure the teachers at their schools will relish that they need a little discussion/respect/ take up time around every single request.
I don't think it was the OP but another PP who suggested letting children have autonomy/choose what they eat?
Why?
Are you going to curate them a lunchbox every day with exactly what they want (which is famously changeable)? Or are you going to make them a sandwich/wrap/pasta which whatever you need to use up/what is in the fridge.

It's just so wild to think there are people out there who don't understand that children need boundaries, and clear instructions in order to feel safe. They are learning how to make their own decision and part of that development is to push boundaries. If you don't have a firm boundary that comes down and stays in place then they feel insecure/unhappy and continue to push more boundaries. Enforcing structure and rules is itself kind and developmentally appropriate.

Tell us what else you think you know, OP.

Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.

Ugh, up with my two children who don’t want to get back into their own beds because they are excited about something we’re doing today. If only I had OP here to offer chocolate buttons! Why didn’t I think of speaking to them nicely and making their room a nice environment…

As everyone else has pointed out, kids and adults are not the same. And actually if an adult consistently acted like a young child did you may well raise your voice or get angry... or at the very least give up on the situation and get professionals to deal with it like the police or mental health workers.
Because another adult isn't going to try and chuck themselves in the road usually.. or miss a dentist appointment because they don't want to put their shoes on.. and if they do do those things they'd be noted to have some serious issues and would need professional support.
So yeah in an ideal world you'd model how to never lose your patience and how to always speak politely to your kids.. but it's not an ideal world it's you on your own with children doing absolutely daft stuff whilst you have to make sure everything runs smoothly throughout the day.
I try to be as respectful and polite to my kids as possible because I want them to be respectful and polite to others. But it's not always possible because this is real life and I do need them to be out the door when I need them to be out the door!!

I would respectfully suggest, OP, that you spend less time hanging around this child’s house and instead get therapy to work through whatever lingering issues from your own childhood are making you post this farrago of nonsense. And if you think this six year old’s parent is abusive because they shout at their child about threaten them, tackle them about it. Don’t pontificate on the internet about your childrearing theories about making no demands, ever, of children.

Adults are people too. Sometimes their patience is exhausted. Sometimes they don't have time. Sometimes they don't feel well. Constantly pandering to a child and putting the child first is not good for the parent or the child. Yes, be kind and respectful but acknowledge that the world isn't a perfect place and everyone has limits.

We were all experts before we had kids 🤣

Absolutely!

i used to have 5 theories about raising a child and no children, now I have 5 children and no theories 😀

I have an only child who had always responded really well to being 'treated' as an adult. I would say, come on DS let's put your shoes on/brush your teeth/get dressed, you don't want to be late for school, and he would do it instantly. (I know this will probably change in the teenage years).

My 2 god children do not respond well to this style, and will say 'Yes I do want to be late for school', 'why do I have to brush my teeth?', 'I don't want to get dressed', 'I don't want to go to school' etc. a simple 'right, shoes on now' works much better, they see anything other than a direct instruction as more of a suggestion to be debated and their parents do not have time to debate for hours every morning.

When I first looked after my god children I tried the 'well sweet heart, if you're late for school you will miss out on learning' or 'you must clean your teeth to have a lovely smile', they just ask deeper follow up questions (How does toothpaste work? Who invented a toothbrush?) and they can go for hours!

What a load of old shit

Without trying to sound patronising, helping a friend is very different to being the parent 24/7. There’s a joke that the time you’re the best parent is before you have children.

Im a teacher and I can’t tell you what a negative affect your approach has on children in general. Children who are used to being bribed (as you did), cajoled, pandered to. Children who don’t put their coat on at playtime because it’s (lightly) raining because they don’t want to and think they should do what they want and no you can’t allow a young child to get wet and cold just to indulge them.

It's not only about parental frustration but also about cognitive load.
If my 5 year old (and indeed my 14 year old) have 5 things to do to leave the house, unless I'm issuing one instruction at a time, the 5 year old will be rolling around in his pants and the 14 year old will be on YouTube. They have very little capacity for cognitive load and need instructions given in a clear simple way. Usually I find "shoes now" to be clear and concise for them which shows I'm meeting their need rather than "get your effing shoes on right this second or mummy is going to lose her sh*t" which is too much for their cognitive load and they won't recognise the important part of the sentence. The politer version of "come along darlings, mummy had to be at work 10 minutes ago and you're still in your pants and playing on you tube, could I trouble you to put your shoes on?" would have similar issues with cognitive load for them to identify what they need to do.
Also maybe you should stop being so judgy- hope that's not too much for your cognitive load 😀

This is the answer. I always ask nicely (to start!) but if you have asked a million times and need to be somewhere - you do end up being a little more direct.

I did chuckle at this. The amount of times we have found out 7-year-old only wearing one sock and a pair of pants... Mist kids need prompting. TBH, as an adult if I am tired I also need clear instructions or my mind will wander!

You sound wacky op, as in completely not with it.

The world does not see your child the same way you do.

Your boss is not going to bribe you with a treat to complete your work, your university lecturer is not going to try and understand why you didn't want to submit your assignment on time, your doctor will not give you benefit of the doubt when you are late to an appointment because you spent the morning pissing around, your driving instructor will not ask nicely when asking you to do the same simple task 3 times.

Your approach sets expectations that will not carry over into the real world.

You can’t speak to a child in the same way as an adult as they don’t have the same vocab, cognitive abilities or emotional maturity. It doesn’t mean you can be kind and polite but it does mean you need to meet the child where their abilities are at other wise you are setting them up to fail with your unrealistic expectations.

But your comment about just bribing with chocolate makes you sound like a troll.

Absolutely. We've got about 10% at school that just won't do instructions at the first time of asking... or at all. Basic stuff like staying in their seats, not talking during the register. Sometimes SNs are a layer of factor but often not (and there are many more with SNs who are co-operative and put a good effort in who are very much inconvenienced by the disruption). You get in touch with the parents and they also seem to think an expectation of 30 people being given a generic instruction such as "stay in your seat" is wrong.

It simply isn't managable to give 30x personally negotiated instructions out, but there are some parents (who set their children up) to think it is.

And that's not cute in a teenager.

And in a few years, their colleges/ employers will waste very little time in telling them not to bother returning. They are not being set up with the skills they need to launch towards adulthood.

We're at the point now with our youth group that when parents have ridiculous complaints that we say "this is how we do this, maybe we're not the unit for you. Would you like us to take them off the register?" because if a parent is on that "parenting" pathway they'll be an absolute thorn in our side, and life's too short to pander to them.

The number of these parents has grown significantly in the past decade and they are failing their children and by the time they see it, it's very late to do much about it.

Some kids are just more biddable than others. I got lucky, mine both seemed to inhabit a world of Mary Poppins rather than Nanny McPhee.
"Shoes on lovey doves, let's go"... when my friend was round she was absolutely gobsmacked... said "HOW do you do that!?!".

I just said "shhhhhhhhhhh!, I don't know, but don't let THEM know that!"🤫

Oh this is a classic 🤣

Most kids will behave/do something for other adults (although I'm not quite sure you're an adult!) Precisely because theyre not their parents. I can tell my kids (generally very well behaved) to do something 50x and they'll look at me like my head popped off. My neighbour/parents/friend/random person can say exactly the same thing on exactly the same tone of voice snd they would do it first time. As parents, we are their safe space, where they know they can push buttons and boundaries and are still loved. Your enlightened insights and methods really aren't the flex you think they are.

And also, I'd be bloody furious if you bribed my child with chocolate (or anything!) For doing a necessary task, because a) i dont use food in that way and b) what is going to happen the next time I need them to do that task and I dont have chocolate to hand- you've just made rhat parents life and their childrens life that much harder. Well done.

I was a teacher in charge of 30 children for 4 years before I had my own children. I had a lot of experience with other people's children.

In no way was rhat comparable to having my own children

You know bribery. Bribery is a tool in the parenting handbook and I use it a lot but it doesn’t make me mum of the year. If anything I’m a bit embarrassed about my deployment of chocolate. It’s a bit cringe that you are on here boasting about using it when you don’t even have kids!

As a child, I remember noticing the differences in the ways adults communicated with children, compared to how they did with each other. We children had to ask nicely and say "please" and "thank you" for everything, and even then, the answer might be "no", but it was acceptable for adults to give instructions as monosyllabic commands, such as "Bed!" (See also adults being allowed to smack, unlike children, but that's a whole other debate.)

When I was aged nine or ten, I even remember saying to my parents "there's no need to order me to do it like that", when my parents would say brusquely "out!", as a first request, perhaps because they were surprised to find me there. They admitted they didn't notice they were doing it, that I was old enough to be asked nicely, and did change their approach. As a child, I had far more respect for teachers who didn't snap at children as a matter of routine.