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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD mercy mission

197 replies

AuntieMeemz · 11/10/2025 09:10

Dd just got her 1st choice Uni and worked hard to get it. Her boyfriend of 3 years just broke.up with her. I cancelled lunch with freind ( who im in the process of distancing from)and am on train to the other end of the country to be with dd. Friend was annoyed and said I shouldn't just go running
I felt I had to go
Is that stupid?

OP posts:
BrokenWingsCantFly · 11/10/2025 12:51

I'd have done the same. Going through a 1st heartbreak in a new place could make her feel very alone. A few hours of cuddles, tears and letting it all out, followed by a distraction of a treat day out with mum could be the pick me up she needs right now.
Can't believe how many people would prioritise lunch with a friend over this

BunnyLake · 11/10/2025 12:54

This is what mums are for. It doesn’t have to be dramatic but just being there in person if she wanted that is very important in my books.

bondix · 11/10/2025 12:54

Your daughter is in a new place and dealing with all these changes including a breakup can be overwhelming so yes, you should be with your DD.
If you’re distancing yourself from friend I wouldn’t be too worried about taking her thoughts on board when it comes to your daughter. Is she maybe a little jealous?

BunnyLake · 11/10/2025 12:57

Lomaz · 11/10/2025 12:15

My sister is 18 and at university in Edinburgh. Tbh I think I would view it as a bit ott if my mum jumped on a train due to a break up. It would be different if she hadn’t made any friends.

She would definitely get TLC the next time she came home in the form of chocolates, fav meals etc. But not sure we would be racing to her.

But what if your sister asked your mum to be there?

FamBae · 11/10/2025 13:04

I'm guessing from your post she's a fresher and won't have been at uni long, just a few weeks. Not much chance to build close friendships etc. In that instance I would definitely go and visit her.

Longdarkcloud · 11/10/2025 13:07

OP you are the true judge of how reasonable your actions are — you know your daughter and how this will affect er and whether she will appreciate your support, you will also know the nature of the relationship and how much it meant to your daughter.
Families vary in how their members relate to each other, how close they are and the sort of emotional support they give each other. Your “friend” has no investment in your relationship with your daughter or her emotional health at this vulnerable time in her university career and is in no position to judge. If your daughter decided to drop out on account of her emotional distress others would probably just shrug and say “ what a shame”.

Luna6 · 11/10/2025 13:09

Sometimes you just need your mum. Doesn't matter how old you are.

sunflower85 · 11/10/2025 13:12

‘Mercy mission’ is a bit dramatic…

If your daughter asked you to come then fair enough. If she didn’t, then yes it’s a bit much to ‘run to the aid’ of a grown adult when they didn’t request it.

If things were that bad, surely she could’ve just come up home for the weekend.

Also, if it’s a friend you’re ’distancing from’ why do you care about their opinion so much that you created a post on Mumsnet to gather the opinions of strangers to justify your actions?

Biscoffbiscuits · 11/10/2025 13:17

Slobberchops1 · 11/10/2025 09:13

I mean , she’s a grown up and doesnt need mummy running for every little thing . I’m sure she has friends .

Sounds like you didn’t want to go out for dinner anyway so used this as an excuse

also “ mercy mission “? Cringe

My daughter is in her 40’s. She knows she can rely on me to support her when asked. If she needed me to go… I would in a heartbeat. I can’t understand this mentality of your child not needing you once they are ‘grown up’.

Bromptotoo · 11/10/2025 13:54

Our daughter was in a bad state after a similar break up in January of her second year, c2013.

I diverted from a work trip into Sheffield to spend a bit of time but in the end she came home with me.

Got back with bloke in April and is now married to him and with a 4yo boy.

dizzydizzydizzy · 11/10/2025 13:57

YANBU. It is up you to decide on your own priorities.

Sharptonguedwoman · 11/10/2025 14:02

ButSheSaid · 11/10/2025 09:18

Is a 'mercy mission' not making a bigger deal out of it than it needs?

No. Children, even 19 yr olds at the beginning of Uni life quite often need a bit of moral support and a hug. Uni can be incredibly lonely till you find your fee
I'd have gone in a flash and a good friend would completely understand.

Cherryicecreamx · 11/10/2025 14:03

It's nice that you want to be there to support her but I don't think dropping lunch with a friend was necessary. Your DD could have waited a couple extra hours surely? You ended up messing a friend around over something that isn't an emergency. I wouldn't be very happy if I was on the receiving end of this.
And did DD specifically ask you to come? Adult children will react differently to their parent just showing up.

poetryandwine · 11/10/2025 14:19

usedtobeaylis · 11/10/2025 12:21

I really dislike the minimising of things as routine experiences. Like when people say 'millions of women have babies' as if the individual experience doesn't matter. You and I having experienced something before doesn't make it easier for anyone who is in it right now, they still need to get through it, hopefully with the love and support of the people who claim to care about them.

Show quote history

I don’t think I was minimising DD’s experience. That’s why I began by saying that it was probably a good thing for OP to have gone to her.

To say that something is routine is not to minimise it. I think it is a big mistake to believe that your suffering must be more intense than that of others in order to make you worthy of care or comfort. Various types of pain are a routine part of life and should be honoured as such

undercovermarsupial · 11/10/2025 14:25

BarbarasRhabarberba · 11/10/2025 10:46

Couldn’t you have gone after the lunch or sent DD money for the train fare to go home for the weekend? This isn’t an emergency that merits cancelling on the friend.

This is what I think too. I wouldn’t cancel on the friend, I’d go to lunch and then go straight after, unless of course I was concerned that she may harm herself in which case I would go immediately and I think any friend would understand in that situation. But unless there are safety concerns, I don’t think this is a ‘drop everything and go NOW’ type of emergency and would be hurt if I was your friend, although I wouldn’t say anything.

Some PPs are being weird, there’s nothing wrong with needing your mum after a big break up at 18/19. When I started uni, a few of us really were like fully fledged adults (I was in this camp, actively preparing myself for independence throughout teens and didn’t need or want parental involvement at all), a few were still like kids and didn’t know how to do any of the stuff they needed to do as adults, but the vast majority were somewhere in the middle.

PatioPlotTwist · 11/10/2025 14:29

I am sure ‘mercy mission’ was tongue in cheek.

OP it was fine to go. I would have understood if a friend cancelled and they would understand if I did. We all have young adult kids. My daughter had some brief breakups and I could support her by phone. This sounds much more serious and I can see why a visit would help. At the start of term it may not be easy to confide in new acquaintances.

You sound like a great mum, and your daughter is lucky.

JustSawJohnny · 11/10/2025 15:09

I'm 53 and even at my big age my Mum would cancel unessential plans to come to me if I were in a state.

As I would for her.

I think it depends on what kind of relationship you have.

If your kid needs you and you can go, you go, IMO.

That's the relationship I have with my Mum and the one I aim for provide for my DS.

SquigglePigs · 11/10/2025 15:21

I think it's lovely. My parents drove and hour and a half each way to give me a hug and take me out for dinner when my boyfriend dumped me half way through my first term at university. 20+ years later it still means a huge amount to me that they did that.

Being there for your DD is more important than one meal with a friend that can be rescheduled.

WatchingTheDetective · 12/10/2025 00:07

Does your daughter actually want you to go there?

BauhausOfEliott · 12/10/2025 00:36

Depends on how your daughter is. If she’s just a bit weepy and miserable its a bit excessive to drop everything, but if she’s so utterly distraught that she’s talking about dropping out or seems desperate or unstable then yes, it’s reasonable to go to her. If she’s only just started uni she won’t have close friends around her yet and her school friends probably can’t dash to be with her if they’re all in the middle of their own fresher’s weeks or still settling in to their own unis.

I think your friend (and a lot of people on this thread) are thinking of this like it’s a teenager splitting up with the boy they’ve been seeing for a few months at school, but three years is a long and serious relationship and starting university is already a huge change to cope with. So I think it’s understandable that, if your daughter wants you there, you’d go at short notice.

Frankly, I think plenty of parents (or siblings or best friends) would drop everything to go and see a daughter of 30 who was devastated to be dumped after a three-year relationship they’d expected to last, so I don’t see why it’s surprising to do the same for a slightly younger adult really, if they really are in a very bad way.

My dad drove three hours to collect me from uni and bring me home for a few days when my own long-term boyfriend at the time dumped me. One of my parents’ neighbours made some dismissive remark about it and said ‘She’ll have forgotten about him in a week, they do at that age’ and my dad pointed out that he was engaged at the age I was then. Thirty years later, I’m still grateful to him.

QuayshhLawrain · 12/10/2025 01:19

I would have done exactly the same @AuntieMeemz! My DD has only been at uni for a few weeks, but she asked me to go up and see her for the day last weekend, as she was having a problem with her girlfriend and wanted to talk it through. She's made lots of friends at uni, but they don't know both girls, and DD wanted some insight I was happy to provide. I also gave her a massive cuddle, which I know helped! Our DDs may officially be adults, but I'm 45 and still get a cuddle from my Mum when I need it!

Fountofwisdom · 12/10/2025 01:26

You mean something happened to your DD that happens to practically everyone in their early adult life, and you went racing off like a classic helicopter parent? Just because her bf dumped her? It’s not a fkin mercy mission, a mercy mission is dropping food parcels to a war zone. You and your DD both need to get a bloody grip. You were rude to the friend you cancelled and you know it.

CrazyGoatLady · 12/10/2025 03:02

You're not BU to go see DD to support her after a breakup, although it does sound a little overdramatic to cancel all your own plans and rush over straight away. I have a friend who was always doing this with her young adult DD for every little thing, wasn't able to tolerate anything going wrong in her DD's life/DD being upset and not rushing in with the cavalry to fix it. It did mean her friendships suffered, and now her DD is older and has moved further away, she's become rather lonely. So I guess I'm saying YANBU with a note of caution to be careful about cancelling on your friends and putting your own life on the back burner too often for adult children. I'm on the edge of navigating empty nest life with two older teenagers and I've often thought I don't want to end up how she has.

I'm guessing you probably were quick to cancel because you don't really like this friend that much, if you were in the process of distancing yourself. If it was lunch with a close and valued friend, maybe you'd have been more likely to go to your DD afterwards?

Manthide · 12/10/2025 08:05

timetochangethering · 11/10/2025 10:18

There are definitely two types of people.... I said to a friend a couple of weeks ago, "gosh I'm tired, just ran DS to Uni and just got back" response, "You took Ds to Uni!! I sent mine on the train with her bag, she was fine" Cue us looking at each other in incomprehension - I can't imagine NOT taking DS to Uni, and like you would go get him/see him if needed.

We took ds to university when he first started in September 2021 but after that he always took the train (s) and bags. It would have cost a lot in petrol and we are on UC. He was fine with that and dd1 lived about 10 miles from the university and helped to store stuff, take him out for meals etc. Dd3 is probably going next year and hopefully she'll have passed her test and will be able to drive herself after the first time.

Jok77 · 12/10/2025 08:15

You're a mum, your child comes first. Her mental health and wellbeing come first.
I would have done the same.