DD mercy mission

[AuntieMeemz]

Dd just got her 1st choice Uni and worked hard to get it. Her boyfriend of 3 years just broke.up with her. I cancelled lunch with freind ( who im in the process of distancing from)and am on train to the other end of the country to be with dd. Friend was annoyed and said I shouldn't just go running
I felt I had to go
Is that stupid?

There are definitely two types of people.... I said to a friend a couple of weeks ago, "gosh I'm tired, just ran DS to Uni and just got back" response, "You took Ds to Uni!! I sent mine on the train with her bag, she was fine" Cue us looking at each other in incomprehension - I can't imagine NOT taking DS to Uni, and like you would go get him/see him if needed.

Your daughter needs you

How many great friends she knows she can trust completely is she likely to have formed in two weeks flat?

I'd travel to the ends of the earth for my son if he needed emotional support. When they get older they need to become independent autonomous humans for all the practical stuff, and our role is reduced to answering questions about how ovens work to support them in this, and being the emotional safety net if they need us. You did the right thing and your friend is being weird for not understanding that.

What does she want? It should be about her not you

I think your OP is saying that your DC has just started university.

It was rude IMO not to at least finish lunch. Being ‘in the process of distancing’ yourself from the friend isn’t relevant.

I don’t think I’d go travel a long way on the very day - or even the next few days unless DC explicitly asked me to.

Oh, sorry, I think you’re saying you cancelled lunch at short notice. That’s less rude IMO!

I would also have immediately gone to DD, and any of my real friends that I might have been eating lunch with would have understood because they would all have done the same.

The end of first love is crushing.

I mean I am as hard as they come but would have done the same.

There is some real performative concern on social media, I stand with whatever cause whilst not actively doing anything but keyboard warrior about it. A great example is MN being very concerned about young peoples MH issues, on the rise unfortunately. But then people like the op are criticised for showing deep love for their own children and supporting them. The only time not to go is if they ask you not to, then that request needs to be respected.

I expect your daughter will be happy to see you. She might not admit it as it is not cool to at Uni to want to see your Mum!
I wouldn’t take any notice of your friend. When our children were growing up, they always came first, and yes if they needed us, we would go and see them. Our friends always understood because they had children of the same age. Now our grandchildren come first and yes I have had to cancel on friends for coffee because a child doesn’t have childcare but my friends would do the same.

I can see why you are distancing yourself from this "friend"

Yours may well have wanted you to go, I absolutely would not have wanted my mother to swoop in making a big drama.

But then that's my mother, and I recognise that not all mothers are the same.

Two birds one stone .
Your daughter is more important and this will expedite the distancing process.
Good decision .

I have done the same. You’ve cancelled lunch early in the day so it’s not like you left your friend waiting at the restaurant. A three year relationship is a big deal at any age. When I did it it I helped my DD find new accommodation and helped her move. She would have been fine without me but she welcomed the support. I did the same thing with another one of my kids when they were struggling with exam/exam stress. My kids are in their late 20’s and early 30’s now and all fully functioning responsible and happy adults.

I have a great relationship with my Mum. I’m in my 60s but I still find her very supportive.

YANBU to go and support your daughter, and pay no attention to people saying she's a grown adult and needs to toughen up etc etc. You do get these 'once someone hits 18, they are a grown-assed adult, who needs to buy a property, leave home, support themselves fully financially, and they don't need their mum anymore.'

But in real life, some people struggle for a few years and aren't 'fully fledged adults' the second they hit their 18th birthday, and will take a bit longer than some of their peers to fully mature/be independent... And people need their mum at ANY age. And it can be very comforting even talking to your mum over the phone.. I feel sorry for people who think differently.....

Still a bit baffled as to why you are meeting up with someone you don't want in your life though @AuntieMeemz Just give her a wide berth from now on. She's not worth bothering with if she can't see why you would want to go and support your daughter.

If your daughter is in great distress then yes go to her. Nothing wrong in that.
My mother certainly wouldnt have done the same

So what if shes a grown up and has friends... mum can still go and see her. Doesn't make dd any less grown up to have a good cry on mums shoulders. Honestly such werid comments ppl post

Couldn’t you have gone after the lunch or sent DD money for the train fare to go home for the weekend? This isn’t an emergency that merits cancelling on the friend.

If it was a good friend I actually liked no I wouldn't have done that. I'm sure your dd could have waited the 2hrs you took for a lunch before being rescued on your "mercy mission!" Or you could have paid for her to travel home so she would have arrived by the time you'd finished with friend.

Given you don't actually seem that fond of friend then its slightly different but tbh if you're "in the process of distancing" from them then why are you going for lunch with them in the first place? That's hardly very distant!

Tbh YABU for using such emotive, therapy style speech rather than just saying "to go and see dd" and "friend I'm not that keen on".

I’ve cancelled on friends often over the years to attend to my DD and they have always been supportive and understanding. Indeed I cancelled one last week as I felt I needed to pop in and check up on my daughter (also in first term at uni, although complicated by ASD/ADHD and a history of anxiety).

I would have had no hesitation of dropping everything to seen her in an emotional crisis and suspect I may be doing a similar ‘mercy mission’ for my DS next year as I am not sure I can see how he and his GF will navigate a distance relationship when they both head off to uni.

Your kids don’t stop being your kids when they turn 18 and they don’t stop needing their mums when they are in distress. Fortunately most of my friends feel the same way and, their kids not being 20s/30s, have all confessed to rushing to uni in a crisis to hug their kids.

This is exactly the position my mother took at every difficult point in my life: rushed into hospital: sorry too busy to stay; broken up with a boyf: what’s the big deal; loss of a child: it’s all rather inconvenient.

it is why I now have nothing to do with her and why I will always prioritise my DCs need for me above anyone else’s. Even though they’re grown ups. It’s why we have amazing relationships and that’s the most important thing we n the world.

I would have done this too, OP. My mother wouldn't 🙄

You did the right thing! Hope your DD is feeling a bit better today, with her Mum's support.

What's a grown up? You don't need to be over 18 to go to uni, so technically she might not be an adult yet, if that is what is classed as a grown up. I don't think this is classed as a "little thing" - her first serious relationship, that she had been in for 3 years, that's not a little thing. She no doubt does have friends, but many of them are probably just settling into their own 'new lives' many miles away, and she's probably been at this uni for a few weeks, hardly long enough to establish friendships where you can turn to people for comfort and support.

@AuntieMeemz I'd have done the same thing as you. I think people forget that our children are only a few months post being classed a "child" and growning up isn't a switch that clicks over to experienced adulthood on a particular date. Who cares what your 'friend' thinks if you're distancing yourself anyway - I'd say this has just given you more evidence to support your decision. I hope your daughter is okay. My brother had his serious girlfriend split up with him a few weeks into uni, but what made it worse was that they had gone there together so he was constantly running into her and her new boyfriend. I hope your daughter is able to turn this into a positive to find new friends and date new people, and has an amazing time at university.

Well, you were "distancing" yourself from this friend anyway so it doesn't sound like much of a loss. Personally the last person I'd want to talk to about anything like that would've been my mum, but then I'm 68 and we didn't generally confide in our parents when we were teenagers. But if my adult son really needed me I'd move heaven and earth to be with him.

You did the right thing. Those first few weeks of uni are really hard and friends are not the same as a mum shoulder to cry on.
has your friends got children of the same age in the same situation? If so she should understand.