To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

I’m absolutely astounded at the negativity towards a woman doing something for herself and expecting her partner to pick up the slack. It’s something men automatically expect women to do when an opportunity for a ‘big job’ comes along. Why should women be any different ?

I agree entirely. Some of the responses are so depressing. Like women have no right to self-autonomy. Something that men have always taken for granted. Kind of explains why and how the patriarchy continues to be the default modus operandi.

Assuming a cooperative husband and a sensible and practical setup, the children will be just fine.

100% you should do it - if your husband can work away, why can’t you?!
My husband has a friend who’s wife works away Mon-Thurs and one of my friends only saw her husband at weekends due to him being in the army. Both sets of kids were perfectly adapted to their situation and it became the norm for them.
You’ll also have the added benefit of being home every weekend and half terms…plus it’s only for 2 years which will whizz by… go for it!

Go on luv! What an amazing example you would be setting to your children. Don’t think about what could have been and just do it.

Could you really not wait a few more years to do this until the children are into their teens? It may be more detrimental to them than you realize to be away for such long periods of time for children of that age. You're their Mum

Do it OP, take the shot. Your DP may be right about not moving, it would work better for the kids to stay settled, uni terms are always shorter than school so you’ll be around for beginnings and endings. As a pp said check out the dates/requirements for being in person. But sometimes these things happen. You’ve got a chance to make a difference to your career, take it. I don’t believe a mother should sacrifice everything for their children. Plus they’re hitting the age where they need you but don’t care if you’re present or not so as long as you keep communication open and are able to talk during the 72 hours you’re away all good!

I should add, I get a lot more quality time with DC when we see each other only Fri-Mon, because I'm much more rested, having had the mid-week period to myself to do everything I need to do, and I feel fully present with him at the weekends as a result.

If you are very unhappy, then I think you must do something as otherwise you have at least 6 years until schooling done.

Have you looked for OU or part time courses as this would be easier to manage if available?

Also be realistic over finances and your DH job - some managers can get really wound up about e.g school runs or sickness etc.

If you do go ahead, then you should probably try and put extra effort into kids and DH when you are at home. No matter what they say , there is a big risk of resentment setting in so plan to offset this ahead of time.

Many years ago my Dad moved 100s of miles away for a better job opportunity. Mum stayed so we could stay in school while waiting for the house to sell. It took 18 months!
He came back once a month. This was pre mobiles so we wrote to him and rang him. It was hard but it hasn't negatively affected our relationship at all. It then meant they were better off and we had good opportunities. My mum was there as the stable figure so we didn't feel abandoned.
It really depends on how DH can support. If he's wfh, does he currently do drop off/pick up. All childcare will fall on him so is he able to look after a sick kid if needed?
You'll need to work really hard during the week to make sure your weekends are free to see the kids.
It's absolutely possible and better now than when they're teens if I'm honest. But it really depends on if he can/is willing to step up.

Given your first post, I’d say go for it. You’re unhappy and you made sacrifices (are still making sacrifices as you say you have no career) for the sake of your husband. Now it’s your turn.

If you don’t do this you will probably feel resentful and that’s a really toxic emotion.

At 10 and 12, they’re starting to be more interested in their own stuff than in you. Make the effort to be consistent in your availability by phone, and on the weekends/in holidays, and show them it doesn’t mean you don’t love them or take an interest in them- and they’ll be fine, they’ll get the example of seeking out challenge and working for your dreams. And of seeing their father take on the domestic burden, which is always a good example.

I did a 2-year course which was long weekends every month or so, and I loved it. It meant my dc had 2 extra nights each time with their dad, so not that much, but the freedom I felt while away from the domestic load (dogs, meal planning, shopping for food, cleaning) was quite extraordinary- I had so much more energy and social battery on those weekends than when I’m at home.

Good luck!

My only concern would be that I would start to get very into the freedom, independence and stimulation I got in the week, and would gradually start to spend more time in that world than home. The odd Friday social thing you don't want to miss. The weekends when it seems easier to stay put and work without distraction etc. I think it calls for a lot of self discipline and a strong commitment to keep showing up for family life. Especially when you see how well they cope in the week.

You’re the one who has assumed the chores are all hers.

Another good thing might be if you can get all your studying done in peace while you're away in the week and be able to take a break at weekends.

You'd probably be an ideal lodger or flatmate for someone too, only there 4 nights a week and not all year round.

Children go to boarding school and spend weeks at a time without their mothers.

In this case they'll have their father, their schools, each other, phone contact every day, their mother at weekends. And a splendid example that hard work to improve life prospects is a good and attainable thing.

Teenage years can be similar to the toddler stage, they need extra guidance and support, this is the probably the best time to return to education, there are plenty of breaks throughout the year, if you have a husband that can step up and support you, it is a good opportunity.

Absolutely do it! My mum went to university when I was five and needed to spend a year abroad as part of the course. My (previously not very hands on) father and I were absolutely fine and even now at the age of 80 she still works as a translator thanks to her eventual phd.

so your assumption is that her husband will work full time, be the sole carer for the children AND do all the housework on top of this?
because I’m pretty sure I’ve seen women told to LTB in this situation.

Your children whilst older still need you, especially girls at this difficult time in their lives. You will regret it.Unpopular comment I know. If they don't resent you now they will as adults. Childhood is so short you really want to leave for 2 years at a pivitol time in their development?

This.
There has to be some serious consideration to the life you build while away, it would be unfair if this brought an end to the marriage and family life, it is obvious that you don't particularly like parenting. Be careful that their life isn't destroyed.

Father's all over the world work away from the home Monday to Friday, or even longer. When they do it they are usually (outside of the MN warped reality) perceived as supporting the family, sacrificing home pleasures for the sake of their family and generally hard working family guys.

When women suggest doing it, they are abandoning the family and have cries of "how could you bear to only see your children two days a week?!"

You are a person aswell as a mother. If your husband is willing to support you in your journey and become primary care giver for a few years, then why not do this?

Hi OP,

My mum retrained (night school while working PT) for 2 years while me & my sibling were in the last 2 years of primary, my dad was very present & worked shift work.

I remember that time being a bit fraught (tempers fraying, both being quite tired) and there was definitely an adjustment in accepting that mum just wasn't so available anymore, but she was by no means absent.

She has (later) expressed guilt about taking that time out & going back to FT work, but I think & have told her, that it's the best thing she could have done, both for herself & for us. She showed us that women do have "proper" jobs, "mum" is not a full stop, retraining is possible even when tricky, and that change is possible at any time in life. And she went on to work FT for 17 years in a field that she enjoyed, and obviously the family felt the emotional & financial benefits of that.

I say "go for it!".

Go for it . 2 years will absolutely fly by.

If this was a man asking…well let’s be honest, a man wouldn’t ask! Many MANY men work away from home. Which is essentially what you’d be doing.

Also, you’re NOT moving away from them for two years, you’ll be living away from your main home very part time.

Go for it! And good luck 🤞

Wow! You'd up and leave your children 4 or 5 days a week? That blows my mind. My answer is no. Wait until they're older.

It’s not ‘negative’ to disagree that ‘the DC will be fine’ or ‘will be proud’.

Some posters have direct experience as DC or as a parent and it worked out well. Some of us found it negative. The risks primarily affect the DC.

Is your H an excellent parent who will prioritise parenting and domestic work?

Do you want to stay married to him? or is this part of a get out plan?

I'd say go for it! You'll regret it if you don't and maybe resent you DH and DCs if you don't. Two university years will go by in a flash and your qualification will alter your future and quality of life for the better. Kids are also ver adaptable.
Do it!