I don't like how people tend to speak to their children

[BeWaryFinch]

Fairly sure if another adult spoke to you the way that you speak to your children you would not like it. 'put your shoes on now' 'go to bed now' 'get in the car now' many other examples, or changing your tone of voice to be different than if you were speaking to another adult. Why do parents do this.

1. I wouldn't take any parenting advice from someone without children. No matter how much your around kids it's not the same, children treat their parents differently to other adults.
2. This gentle parenting is why kids are badly behaved. It's pretentious and fake. Your example is you have bribed the child to get in the car. So next time he thinks if I play up and don't do it first time I'll get a reward. If my child doesn't do something after being asked several times he wouldn't get rewarded with chocolate, he'd get punished and have something taken away. More likely to do it first time next time. Children need consequences and yes you also reward good behaviour but not as a bribe.

I’m embarrassed for you OP.
if you ever have your own children you will look back at this and hold your head in your hands.

There will come lots of times in a child’s life where they have to follow instructions without being bribed by chocolate. The job of a parent is to prepare them for life. You don’t seem to have your own children so clearly have no idea just how many things need to be done in a day. If every parent bribed their child to get out of bed, then to wash their face, then to eat breakfast, then to clean teeth, then to get their uniform on, then their shoes, then get their bag, then get in the car that’s 8 rounds of chocolate before even leaving the house. Does that really seem healthy or sustainable to you?

How about teachers? Should they be giving the kids a Malteser for each sum? Perhaps a handful of celebrations for each correct spelling? What about safety instructions? If the cabin crew have to tell a child to fasten their seatbelt and brace for a crash in an emergency, should they have to give out crunchies and kitkats first? Or should that child have been prepared to follow instructions by sensible parenting that doesn’t involve bribing with sugar?

OP, bribery is the opposite of what kids need when they’re trying to communicate something to you. They’re expressing that they’re upset and you’re giving them something to comply and shut up. Kids hate losing their autonomy. Perhaps their car seat is really hurting them or doesn’t fit well? And you just gave them a chocolate coin and decided you’re Mary Poppins.
Leave the parenting to parents

People give instructions to their children because parents are usually sleep deprived, racing around like idiots and just trying to get through the day, sometimes patience is running a little thin and they just want their child to do as they’re told first time..
If I was looking after someone else’s child on a whole night of glorious sleep, without trying to manage the whole life challenges that come with offspring and working I would probably be all delightful and sunny, negotiating and bribing.
A child cannot walk outside bare foot on the pavements near us, there are often nails, broken glass and dog faeces, if I’ve explained this and a child still doesn’t want to put shoes on, I’m going to get firm and insist because I’m responsible for their well being, I’m also raising children that are going to be useful members of society by realising that sadly, we can’t always have our own way….
When you’ve had your own child and had to carry them out of a shop at the age of 2 surf board style under your arm because you haven’t let them randomly stand in the middle of automatic doors that didn’t seem to register a person was stood there, therefore preventing them from being crushed and they’ve thrown a massive tantrum about it, come back and give us your excellent tips….

I waa going to write a long response. Then realised it is a waste of my time. Your time will come OP. We all have visions of how we will parent when we are parents, this is just one of those delusions.

I don’t particularly like raising my voice either but after the 12th time of asking as well as warnings of shouting “which neither of us want” it can be inevitable. YABU.

My children were commanded at times ,it worked along with a don’t mess with me face ! They are adults now and laugh about what a PITA they were.
In normal families it is ok and doesn’t leave children with long term issues,my children are not scared of me and definitely respect me.
Quick example,one of my sons is in Australia and I am going there in November,he is so excited and has organised amazing trips for us to do together. He has asked me not to google because he wants to surprise me.

😂😂 i stopped taking this seriously at the part where you offered someone else’s kid chocolate coins to get in the car. you’re definitely not setting up unhealthy habits and unrealistic expectations there, you are a parenting genius, people who actually have kids of their own and have to manage all their many complexities day in, day out could clearly learn a lot from your experience of bribing a kid with sugar 🙄

I’m sorry I’m never accepting parenting advice from someone who isn’t a parent.

You cannot speak to children like adults because they aren’t. If they didn’t want to put their shoes on and it’s raining outside, they don’t have the critical thinking skills to realise in the long run they’ll be MORE uncomfortable all day with wet socks inside the shoes.

You also speak to them about their food choices, because given the option they would eat toast everyday. They need help and guidance to make choices. I’d never force them to eat something they don’t like, but if they just don’t fancy bolognaise that night, tough tits.

What you’re saying about bribing with chocolate coins is completely at odds with your ‘remind them why they like school’ business. If your reminding tactic works so well, why are you bribing with chocolate coins? Bribery is not a sustainable parenting tactic because it becomes the norm and expected.

People who don't have kids always think they can do better than actual parents. Are you planning on having kids? I do hope so, as you'll look back on this cringe so badly.

Are you going to allow your kids to get fat and unhealthy because you give them chocolate every time you need them to get in the car? They'll most certainly expect it after you've used that method more than once. Are you going to let your child walk to school barefoot because you "put their shoes in their bag"? Yeah, social services would be all over that. And then there's awful behavioural issues your kids will have because you won't discipline them and show them that as their parent, you're in charge.

The problem with your way is the value of the treat will become less effective over time. Chocolate will lose it's allure, so what would you use then?

It's well established that, for children to feel safe and secure, they need boundaries. Making them responsible for their own decisions leads to anxiety. They can have choices, yes. But they need adults to set up a safe environment, with consistent rules and expectations. That way they know if they do XYZ then ABC will happen. They have consistency and routine in their day, which makes them feel safe.

Don't get me wrong, a high value treat can be utilised sparingly. For example with my dogs, the only time they get a pigs ear is after a groom. As soon as the first one is off the table he's at the pantry for his payment. The second one practically throws herself on the table so she can get hers. Works the same with kids. But, as with my dogs, if they get the treat all the time, it loses value and ability to influence behaviour.

A child who only ever does what they want will grow up into an entitled adult who won't be able to get along with anyone as they have never had to compromise. It would be extremely difficult for them to hold down a job where they can't control what is happening.

Or do you expect teachers to deal with the undisciplined child and instill manners and discipline? Teachers need kids to follow instructions. Can you imagine the chaos with 30 kids who have only ever done what they want to do when they want to do it? Lord give me strength!

OP in an ideal world everything you’re saying makes sense, however until you have a child you cannot understand what truly unreasonable little arseholes they can be. My kids have a lovely bedroom, comfy beds with feather quilts, fairy lights, books a plenty… do they moan every night about going to bed? Of course. I’d be a shitty parent if I said oh you don’t want to go to bed? Ok I won’t make you then. Don’t want to go to school? I understand your feelings let’s have a duvet day. Part of being a good parent is teaching your kids that you can’t always get what you want and teach them to be resilient and push through. If you do ever have kids you will want to ring your own neck reading this back 😂

Must have missed the memo.

Why are we supposed to care what you like or don't??

Errr. Wha?!? Just a few things... Would you bribe an adult to get into the car with chocolate? Would you do this for LITERALLY every single task of the day? Every sock, hand wash, hair brush on and on and on.... Would you not end up with an obese child???

Oh... and most importantly - you're teaching the child to rely on external gratification. Maybe do some reading on how THAT is damaging to a child's mental health.

As per pp the nicely softly softly approach 33 times prior to the ‘order’ hadn’t worked!

It's often much easier to have a novel influence, such as with a friend's child, it's a totally different dynamic.

Bribing with chocolate or anything else isn't a healthy or sustainable approach for a parent.

Bribing isn't a healthy approach with anyone, it's not dissimilar from grooming, consider the message it gives.

Part of parenting is setting and maintaining expectations and boundaries, the best way to do this may also vary by DC.

If you are saying not to be verbally abusive then I agree with you, that's as far as I agree with you.

Oh dear. 🙈

Unless you're dealing with kids yourself 24/7, no one cares what you think.

Maybe it was me you noticed? About a year ago? Big Tesco? We just needed 2 things. We’d talked about needing to go to the shop. She wanted to stay in the car. But she’s three. So we agreed we needed to both go in. 5 metres in there was a meltdown. She was carried sideways around the whole shop to pick up 2 things. The whole time my little speech was :’The thing is, I try to explain it like the book says, but it just doesn’t work. I’m just not used to talking to dictators. I can imagine how Putin and Trump’s Aides feel, but right now we just need raspberries and olives and you won’t hold me back’ much to the bemusement of many middle class people who either had never had kids or have forgotten. It’s not that parents are awful. It’s that trying to negotiate is like trying to negotiate with a dictator. It’s different to talking to normal human beings. And if you forget that you’re in for a world of hell.

Bribing to do every day things is rubbish. I wouldn’t dream of bribing my dc with chocolate coins every time they didn’t want to do something. They would suddenly never want to do anything until they got a chocolate coin. I’d be psychologically training them that that’s how it works.
They’d be entitled, spoilt and probably have rotting teeth.
Children need to do things that are functionary and sensible. It’s our jobs as parents to make sure they are dressed suitably, have healthy food, go to places on time and whole lot of other things. Bribes can work but they need to be sensible bribes and fit the action.
Things like Let’s get in the car now so we can get to the place on time. You can choose which songs we listen to. Or Eat all your dinner as quickly as you can then we’ll have time to watch tv.
Sometimes it doesn’t work so that’s where shouting comes in because we’re humans and have limited patience and these things must be done.

Yes let's give them a chocolate coin every time we want them to do something!

A chocolate coin to climb into the dentists chair too!?

YABU children are not adults and you need to be more direct with them.
With an adult, you can say you are getting ready to leave the house, so the other adult will know they have to get ready. They know what tasks to fulfil to get this done.
Kids don't. They are still learning and you have to spell stuff out to them.

Parents are responsible for their children - their health, wellbeing, ensuring punctual attendance at school, keeping them safe - and so have to ensure compliance somehow.

Some children are very attentive and compliant, and so asking nicely works. Some, like my own DC, are amenable for a lot of the time, but generally only hear things that interest them and often ignore the rest. Some will take a mile if you give an inch.

My DC respond best to simple clear instructions - "You need to brush your teeth please, then put your homework in your school bag and put your shoes on". If they're away with the fairies, it then becomes "Brush teeth, homework in bag, shoes on please". And then if they're still zoned out, "Teeth, homework, shoes NOW!"

Sometimes you have to be firm to be kind. My older DC does not enjoy being late for school. Hates it. But he'd while away the minutes at home playing with his lego or counting the cornflakes in his bowl. It's my job to keep him on track until he develops some executive function, and sometimes the softly-softly approach doesn't work.

The reason I don't talk to adults the way I talk to my children is because I'm not responsible for them, and because most adults don't require anywhere near as much direction as young children. They don't need to be told to stay away from the edge of the platform at train stations, not to talk in theatres or not to climb on seats, for instance.

lol, I knew this thread would have some hilarious posts, and it does!

OP, I had 4 naturally chilled and well behaved kids and I’m naturally a mellow person and I almost never shouted or raised my voice at the. However, I did give them timeouts or ‘consequences’ that involved the removal of privilidges (typically screen time privilidges) though. Would you consider that ‘abusive’

A parent-child relationship can’t be compared to an adult-adult relationship. Adults have free will and are responsible for themselves. A child can’t do what it wants when it wants. You can bribe and cajole a child but ultimately a kid can’t do whatever it wants.