To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

I dont think ypu can answer this without a lot of thought.

Perhaps you didn't want children. But you have them and you have a responsibility to them, just as their father does.

This could work just fine. Or it might not. I've taught pupils that have parents (mothers or fathers, but mostly fathers) who work away during the week. Some are totally OK with it, some are not.

The ones that are ok:
Have other support e.g. family that help out or paid nannies. This means the kids don't miss out on extra curricular activities etc and still have someone to support homework when needed.
Live in an area with at least some public transport. Again, this helps with activities and socialising.
Are themselves quite busy during the week and have weekends as downtime, so they still get plenty of time with the parent and don't feel their lack during the week.
The parent makes an effort to keep up with news during the week rather than being totally switched off e.g. phones so they can listen/chip in to parents evening, makes it back for concerts as often as possible etc. Basically not making the child feel like a lower priority than work all the time.

So think carefully about your particular circumstances. Would the logistical and financial cost to your children be OK or too much? What support will be in place? How will you keep up with the progress at school, friendship issues etc.

This is entirely from the perspective of a 13 year old whose dad ended up out of the home 4 nights a week.

There is no personal satisfaction on this planet worth the potential fall out.

The parent at home can become resentful of carrying the major load of the kids. The returning parent can find that upon arriving home they get hit with a wall of complaints by the home parent, and the kids about the home parent, who did what, which transgressions that should be left be get dragged up in time for the weekend/holiday.

Marriages can fray. Perhap temptation, once perfectly resisted by avoiding situations where temptation might occur, can creep in. And not everybody is fab at resisting temptation when they feel resentful, or like a weekend whipping boy/girl.

Not all marriages survive an additional layer of distance and “absence does not always make the heart grow stronger”.

The fall out of a badly frayed marriage, or one that does survive intact is hard enough on kids. Those that had just managed 2 years of parents tussling due to one being out of the home rather a lot, to satisfy their personal priorities might find it even harder.

Child/parent bonds can weaken over time with the not always home parent, especially if it was from parental preference rather than absolute necessity. It can feel like all the stress and ill-feeling was chosen freely, despite the downsides for the young ones with no vote in the matter.

Been there, done that, got the “fall-out” T-shirt.

I’m glad it happened to me, because it gave me insight that helps me avoid certain potential unintended consequences being my son’s life rain. Without those scars to remind me, I can see how a planned path might not illustrate clearly the thorny terrain that may have to be navigated. By all involved.

I love my job. I’m exceptionally good at it. But I can live with being a big fish in a puddle better than I can live with the potential price for my boy if I strike out to swim in the sea with the other big fish.

I think it’s a bit odd to blame your husband and children for not following your career when you’re late 40s, why hadnt you taken the step to do this prior to your mid 30s? Lots of reasons I’m sure, but in your post it feels like you’re blaming them when that obviously isnt true, so I wouldn’t get too self righteous about ‘finally’ doing something for yourself.

Anyway, ours are a similar age and DH is currently working away in the week. Something I always swore we wouldn’t do because it felt like it would be a part time family life and it was awful the short stints we did it when they were younger. But actually this time around it’s been very easy, we are all so busy mid week, and the kids chip in, and we make much more effort on weekends for family time. So I’ve proven myself wrong how it could work.

That said, I’m not sure I could do it, these years are precious, would you have a big drop in income? I’d be worried about quality of life for that reason also.

You’re actively discouraging a very unhappy OP to do something which would improve not only her own life situation but that of her family too, and based on your own individual situation, which is not OP’s. So people are going to respond accordingly. It’s a huge opportunity and with pretty much the guarantee of advancement from her present employer at the end of it. She sacrificed her career to give her DH the children he so desperately wanted and has supported him working away. Now it’s his turn and if handled properly the children will learn from a degree of increased independence and responsibility, and respect the fact that their mum is an individual, not just a parent.

I think it will affect your relationships with your husband and your children, so if you do live way, you should factor in ways you can manage that. Your DH will be the primary care-giver and therefore most likely develop a closer relationship with them, especially as they go into puberty. Your children aren't so little that they will need you all the top, but they will need you in other ways.

I spent quite some time way from home this last year, and these were my considerations. My DD (12) and I are still struggling to get back to our relationship before, despite planning ahead for this eventuality.

OP had choices and chose to have DC, take a break from paid work, tolerate her H’s work trips.

OP’s H may or may not he unreasonable not to want the family to move areas for two or more years, depending on his vs OP’s reasons. If for example DC1 is at an excellent secondary school and it’d be hard to get into a good school and good housing in the new area, that’d be stronger reasons than that he personally prefers the current location.

Also very different if overall they’re a good team with a good relationship to a scenario where this is a stepping stone to separation or divorce in the mind of one or both of them. If it’s the latter, DC could experience one parent not being there much, then further changes.

Having been the 12 year old in this situation, I'd say it made me much closer to my mother and more understanding of her as a fellow human being. I think our excellent relationship for the rest of our lives was rooted in that year where I was let grow up a bit and she became more independent and interesting as she also grew.

It would be harder if the children had reached the confrontational teenage hormonal stage - these ones are old enough to do basic self-maintenance, young enough not to blame their nearest and dearest for the travails of puberty.

My friend did it in her mid forties. Her husband worked from home. He now has a very strong bond with his children and grandchildren. Think of it as gifting him the opportunity to be with his children at a golden age.

You will find relationships shift in the family when he becomes the primary carer. Kind of put her nose out of joint until she relaxed and went with it

I did this for the final year of my degree. I'm glad I did because it opened up my career possibilities, but it had its drawbacks. HUGE ones in my case, but it doesn't sound as if you would have the same problems.

My (now) XH promised to support me and to look after my slightly older children. It turns out he wasn't really capable of doing that. Certainly not of supporting me - and I don't mean financially - he was never able to do that. He was completely self-centred and everything was about him, so he could not understand anybody else's points of view, unhappiness, worries etc. I had to manage everything even while I was away from home during the week. I had to organise the shopping, children's appointments, paying the rent, paying bills - everything. And, apart from the basics, he didn't do anything for the children.

I say go for it IF, and only if, you are quite sure that your children won't suffer when you are away. Obviously they will miss you but, apart from that, will they receive all the practical and emotional support and care they need when you are away during the week? And - will your DH step up to do the practical household management tasks that need to be done during the week.

you're not leaving them - you're training away from home and investing in your future. Reframe all of this!

It doesn't matter if your husband doesn't do much housework now - he'll soon learn to do more

I’d do it. Plenty of kids have parents who work away or work shifts, in the military, shift patterns that mean they don’t see them for a bit etc etc. if you don’t do it you’ll always wonder what would have happened if you did and, from the sounds of it it will benefit your family in the long run financially and in terms of your wellbeing.

I would just leave it a few more years. Your children are relatively young but it depends how independent your children are and how much they need you around. Lots of families put their children in boarding school and the children cope. Maybe with some life long hang ups though.

Give your Dh did exactly the same for years, go for it. I bet he didn’t feel guilty, his perspective is probably that he was earning and financially supporting the family which is exactly what you’d be doing. You can video call and you’ll be home every weekend.

Or alternatively OPs DH could adopt a positive attitude and foster the same in the kids in recognition of the fact that he now has an opportunity to put OP first and support her, in the same way as she has put him first and supported him in the past. Marriage is supposed to be give and take, not something to cause pent up frustration and resentment which inevitably comes to the surface with potentially damaging consequences for all.

My friends mum did this for a year or two (can’t remember exactly) when we were at secondary school so older than 10-12. She was really sad about it. She was bullied at school and I think felt really alone. Her Dad was at home but not really an emotional sounding board. They get on fine now though but based on that I wouldn’t do it personally.

Honestly sounds shit for your husband. Looking after the children whilst working would be a nightmare but it’s up to you to discuss and agree.

Please do it.

My mum did this when I was 13 and my brother was 11. She lived a couple of hours away during the week, staying on campus. We spoke to her most nights on the phone. Dad helped us with homework and everything else.

As a 13-year-old, I was so proud of my mum. My brother was, too. We understood she was trying to better herself and improve her chances of a good career to support our family.

It never bothered me. And as a young girl, I grew up and learned the importance of education and having a career.

My mum ended up being a high earner with a great job close to home and lots of flexibility.

Don’t feel guilty. Please do it. Otherwise, you’ll spend your life thinking, “What if?”

To borrow a phrase from my now late mum: “If a door opens for you in life, walk through it.”

go for it!! There are plenty of jobs where the parent is away for months at a time ands its for the whole duration of the career. They predate facetime and mobile phones and the kids turn out fine.

He works from home. Women work and look after children all the time. Why are men any different ? OP has worked, looked after children and supported her DH to work away. Why is she not afforded the same consideration ?

Is this a healthcare/AHP course - so in reality approx 46 weeks a year rather than 30?
If so can you do the “normal” BSc route over 3 years somewhere close? A year longer but much less disruptive.

What the fuck are you on about?! Millions of WOMEN work full time and still look after the kids while their husbands work offshore in oil and gas, fly in and out of the mines in Australia, or spend years away in the military.

Why is it only “a nightmare” when a MAN has to do it?

@mummymetalhead That’s not the same. The husband will be there and she’ll only be gone for short periods for 2 years.

@Youcannotbeseriou I think this would be a wonderful example for your children to see you work to achieve a dream. Good luck

Just do it OP, just do it. It's not a block of two years, it's effectively six short terms, which will fly by in a whirl. I think a lot of posters on here are overestimating the length of University terms. Your children are probably at the best ages they could be over the next few years as it happens. Seize this opportunity.

In actual fact, this could be fantastic learning opportunity for your children, particularly if you all approach it as Team Youcannotbeseriou. Having an objective, pulling together and making the most of learning opportunities to advance the prospects of an individual and the family are all powerful lessons to take forward into adult life. I believe it may well also give your children an added respect for your contribution to family life, you can read in this thread how proud many posters are of a parent who did something similar.

I speak as someone whose spouse worked away Mon- Fri (abroad) for thirty years. Now that I would NOT recommend, nowadays, but this is completely different, and with a clear objective and timeframe in mind.

Please don't even consider moving closer to the University, that would be seriously disruptive for your children.

Please do it. Worse case scenario, you can give it up, but barring a tragedy I think you'll always find a way to make it work. Good luck. 💕

Go or you'll regret it if you don't.

My DM studied away for 2 years, home at the weekend and term holidays, when I was 13.
We coped as a family and my DM reaped the benefit of being able to progress in her career.

It’s not ‘plenty’, ‘loads’ or ‘so many’ families that do this, it’s a minority.

If OP’s H is currently a great or mediocre father that’s unlikely to change if she does this.

None of us can say what the DC might think or feel about this (or indeed the alternative) and how it might affect them in the short and medium term. Some DC might well be fine. Some might not. It’d be a gamble.