To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

Nope. The day you get pregnant is the day you stop being able to suit yourself. Your children won’t see an impressive woman following her dreams, they’ll see a mother who’s not interested in them and puts work first.

Sorry to be blunt but I think it’s important you get a range of views.

Honestly OP I would do it. It’s only 2 years and will be over in a blink. They aren’t babies and DH can step up for a bit plus you’ll be home probably for weekends and holidays.

if the roles were reversed and DH was offered the job of his dreams but had to work away what would you say?

The words "plenty" and "loads" don't imply a majority.....just that its not a rare thing. I do agree that both parents need to be in agreement for it to work but I think that in a good relationship, the starting point should be "how can we make this work?" not "You can't do this"

But it is of benefit to them. Teenage is when children get expensive. This means more money for stuff, holidays, uni, help with housing etc.

It’s uncertain whether OP doing this would benefit the DC, financially and in other ways.

For a start even if the study is free it’d be two years of not earning money - so opportunity costs of £40k if she currently earns £20k

And I’d remind your dh of that too.
Him going away during the = not a problem. YOU handled it all on your iwn (I’m sure he didn’t put anything in place to help you either right?)
Now that’s his time to step up.
He can’t have it all his way all of the time.

The dcs will cope.
It’s just 2 years, not for the whole year. They’ll see you putting effort into creating a new career for yourself. Going back to Uni. And they’ll get to experience daddy’s ways too. Which isn’t always a bad thing either.

Resentment?

Amusement! It has moments when it's tough, but that is the same for friends who are happily married.

At 10 and 12 it's not as if her DC need a lot of physical care. If her DH is pulling his weight it is perfectly manageable. OTOH if she has settled for a DH who doesn't pull his weight then she and the DC will struggle.

Sadly so many women seem to settle for a DH they have to run round after. At least us single parents don't have a man child as well as our DC!

I'd have been heartbroken at 10-12 to be apart from my mum 5 days a week for 10 weeks at a time. And even when you're home at the weekends, you'll have coursework/essays to do, so you won't be focused on them.

But it reads a bit like dad is the default parent in this case, so perhaps they won't be that bothered.

If it had been reversed, I wouldn't have been that fussed if my dad had worked away during the week, because it was mum who was the primary parent.

That’s not important for kids. They need love, security and consistency from engaged parents. That’s the best you can give them, not house deposits and cars.

I would say you should do it as in the long term it will pay off this is an investment in yourself. Your children will reap the benefits in the longer term. They will probably adjust and I do hope your husband is supportive. Good luck.

Yes, and they can get all of those things if one parent is away part of the week.

That’s an outdated and frankly harmful way of looking at motherhood. The day you get pregnant isn’t the day you stop being a person with ambitions, goals, and the right to a fulfilling life.

Children don’t just learn from what we say; they learn from what they see. Watching a mum work hard, pursue her goals, and create stability for her family teaches resilience, independence, and self-worth.

Plenty of fathers work long hours, travel for work, or are away for weeks at a time, yet no one calls them uninterested in their kids. Funny how the standard shifts when it’s a woman doing the same.

Following your dreams isn’t abandoning your children. It’s showing them what’s possible.

I'd do it.
You've put everyone else's needs first for a long time, time to do the same for yourself.
Your husband has 'made clear' he's staying put. So basically he's said this suits me and fuck what you want because my wants are more important.
Yeah, definitely time to start putting plans in place that suit you OP.

Do it. You won't be away for months at a time, you'll be home every weekend. My business partner's wife works away in the week and comes home at weekends and it works very well for them. You'd be home mid-week way more than she is, she's had the working pattern since her children were younger than yours - they're happy, well-adjusted, successful kids, and I wouldn't say my business partner is the 'default' parent as a result. Their son is much closer to his mum.

I do sometimes think my business partner is a hero though, because our work is extremely demanding and involves very long hours, and while he works from home to be physically present, he is juggling a LOT making sure his kids get to enjoy clubs and hobbies, they have a dog, a horse and goats... Don't get goats, yeah?

TBH I think it would be very difficult for you really.Masters is difficult and requires a lot of work .DS did it in a year and it was full on! (in his 20s and no kids or wife!) When youre a Mum things change .

I'm an army brat from the days when they spent 6 months being shot at. Thanks

I've been on both sides of this.

If you don't try it you'll never know and the family don't learn a) resilience and b) that mum is allowed to live her best life too

It's a shame he's not being more supportive but that's always the way it goes isn't it. It compounds the guilt that will eat you alive.

I think a lot will obviously depend on the relationship you have with your children. My daughter would cope a lot better with her dad being away than she would if I was away, even despite her having probably the strongest, healthiest father-daughter relationship I've ever seen modelled in my life. I'm the go-to comfort zone and at 10 that is huge. You'd really need to think about how you would continue to be there for your children and maintain the relationship. I know you would be here in the holidays and the weekends etc but the day to day will be a big miss for them.

But if you possibly can, it sounds like a really good opportunity and you should do it.

Funny how this shit is never said to men isn't it?

@dottiedodah I too have a Masters, which I did in one year, so I understand what you're saying, but the OP will be doing it over two, which I imagine will be less intense?

Maybe not in the immediate term but depending on what values they're being raised with, there's no reason they won't see the importance of their mother being educated and having a strong career and sense of self.

You could do it in 6 years time with far, far less impact on the children.

I think you have to do it.
Your unhappiness will harm the family.
Your husband was desperate for children but still worked away.
You deserve this, its only two years and 28 weeks will fly.
Do it.

I say go for it. The majority of men would not question doing this in order to progress their careers, and would have the support of their family and friends, but women are conditioned to feel guilty for doing the same.

This will not only enrich your life and make you happier, which will have a positive impact on your children, but will have a positive financial outcome for you all. Go for it.

What does your DH think? Does he think your proposal is a good idea and that you will all cope, as you did when he was away? Is he telling you there's no need to feel guilty?

For this to work you need him onside fully willing and able to step up and step in while you're away or busy, and if he's not then it's going to be a lot harder for all of you. Especially you.

If your DH was desperate for kids, why did you have to give up on your dream career??

I agree that it’s your time now OP and time for your DH to bloody step up. You will still see your kids at weekends and it’s good for them to see their mum have ambition. And see their dad taking on more of the caring role for a bit.