To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

Doubt it is ‘many, many’ fathers who work or study away to this extent. It’ll be a small minority, if we exclude deadbeat dads who don’t parent their DC once their relationship ends. I don’t think it’s good for fathers who have other options to do this either.

I would probably come back Friday evening and get up at the crack of dawn on Monday so you have 3 nights at home. If it is a 4 day a week course then you would get 4 nights at home.

I think it is doable but it will be knackering and your DH needs to be fully on board with it. It is a big ask to expect him to work full time and be solely responsible for the kids and housework during the week. Plus he will need to feel pretty secure about your relationship to not feel a bit worried that you might meet someone else.

Yes but it’s not sometimes a good thing..
Think carefully about this maybe a couple more years would be better unless your husband is really happy to pick up everything during the week as well as work
Also you’d need to realise the amount of work involved in a masters to think you’d always have weekends free you might end up working weekends too on course work.

For a fixed period of time, fir a specific benefit (career and financial). Not a general expectation that this is a reasonable long term position

Your mind must be easily blown. There are countless posts on here about men who leave their families for another woman and hardly ever see their children. Even the dads that don't completely abandon their former families often only see them at weekends. There are also loads of men who work away from home during the week.

It's massive double standards to guilt trip OP who, despite not being the one who was desparate to have children, still had to be the one who sacrificed her career to look after the children. Her DH has previously worked away from home and the kids were fine. They should be fine if OP does this. University vacations are long so she will still spend a lot of time with her children.

Although I think you should go for it, when you at at Uni you're not a teenager with no responsibilities. Your DH and kids should be a priority at weekends. This comment makes me wonder if you just want to leave your current life and responsibilities behind!!

How on earth do us single parents manage the 'big ask' of working full time and being solely responsible for the kids and housework - not just 'for the week' but weekends as well?!

My DH worked away from home for years. Go for it.

Go for it, it's only two years and you'll be back at home full time for the late teen rollercoaster years :) and supporting through exams , heartbreak, etc xx

I think it’s doable but you really need your DH onside. I wouldn’t move the kids for two years if you expect to come back, as trying to apply for school places could be really hard.

She is already late 40s, wait another couple of years her kids will be into GCSE years. Wait until those are done. Wait until after A levels. Wait. Wait. Wait. Life is not a dress rehearsal and the opportunity is on the table now. If she doesn't grab it with both hands, it may never come round again.

Of course her husband isn't going to be happy about it, because it means extra work for him. And God forbid that a man should actually have to do the heavy lifting for a family that he wanted. He should be encouraging her to follow her dreams, not trying to hold her back.

The kids will be fine with their father. They aren't being dumped at the poor house door and left to fend for themselves. Some of the attitudes towards women on this thread are utterly depressing.

There will be a cost in your relationship with your kids. Doesn’t need to be bad but your relationship with them will be different and they will become closer to DH. They will always know you chose this over them. I’m not saying it’s the wrong decision for you, but make it with your eyes open.

You do realise that everyone thinks being a single parent is incredibly tough and is not a situation that most people aim for in a two parent relationship.

Your instant resentment at my comment rather proves my point that OP’s partner needs to be fully on board.

I wouldn't hesitate. It will be fine.

So your husband has done something similar during the kids' early years? And you all survived it.

Would you say the same thing to a golfer or a cyclist who spends whole weekends away from the family, or those who work long hours and never get home for bathtime or family tea?

But surely she’s getting at least the full weekend if she’s away Monday to Friday. And university holidays are like half the year, plus reading weeks etc.

op I think I would be fine with this with kids at secondary age.

chances are depending on lecture times you could maybe even do drop Monday am and be back Friday for dinner!!

Sounds an amazing opportunity it’s only two years and kids are still young. University course Monday to Friday so I would make sure studying done in that time allowing the weekends to be free. Same with the children so you can all enjoy your weekends study free. Also you may find you are only in university 3 days a week. My daughters course is full time but only has lectures 3 days a week.
Do you have any other support network at home could family/friends help out with children so husband has more support? When my children were young my husband worked away Monday to Thursday and I found it very hard but it would have been easier if the children were older but he changed jobs and now works from home.
I hope it all worked out for you sounds like you will be happier.

If this father’s parenting and domestics are excellent and his behaviour is upbeat and ‘level’ most of the time there are still some big downsides and risks for the DC.

If - as seems likely - he has flaws the downsides and risks are greater. (Been there got that t shirt as the DC in this kind of scenario)

What? There are soooo many families where the father already does exactly this and no-one says that.

No, it won't be easy for any of you but it's doable and you're right - timing-wise it's now or never. It sounds like your husband mostly gets things his own way in your house (he wanted kids so you had them, you don't like where you live but he's decided you're all staying there and that's that), maybe it's his turn to give a bit.

Couldn't say how the kids would react? My daughter is 10 and she'd be horrified and devastated at the idea of me being away all week. I don't have the other parent in the house though so I suppose it's different.
You don't mention if you love your kids. People usually say things like 'don't get me wrong I love my children, but...' You don't want to be a parent?

If the dad is hands on then I suppose I'd go in your situation. You seem to have sacrificed yourself here. If the kids wouldn't be bothered you should 100% do it and come back to them a happier and more fulfilled person.

I think that's better than sticking around being miserable. I think if you do this it may help you have a better relationship with your children. I can't relate to your situation at all but I think it's a good idea you go and do this for yourself, honestly.

Assuming you can come back every weekend, be present for your kids and reserve the week for work on your masters I’d do it. It’s not great timing re their ages, but they’re also old enough to understand why you’re doing it.
Uni terms are short too.

Or to play devil's advocate, your children will potentially need you even more as they negotiate teenage years. And you will be missing out on a huge part of that brief time before they leave home.

People are different but I couldn't miss that much of my kids day to day life and would rather wait until they were away at uni to pursue my own studies. Not sure why 'time isn't on your side' you can do a masters at any age.

This is a tough one. You are entitled to get yourself into a career you enjoy and at the same time, if you think it could negatively affect your children, I wouldn't. (I know my eldest couldn't cope with me being away so much).

On a side note, your DH doesn't come across well in this.

Plenty of people have this arrangement already where one parent works away mon-Fri and comes back at the weekend. Usually the man and it’s usually to London. Most kids that age wouldn’t mind especially these days where you can FaceTime every day.