To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

We wouldn’t do it, we sometimes have to work away, but we have an agreement that its no more than two weeks per year and no more than four days at a time with our employers.

How will you continue to make you’re financial contribution to the home, while also renting elsewhere? Will you employ a cleaner etc, or do all of your household chores at the weekend?

OP isn’t talking about being away for months though, she’d be back Friday-Monday every week, and I assume for most/all of school holidays. In the week the kids will mostly be at school or asleep, and she could FaceTime lots. It’s a pretty different situation.

Do it. Your kids are old enough and you deserve to enjoy life as well. You existence is not only to care and do for others.

More than 3/4s of the time away, plus at least some weekend study, for 3/4s of two years.

Is there another way to do the learning? For example your employer sponsoring you somewhere a bit closer? Post grad / apprenticeship routes, depending on experience?

I would seriously consider it. In the grand scheme of things 2years is a relatively short period of time! But I don’t have children of that age or older to know how much they may need you at this stage of life!

Agree - a lot of the people saying how difficult it would be for the kids seem to be overlooking the negatives of living with a parent who is very unhappy.

My mother did that - one year only, more than 50 years ago. I was 12, an only child. Both my father and I had to learn a bit more about looking after ourselves and the house and each other, which was a good thing.

The better job she got after qualifying transformed all our lives for the better.

I didn't realise at the time how much of a struggle it must have been for her, but feel unqualified admiration for her doing it.

Ah yes. Compromise because you’re a mum, and miss an opportunity that may not present itself again. A great idea. OPs unhappiness and resentment at her situation could well lead to the breakdown of the marriage. That’ll be great for the kids won’t it ? I’m absolutely astounded at the negativity towards a woman doing something for herself and expecting her partner to pick up the slack. It’s something men automatically expect women to do when an opportunity for a ‘big job’ comes along. Why should women be any different ?

Just because it can be done, doesn't make it optimal, in my experience.

And I have done something very similar to the OP

It's the other way round, but my DC lives with my ex Mon-Fri during most of the school school holidays, as I work during the week and ex doesn't. I see DC at weekends.

Then DC spends school term weeks with me, weekends at my ex's.

It's fine, DC very happy.

In your scenario, DC will have much more stability, as they're staying in one home.

I really can't see a problem with it. You can video call each evening.

Like many kids I'm the product of a Forces background. If you have a secure and stable home life the kids will cope ok. I don't feel like I've been traumatised by my parent's absences, if anything it's made me more independent.

It's not like you'll be away for the entire year. Go for it!

Plenty of men work away Mon-Fri or even longer and that’s not seen as an issue. Do it.

Home Friday to Monday and school holidays.

my mum did this in 1981. She had started a 3 year course in England but my dad got his dream job in scotland half way through. So we all moved to Scotland and she stayed with friends in England Mon/Tue/Wed and came back up on Thursday evening. The difference was that my Dad viewed her course as very important and therefore was willing to make the sacrifices to make it work. He lived in scotland on his own for 4 months while Mum finished her 2nd year. It certainly didn't adversely affect us and I think set the standard for our adult relationships where the needs and wants of both partners were considered equally.

There are lots of ways to change things to try to be happier - the idea that ‘to be happy’ one needs to do a specific thing and that the only alternative is to be miserable isn’t logical.

Will you be able to drop all other friendship and personal activities so that the time you arrive home on Friday to the time you leave on Monday morning you are physically close to where the children are? Can you be home well before bedtime on Friday? Will you be immersed in books all weekend?

If the answers to those are yes, yes, no, no, then go for it. If not, I think the kids may be too young for what you need too do.

As an example, coming home after bedtime on Friday then disappearing to the hairdresser for two hours on Saturday morning would be a complete no, for me.

Good luck if you go for it!
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Why the assumption that OP is responsible for all of the household chores when she returns ? Does having a penis somehow exempt her DH from keeping up on them during the week ?

I wouldn’t do it, it’d be too much for me. It’s sad that you didn’t want kids and are still unhappy about it, I really hope they can’t sense that from you, it’s deeply unfair on them if they can. Missing out on their daily lives could change your relationship with them as teens - but then it may not, depends what sort of relationship you’d have with them.

Definitely do it, the time will pass by anyway, they will be very proud of you.

I think it depends on what life will be like with your dh having to cover all the slack. Will he be able to cover it all and work and the kids will they spend the whole week in wrap around or home alone with noone at home? Will it put your family in debt doing this?

For us, I would miss them and know they need me. My dh wouldn't do this either. But, we both wanted our kids and are happy to prioritise them whereas you sound resentful. I think it's a lot that you married and had kids so quickly and 2 of them, not just 1. And so close in age when you weren't bothered and seemingly still aren't bothered.

I think you need to consider if you dont do this would you leave them? Would doing this allow you to divorce and then provide a home?

Whilst I wouldn't do it, you are coming at a different angle and your children sound like maybe they could cope where mine could not.

You need to decide this based on your own circumstances.

OK then. that’s a good enough reason for OP to drop her plans and continue to martyr herself to her family.

@Rosscameasdoody I’m a poster who often encourages women to give high priority to their paid work and earning ability. And to criticise fathers.

I don’t think well of fathers who do this kind of thing either.

If OP was posting about her H proposing to study away, posts would be very different.

Do it.

There's no good time,

You have an offer of a job afterwards.

Two years will fly by.

You have a long working life left and the potential to earn more which will benefit everyone.

My oh retrained in his 40s with my blessing. He was at home. It might have been easier had he been away. He would have been more present at weekends.

My DC saw how hard my OH worked and I held everything together and worked. They were similar ages, one just going into hIgh school. They were fine, barely remember it now.

Do it.

My dad did a good few years where he was away Monday to friday. He came home Friday night with chocolate. It was absolutely fine. I would do it now before GCSE’s kick in so that you can be around to support them then.

Is there no PT option at all? It will take longer but you could work alongside it? Also would your work help to fund it?

Id do my hardest to make it work. You have made many sacrifices.