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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DD mercy mission

197 replies

AuntieMeemz · 11/10/2025 09:10

Dd just got her 1st choice Uni and worked hard to get it. Her boyfriend of 3 years just broke.up with her. I cancelled lunch with freind ( who im in the process of distancing from)and am on train to the other end of the country to be with dd. Friend was annoyed and said I shouldn't just go running
I felt I had to go
Is that stupid?

OP posts:
Thundertoast · 11/10/2025 09:37

Im not saying this is you, OP, at all. But its made me think...to be totally honest, as someone who had long (18+ months) relationships right from the beginning of dating at 15 and also had lots of people around me who did the same... my mum struck just the right balance I think, because if I was there, she gave me a cuddle and invented excuses to do stuff more and then probably booked us a little treat to cheer me up, if I was away she would ask if I wanted her to ring and then probably find an excuse to ring me on the pretence of something else then check in on me. She was sympathetic, and showed me love, but breakups were part of life and very much something that you dealt with as well as regular life. Its meant that I deal with breakups very well emotionally, because I know I'll be fine, life moves on, my mum is there if I need.

The people I know whose mum's would rush to their aid, use words like 'she's devastated', encourage them to put normal life on hold, spend time endlessly going over it etc, act like they've fallen ill... yeah, the world stops for them every time they have a breakups and they talk and act like they are DEVASTATED.... interestingly, I also find these people are the least realistic about relationships ending. As younger people, they seemed to come from the default assumption that every relationship is intended to last forever and that means you must do ANYTHING to save it and failing is a TRAGEDY. The same people who would never be able to understand that there is no ideal way to break up with someone, so all actions by the other party are villianised. The same people who then think the default is to hate your ex and everyone in your life think terribly of them, and anything outside of that is weird as they are obviously IN THE WRONG.
Basically, I think that the way people behave with their kids around breakups, the language they use etc, can often actually NOT be supportive and in fact is not thinking about the fact you need to be showing a child its okay to be sad, mum is here for you, but life moves on. People obviously work from their own experiences and non of us are perfect. A parent shouldn't be dismissive, and be conscious that all kids are different But I can see as an adult how many people have actually set their child up to feel more hurt, by talking and acting like its a MASSIVE deal. Breakups are part of life and we need to talk more about them when things are good.

TheCosyViewer · 11/10/2025 09:40

squashyhat · 11/10/2025 09:16

What are you going to do when you get there?

Do you really need to ask that question? What do you think she's going to do ?????

How about giving her DD a hug, letting her DD talk about how upset she is, comfort her, talk about Uni life is so far and what fun things she has coming up. Maybe a walk and some lunch. Some shopping maybe. Being a presence, enjoying a good mother/daughter relationship.

Sally2791 · 11/10/2025 09:42

I absolutely would do the same, and a real friend would understand.

MotherMary14 · 11/10/2025 09:43

God there are some spiteful responses already and we're only two pages in! No, you are not being dramatic or infantilising your DD. She's upset at her three-year relationship ending and you want to check on her in person. Nothing wrong with that at all!

As for your friend, she's just giving you further confirmation of why you want distance from her. A good friend would understand and be happy to rearrange.

shhblackbag · 11/10/2025 09:47

Mercy mission makes it sounds like she's dying or something. It's a breakup. Perspective is a good thing. That's probably what your friend meant.

MrsNadjaCravensworth · 11/10/2025 09:49

Did your daughter want you to go?

beaniebabby · 11/10/2025 09:50

I cant comprehend that some Mothers wouldn't.

Really? I have 2 sisters and a brother, if my mum dropped everything to visit us when we had boy/girl trouble she wouldn't have had much time! But her & my father very much still supported me, I remember them sending flowers, money for a food shop, shopping during various upsets at uni. And I was always welcome to go home for a weekend if I needed TLC.

beaniebabby · 11/10/2025 09:51

@Thundertoast agree

shhblackbag · 11/10/2025 09:52

MrsNadjaCravensworth · 11/10/2025 09:49

Did your daughter want you to go?

Pretty crucial point, agree.

Smartiepants79 · 11/10/2025 09:53

I would have gone too if I knew she was very upset. A real friend would have completely understood and told you to go.
She can’t be much more than 18 and 3 years is long time to be with someone. She’s away from home for the first time and probably not settled yet with friends she could rely on. Go and cheer your girl up.

Fidgety31 · 11/10/2025 09:54

You sound very dramatic . Why would you go for lunch with someone you don’t want to stay friends with .
why do you say it’s a mercy mission for your daughter - like she’s stuck in a rainforest and needs to shipped out or something .

All very weird .

PinkiOcelot · 11/10/2025 09:56

God some people just get off on being nasty on here! Glad they weren’t my mother that’s for sure.

I would have done exactly the same thing. Packed a few chocolatey treats as well. Just gave love, a great big hug and a listening ear.

To those asking if she even wanted you to go, I’m sure she did. My dds would have 100%.

Hope your dd is ok. He’s not worth her tears. None of them are x

TheBlueHotel · 11/10/2025 09:58

Why were you going to lunch with someone you don't want to be friends with?

zingally · 11/10/2025 10:02

I'd have done the same, and my friends would have absolutely understood and told me to go.
Honestly? It sounds like you're just looking for another reason to list in your head as to why you're justified in cutting things off with this "friend".

cryingandshaking · 11/10/2025 10:02

I would do this too. I had an idea from the post title it would be about a DC at uni (one of mine is living away too). Don’t know why everyone is getting their knickers in a twist about the phrasing - no different from me announcing I was “starving” this morning when I’m visibly not.

My colleague was annoyed last year when his wife, also our colleague, flew to see their DD who was unwell with the flu recently after starting uni. It was just a short flight within the UK. I took her side 😁

Barney16 · 11/10/2025 10:03

I would have gone but after lunch. Unless I thought she was going to hurt herself. Then I would have gone immediately.

rainbowunicorn22 · 11/10/2025 10:05

Family first i am sure your daughter appreciates what you have done and at times like this mum knows best

Moonless · 11/10/2025 10:07

Sick of the spiteful responses on here.
I've done a few uni "mercy mission" trips for various kids, I'm using the term "mercy mission" tongue in cheek, as I'm guessing did the OP, I also do the occasional "first aid parcel" and nobody's leg is hanging off.
My kids are all resilient, but a hug, a sympathetic ear and a meal out are always well received. I've had some devastating health news lately and they've returned the favour by popping up to check on me now and then.
It's what some families do, if yours doesn't that's fine too, but there's no need to make disparaging comments.

Happyholidays78 · 11/10/2025 10:09

I would do the same if my son/daughter wanted me there. If I wasn't wanted I would check in a bit more than usual & maybe send some nice food/chocolates/flowers etc & let them know I'm free whenever needed.

Goatinthegarden · 11/10/2025 10:13

Oh gosh, on the fence here. I think that it’s great you’re there for her, but also it might be helpful for her to realise the world has not come to an end and stopped spinning just because her relationship has ended. If I really thought about it, I’d say a phone call and then you arranging to go visit for a fun distraction rather than a mercy mission after you’ve fulfilled your existing plans would probably be a bit more balanced.

But ultimately, it’s up to you what you think is best when it comes to your child.

Figgygal · 11/10/2025 10:15

You can't just call her? Or go tomorrow?
Other side of the country no I'd not be dropping everything to rush to my daughters side

MotherMary14 · 11/10/2025 10:15

Moonless · 11/10/2025 10:07

Sick of the spiteful responses on here.
I've done a few uni "mercy mission" trips for various kids, I'm using the term "mercy mission" tongue in cheek, as I'm guessing did the OP, I also do the occasional "first aid parcel" and nobody's leg is hanging off.
My kids are all resilient, but a hug, a sympathetic ear and a meal out are always well received. I've had some devastating health news lately and they've returned the favour by popping up to check on me now and then.
It's what some families do, if yours doesn't that's fine too, but there's no need to make disparaging comments.

👏

Mylovelygreendress · 11/10/2025 10:16

Years ago DD1 and her then boyfriend were on holiday in our holiday house in Spain . They had been together more than 2 years . He dumped her on the first day but wanted to stay on for the week “ as friends” !
I flew out and ordered him out of the house and stayed for the week . DD and I had a lovely time . She cried but we also laughed .
Hus mother accused me of being heartless !

Chilliandbanana · 11/10/2025 10:17

I am going to see my DD at her new uni tomorrow as she is missing home and us. She is only just making new friends and doesn’t feel comfortable sharing her that she is missing her parents and sister and has had quite a few tears about it. It will take the whole day tomorrow as we have booked a meal out but we want to go and see her and give her hug as she is struggling.

OP, I would have done the same as you in your situation.

diddl · 11/10/2025 10:17

This is all dramatic & skewed isn't it?

I would have stayed for lunch & gone asap after as a compromise.

On the grounds that I would have been lunching with someone I wanted to see & that my daughter knew I was there for her but that it was not a disaster that needed me to sprint off to attend to immediately.