DD mercy mission

[AuntieMeemz]

Dd just got her 1st choice Uni and worked hard to get it. Her boyfriend of 3 years just broke.up with her. I cancelled lunch with freind ( who im in the process of distancing from)and am on train to the other end of the country to be with dd. Friend was annoyed and said I shouldn't just go running
I felt I had to go
Is that stupid?

Your daughter comes before any friendship, and it would turn me right off somebody being offended by me prioritising my family over a social get together with them.
Yanbu.

This exactly. As I said, I feel sorry for the posters who think that way, that once your child hits 18, they can fend for themselves and better not DARE bother them. How sad. 😢I am SO glad that I have never behaved like this towards my DC. I have always been there for them. ALWAYS. And I always will be. Hence, we have wonderful, loving, close relationships.

YANBU assuming DD desires your presence; however:

Your DD needing you and the fact that you are trying to distance from this friend should be unrelated. I do not understand the relevance of the distancing comment.

Also, from the title I was expecting this to be about DD’s experiences in Gaza or similar, not a fairly routine life experience.

I think whilst going once may be a good thing, you have to make sure it does not become a habit.

If it's her first year, she'll barely know anyone

Hmmmm on the fence about this one. I have a DD at Uni several hours away from home. I know if her boyfriend broke up with her she would be devastated but I also know she has a good support network where she is and good friends who would be there for her.

To be honest I am not sure my DD would want me to drop everything and head off up to her. She is an adult now and has independence from me so I would only go up and spend the day/night with her if she really wanted me to. If she wanted me there, I wouldn't hesitate.

Does your DD know you are coming? Does she have friends?

Not enough info, if (friend aside) you are wondering if you did the right thing.

There are so many variables here - your daughter has just got into uni and already lives on the other side of the country from you (on her own - e.g. going to uni as a mature student or perhaps she lives with her other parent?) - or perhaps you were on the other side of the country visiting (did you go to see your friend, or just met up with her when you were there anyway?) and went home early? Did daughter ask you to come or was there a strong indication that she needed you to physically be with her? Etc., etc. - you get the idea.

BUT if you were sure you did the right thing before your friend commented, did she really give you reason to reconsider and think it might be bad for your daughter for you to go, or are you just feeling guilty for letting down the friend? Missing a lunch doesn't seem like a huge deal to me, so if you still think going was the right thing I would apologise to the friend but not worry too much about it.

🙄

it’s such a weird position to take: so needlessly unpleasant, but I guess born out of trauma

@Slobberchops1 I’d genuinely love to hear why you feel the way you do?

I wish my Mum were as lovely as you. I am sure your daughter needs your support more than your your friend does. Friend also sounds quite critical of your relationship with your daughter and that’s not really her business.

Your ‘fiend’ is being very selfish.

Maybe now is the right time to completely cut contact.

Sorry op, I think this too. I would have been mortified if I broke up with a bf and my mum appeared at uni. I have friends, and a phone for that.

Yup.

Family first……every time! Your daughter is upset and your ‘friend’ is just being a twat.
Your priority is your daughter. Safe journey.

I wish my mum was more like you! If she had been I might not have married the wrong person because I was desperate to have someone.
Has she asked you to come?

Sounds like a great time to drop the friendship that wasn't working anyway.

What a cow your friend is! My best mate would have probably jumped in the car with me.

You've done exactly the right thing - first love break ups hurt like a bastard and your daughter needs you. Hope she's ok.

surely your daughter could wait hours - a day ? If that's the relationship you have with her ( I wouldn't have wanted my mum turning up in that situation - but I realise people have different relationships) = she hasn't been injured, she can cope surely while you make time to visit

I dont think that merits cancelling lunch but perhaps if you really thought your daughter was struggling

My best mate would have probably jumped in the car with me.

Well it obviously isn't Op's "best mate" is it?

My friends would have been understanding if I wanted to cancel.

But depending on how often I saw them & if it might be a while before we could meet up again I probably wouldn't want to.

I'm not sure it's as clear cut as not cancelling=bad & uncaring.

Me too

Even more so if it happened in the first few weeks and my Mum was stood around my hall of residence telling people she is was on a “Mercy Mission”

First term at uni, aged 18/19 and end of a relationship of 3 years, yeah, you're right to go.

Any friendships she's made there will be of a few weeks duration and she's away from home for the first time. It can be a difficult period without being "dumped" and from a purely pragmatic viewpoint, better to give as much support as possible now than have her drop out because she can't cope.

Encourage her to talk to her personal tutor/any support services at her college so they are aware of what's happened. It may be a teenage breakup but it will still be mammoth for her and they can give her a bit of backup too.

Your friend is a cow!

I think it's over-dramatic to just drop everything and go.

Even a long call today and travelling tomorrow is more reasonable.

You're a proper mum!

It says a lot about why you are distancing yourself from your so called friend. Hopefully her self-centered response has sealed it for you once and for all.

Hope your DD is okay. Going to uni is a massive life change at such a young age, and I'm sure it will turn out to be a blessing in disguise that she's no longer with her BF.

I think that if your friend said this she's demonstrated why you're "in the process of distancing from".

Wow there's some mean pp on this thread, mean opinions and mean to op.

Op your friend sounds awful, She's lacking empathy and compassion, no wonder you're trying to distance from her.