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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD mercy mission

197 replies

AuntieMeemz · 11/10/2025 09:10

Dd just got her 1st choice Uni and worked hard to get it. Her boyfriend of 3 years just broke.up with her. I cancelled lunch with freind ( who im in the process of distancing from)and am on train to the other end of the country to be with dd. Friend was annoyed and said I shouldn't just go running
I felt I had to go
Is that stupid?

OP posts:
PersephonePomegranate · 11/10/2025 12:07

beaniebabby · 11/10/2025 09:14

Isn't this what friends are for?

Isn't that what mothers are for?

Depends completely on their relationship!

Also, realistically, if shes a fresher, she's only been in uni for a few weeks, maybe she hasn't made close enough friends for that yet?

nettie434 · 11/10/2025 12:09

Maybe the OP used 'mercy mission' in relation to herself as she clearly didn't want lunch with the soon-to-be-distanced friend so it was useful to have an excuse for cancelling 😜

Emmz1510 · 11/10/2025 12:13

You’ve probably made the issue sound more complex than it needs to be by adding that you are distancing yourself from this friend. That will lead people on here to consider whether you did this because you are fading her out and whether you would have done the same for a close friend that you actually valued. Would you?
For me, the answer would be yes. Regardless of the strength of the friendship I would have went to my daughter under these circumstances, particularly if she was asking for me (I might check first that she wanted me there- she may have been planning to spend time with friends out on the lash, in which case my presence might not be needed or wanted). If the answer is also yes for you, then you needn’t have included the detail about the friendship and muddied the water. It’s irrelevant.

diddl · 11/10/2025 12:14

Friend was annoyed and said I shouldn't just go running

I mean she might have a point.

I don't necessarily think she is a cow or awful for this one thing.

Obviously though if Op is no longer bothered about being friends they she wouldn't care about cancelling lunch.

Lomaz · 11/10/2025 12:15

My sister is 18 and at university in Edinburgh. Tbh I think I would view it as a bit ott if my mum jumped on a train due to a break up. It would be different if she hadn’t made any friends.

She would definitely get TLC the next time she came home in the form of chocolates, fav meals etc. But not sure we would be racing to her.

BaileyHorse · 11/10/2025 12:16

I would’ve done the same for either of my children. My mum would do the same for me now and I’m in my 40s! Blood is thicker than water. And clearly this is someone you’re already distancing yourself from so don’t really think it’s a problem you need to be worried about

usedtobeaylis · 11/10/2025 12:18

It's an incredibly intense age for a heartbreak. Normal yes, but no less devastating. I would do the same and I would expect a friend to understand, as I would understand if it was their daughter.

SazKaka · 11/10/2025 12:18

No, that’s not stupid.
Thats called parenting.
I can’t imagine how any mother could ignore their child during such an emotional time.
If you’re able to drop things to go and support them why wouldn’t you?
If a friend was a good friend then they would understand, wouldn’t they?

Frankenpug23 · 11/10/2025 12:19

I would have gone to my DD too! I hope she is okay ❤️

usedtobeaylis · 11/10/2025 12:21

poetryandwine · 11/10/2025 11:00

YANBU assuming DD desires your presence; however:

Your DD needing you and the fact that you are trying to distance from this friend should be unrelated. I do not understand the relevance of the distancing comment.

Also, from the title I was expecting this to be about DD’s experiences in Gaza or similar, not a fairly routine life experience.

I really dislike the minimising of things as routine experiences. Like when people say 'millions of women have babies' as if the individual experience doesn't matter. You and I having experienced something before doesn't make it easier for anyone who is in it right now, they still need to get through it, hopefully with the love and support of the people who claim to care about them.

Hankunamatata · 11/10/2025 12:24

I think i would have supported by phone then asked dd if she would like me to come down following weekend

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 11/10/2025 12:24

I can't see why people are so hung up on the OP's phrase "mercy mission", some people type how they talk - sounds entirely reasonable thing to say, no drama is implied by it. Simply a sad situation with young DD - surely any can see that a split after 3 years is very hard at any age!

I've had this from friends who don't spend much time with their own kids, its like competitive misery - "just let them get on with it" etc etc., yet if you dashed off to see an adult who was upset after a split you'd be some sort of amazingly supportive pal. Your own child? Nah there's something wrong with you. I am actually "distanced" from a friend just like that, I couldn't take her constantly negating my concerns or experience based on the fact that she hardly saw her teenagers and felt herself to be a better parent because of it. Maybe use this as the chance to cool the friendship to Christmas and birthday cards for the time being and carry on doing whatever you want to with your own family.

Toofficeornot · 11/10/2025 12:26

If you are close and she needs you and called tou then of course go ans cheer her up. I would go if my kids called me. It's nice she wanted you there. She might be feeling lonely and not have formed friendships that are close enough to pour her heart out to at the uni. Everyone might be in freshers fun mode and she might not want to be the sobbing girl in the group. Sometimes you just need someone that has known you for a long time to be there in times of need. New friends at uni won't be close enough to be there for her.
I do get the whole, shes a grown up etc, but if your best friend called and was in a new city, heartbroken, would you go? I would.

OhDearMuriel · 11/10/2025 12:26

Good comes out of bad, now you can finally get shot of the horrible emotionally inept woman😁

You're a good mum, I hope your daughter is okay.

Christwosheds · 11/10/2025 12:29

Slobberchops1 · 11/10/2025 09:13

I mean , she’s a grown up and doesnt need mummy running for every little thing . I’m sure she has friends .

Sounds like you didn’t want to go out for dinner anyway so used this as an excuse

also “ mercy mission “? Cringe

Blimey. Harsh.
She is 18, or just 19. Still really young, she may have only been a legal ‘adult’ for a couple of months. Young adults still need their parents, there isn’t some magic event that makes you suddenly totally independent and self reliant the day you turn 18 !
Even much older adults still need their Mum when things are rough. Mine died years ago but when I’m really upset she is person I want.
I have been to see my older dd at uni on lots of occasions when she just needed a bit of tic, love and affection, support. We are close and she knows she can ask me and I will go, if she wants me there. Isn’t that what your Mum is for ? To make you feel loved and nurtured even when things fall apart ?

JillMW · 11/10/2025 12:30

Process of distancing from? So not a friend, someone you don’t like but who is handy to have lunch with if nothing else turns up?
Only you and your daughter know if your drive was reasonable or not. Presumably he split with her and you are not going to find that she had been in the process of distancing from him so she could see someone new.

saraclara · 11/10/2025 12:32

shhblackbag · 11/10/2025 09:47

Mercy mission makes it sounds like she's dying or something. It's a breakup. Perspective is a good thing. That's probably what your friend meant.

Mercy mission is just a light colloquial tern in this context. In fact it's pretty much the only context in which I hear the term these days. I'm surprised that several people on this thread don't recognise that and are accusing OP of being over-dramatic

DramaAlpaca · 11/10/2025 12:33

I'm sure OP was being slightly tongue in cheek calling it a 'mercy mission'.

I would (and have) done similar for my boys. They live their own adult lives for the most part, but if they need me, I'm there.

Jamandtoastfortea · 11/10/2025 12:38

What you are doing is lovely and you obvs have great relationship with daughter. but pretty much everyone who arrives at uni with a long distance boyfriend will split up by Xmas, so it may not be quite the drama yiu think. A sad film, a few drinks with friends, and a little clothes shop could well have worked too. You did what you thought was right for your family at the time and that is therefore the right thing to do.

Livpool · 11/10/2025 12:41

Thundertoast · 11/10/2025 09:37

Im not saying this is you, OP, at all. But its made me think...to be totally honest, as someone who had long (18+ months) relationships right from the beginning of dating at 15 and also had lots of people around me who did the same... my mum struck just the right balance I think, because if I was there, she gave me a cuddle and invented excuses to do stuff more and then probably booked us a little treat to cheer me up, if I was away she would ask if I wanted her to ring and then probably find an excuse to ring me on the pretence of something else then check in on me. She was sympathetic, and showed me love, but breakups were part of life and very much something that you dealt with as well as regular life. Its meant that I deal with breakups very well emotionally, because I know I'll be fine, life moves on, my mum is there if I need.

The people I know whose mum's would rush to their aid, use words like 'she's devastated', encourage them to put normal life on hold, spend time endlessly going over it etc, act like they've fallen ill... yeah, the world stops for them every time they have a breakups and they talk and act like they are DEVASTATED.... interestingly, I also find these people are the least realistic about relationships ending. As younger people, they seemed to come from the default assumption that every relationship is intended to last forever and that means you must do ANYTHING to save it and failing is a TRAGEDY. The same people who would never be able to understand that there is no ideal way to break up with someone, so all actions by the other party are villianised. The same people who then think the default is to hate your ex and everyone in your life think terribly of them, and anything outside of that is weird as they are obviously IN THE WRONG.
Basically, I think that the way people behave with their kids around breakups, the language they use etc, can often actually NOT be supportive and in fact is not thinking about the fact you need to be showing a child its okay to be sad, mum is here for you, but life moves on. People obviously work from their own experiences and non of us are perfect. A parent shouldn't be dismissive, and be conscious that all kids are different But I can see as an adult how many people have actually set their child up to feel more hurt, by talking and acting like its a MASSIVE deal. Breakups are part of life and we need to talk more about them when things are good.

Edited

Agree with this. Why all the over the top language - mercy mission FFS!

Be careful not to make too much of a big deal. I know someone and even now at the age of 35 she still acts like a teenager. She got dumped about 2 years ago and has now made it her whole personality! Her and her mum sat and cried together - what the fuck!

Break ups are a part of life - it isn’t the end of the world and treating it like is makes it seem like a much bigger deal

user1492809438 · 11/10/2025 12:43

If she was really a friend, she would understand children always come first no matter what their age. You did what any parent would do, absolutely the right thing.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 11/10/2025 12:45

It all sounds a bit dramatic but yes, I would have gone to comfort my DD in those circumstances.

Fabulously · 11/10/2025 12:49

This is confusing.

firstly why do you need to travel to the other end of the country to see your daughter, given you said she just got her first choice of uni. Do you mean she already moved there?

secondly, if you’re distancing yourself from this friend, why do you care about what they think?

Screwyoudavid · 11/10/2025 12:49

I have a DD 22 and DS 21 both living away from home. If I knew one of them was very upset hell yes I would drop everything to be with them, that is what Mums are for isn't it? Fuck what anyone else thinks aside from your kids.

BunnyLake · 11/10/2025 12:50

I would have done exactly the same if my ds wanted me there. Sounds like you have good reason to be distancing yourself from friend.

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