To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

Its term time only, for just two years, and potentially only 3 nights away a week. If you can afford it, factoring in the costs of accommodation and feeding yourself while away, then go for it! Make sure you spend plenty of time with your children on the days you are at home, and keep in contact with them while you're away (video calls, texts etc.) and make your future better.

My previous job had several people who lived in during the week because their commutes were too long, and they managed it ok with their families, was pretty common in the industry because the experts tend to be spread around the country but the areas to work are very limited.

In all the years my dh worked away no one ever suggested I need a cleaner.
How sexist. Her dh can clean, I’m sure op did when her dh was working away.

And. Just because you explain to them, doesn’t mean they have to just accept their mum doing this. The fact that other people or men do this is so irrelevant. It wasn’t done in the op’s home by either of them so explaining this to the kids mean F all.

Do it! It’s a short term pain for long term gain. Your kids will be fine!

Just to add, when I was doing this - over a quarter of a century ago now - there was no FaceTime or the like. Just old fashioned landline phone calls. We coped, but it is so much easier now.

A man would do it in a heartbeat

Aren’t masters usually one year full time and two part time?? Could you speak to tutors and ask if you could attend remotely? But either way, I agree , do it. You e been dutiful for a decade. Time for you to balance your own needs with theirs. Great example to set the kids, they’ll be absolutely fine. Ditch the guilt and be excited about it )easier said than done obvs!)

When will you actually be away, Sun to Thursday or something else? So how much of the week will you be home? Will it be normal uni timetable or a longer course. Will DH have to deal with massive out of school commitments for the kids or just a few normal things that could even be moved around?

I had a dad who travelled abroad for periods of time when I was small and it was hard on my mum but I think this is different. My dad was almost a stranger when not travelling, coming home after we were in bed most days so everything at home was on her all the time.

As long as you are doing your bit when home and able to spend time as a family it should be fine. You don’t want to start resenting your life or your husband which will have a negative impact at home. Your happiness and enthusiasm will hopefully have a positive impact. I think how it’s presented to the kids will also have an impact as well as how they see DH being about it. It’s a positive not a negative.

My mum left school by 16 and barely had any qualifications. She went back to school (luckily close by) in her mid 40’s while working and raising us. It gave her something for herself and we could see the positive impact on her. It would be very disappointing if your DH isn’t supportive or grumbles about it especially as he has travelled for work leaving you at home.

In another three years, both your children will be teenagers and will be becoming more independent which means wanting less of your company in most cases. In six short years, the eldest is quite likely to be leaving home. How will you feel then if you have passed up this opportunity?

DH and I had experience of a parent working away, him for much more of his childhood, and it was difficult.

I’m usually a poster encouraging women to prioritise paid work, but I don’t think it’s certain that ‘the DC will be fine’.

I think it’d give rise to a lot of negatives and risks for your DC, even if your H is a fantastic parent and would prioritise the DC over his work during the week. Which many fathers aren’t and don’t.

Also don’t think you’re ‘owed’ this for yourself due to your past decisions, which were entirely your choice.

Also disagree that fathers ‘would do it in a heartbeat’. A minority might, when they had alternative good work options, but that doesn’t make it OK.

If the only thing holding you up, the only option at this stage is to speak to your kids and do it in a way that allows them to be totally honest. The longer you consider it an appealing option, the more you'll reflect your excitement, even if you try to hide it, and the more likely your children will tell you what you want to hear rather than what they really think.

You then need to consider how it would impact you if they told you they'd be miserable. What other options are there to improve your life without doing this course? Why are you so miserable now if you already work for a company that provides the expertise you are so keen on?

OP the best career advice I was ever given was think like a man.
As long as your DH is onboard with doing Monday- Friday evenings then go for it.

I live in a part of the country where offshore rotations are the norm 3 weeks on 3 weeks off. Mostly men but some women. As long as there is agreement it does work.

OP says her DH worked away for weeks at a time and the kids took it in their stride. Why would you deny a woman who is clearly unhappy the opportunity to improve her lot ?

Presumably the same way single fathers cope with their DDs firsts )and single mothers do with their DSs firsts).

With the added bonus of the OP being there a good proportion of the time for in person chats, and available while away to Facetime

IME teens has been by far the most challenging stage of parenting (so far, hoping being parents of adult DC will be easier!). They may or may not tell you what’s going on with them.

I think it is unfair on your children personally. I am a career woman but spending so many nights away seems too much at their ages. I would wait until they are older.

Do it 100% !! You could be working for another 20-30 years make sure it’s something you enjoy!

My boyfriends parents had high flying careers in finance, his dad did a masters when he was a child so there was a couple of years he barely saw him as he worked 10-12 hour days then studied. Do you know how my boyfriend talks about this time in his life? With immense pride for his Dad, he is so proud of how much work his dad put in (with so little time to eat or sleep let alone anything else) and how successful his did became as a result.

Go for it. You get one life and it is fleeting. Men have been working away from their families for decades and no one blinks. The pernicious martyrdom of motherhood and women not leaving their children is utterly toxic.

My husband was in the military. A career that required months away at a time. So was I, but left before we had kids. Which of us got a hard time for living away during the week so I could keep a post-military career going, rather than relocate with him every couple of years?

OP says her DH worked away for weeks at a time.

As a child who’s mother was deeply unhappy with her life when I was a teenager, I say I wish that mother was happy and if that meant being away for a few years to grow, I would support that.

I was thinking this. Some courses need lots of labs or equivalent, and must be done in person. Others can be very flexible, especially at higher levels.

@Rosscameasdoody because there are big risks and downsides, primarily for the DC. OP likely has had and still has alternative ways of ‘improving her lot’ without studying away. We also can’t know whether the DC did take their father working away ‘in their stride’.

how would the logistics even work? Do you currently work full time?
what are your husbands hours?
I work part time, so if this were to happen in our household my partner would either have to change his working hours completely so he could be available for school drop offs and picks ups, or we’d have to find childcare from 7:30 am with school drop off and collection until 5:30 ish, increasing outgoings whilst we’ve already lost my income.
my partner works outside of the house, but would your husbands employers be ok with him providing the childcare whilst working? Or would he be in the same boat?

outside of the logistics and potential financial issues, I couldn’t be away from my children Monday - Friday. And I couldn’t ask them to be ok with it.

I couldn’t do it - leave them that is. I think definitely retrain. But how supportive is dh If you go will he make you feel guilty etc. Even at weekends you will have uni work to do. You also say you weren’t worried about having children and you hate where you live. Are you always pleasing him not yourself. So if you qualify will you be happy living in the place you don’t like? Does he hold you back in life generally?