To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

It’s only 2 years though and even then not a continuous absence of 104 weeks as uni term is 28 weeks with OP returning for weekends so she’s hardly ‘ditching’ them or going to miss the 10 and 12 year old continuing to grow up. Also she’ll be back FT well in advance of their GCSE years.

So now is actually the best time and OP is already in her late 40s so how much longer does she wait? DH who conveniently travelled away himself for his preferred work won’t agree to a move to allow whole family to be together for that time so he can now help do his bit as primary carer for the kids let’s not forget that he was desperate to have more so than OP.

@Youcannotbeseriou ignore those being overly dramatic about it all. You deserve to have a fulfilling career as well as DH and I hope you’re able to grasp this great opportunity.

You will regret it forever if you do not do it. you're not leaving them, you will see less of them 28 weeks of the year. Do it.

I think if your DH is onside and fully supportive then you should go for it. Presumably you think the DCs will cope well or you wouldn't even be contemplating it. Would DH agree in advance that if you or the DC were struggling with the separation, that he would move after all? Because that would be a better Plan B than dropping out of the course.

I agree. You'd still be at home a lot of the time.

However you and your husband have to be sure everything is organised at home, you have a cleaner for example.

100% do it! My dad used to work like this, only return on weekends and then he worked abroad and only return every 3 months. This lasted for over 10 years.

the hardest this was on was himself and my mom. Kids went on just fine, love both parents the same etc etc. you simply cannot keep going as you are now as it’ll just hurt your family unit further. You’ll set a good example to your children too.

all the best!

DO IT!!!

I was 12 when this exact opportunity arose for my mum - only it was years ago and in California.

My siblings were grown and gone so it was just Dad and me, but she fretted and tutted and worried and carried on until we had a family meeting.

We explained to Mum how she had spent our entire lives doing for us - and now this was an opportunity to do for her.

She had an enormous guilty conscience, but she did it!
And she finished and we threw a big party for her and we all lived happily ever after.

DO THIS FOR YOU.
Your little family will be fine.
Sending love from California ❤️

She must have chosen to give up her job though. Most women do not do this when they have children. I honestly don’t think this is relevant at all.

All that’s relevant is the practicalities and emotional reality of making it work now.

Sorry that was a reply to a poster citing the past sacrifice of her work as a reason OP should do this

I think your husband is really selfish in not agreeing to move the family for two years.

Agree. If this was the other way around he'd expect her to do it and everyone would call OP selfish and ovr dramatic if she didn't want to.

If she starts the course, she won''t be stopping the course, obviously. I'd say that isn't even Plan Z.

Go for it! It will be no different than when your husband worked away during the week really 🙂

No he wouldn't. Men work away all the time, no-one bats an eyelid and their partners are expected to keep the show on the road at home and make their career work around them, or not as is often the case.

OP as long as the household can afford the extra costs of weekday lodgings and the masters will lead to career development, go for it.

DH can manage DC and home while you're away and they're getting to the age where they can help with housework, cooking etc and take themselves places. Don't be batch cooking or cleaning at the weekend either, most men who work away don't.

I think I’d do it, but I’d want to schedule weekly activities with the kids and prioritise reconnection with them each week/weekend. Of course you’d have the holidays too, but weeks can fly by while kids change a lot and I’d worry about losing closeness if we weren’t reconnecting more frequently.

My parents both worked away/studied and we had and have quite poor relationships, but that’s more because they didn’t know/think to work at it. It is quite hard to slot back in with teens, who will seem a bit moody/rejecting when you’ve been with adults.

Men for it all the time. Without a second thought.

My husband worked away M-F for years. Our relationship and his relationship with our children is absolutely great.

It's such a short period of time! I would absolutely do it. What an amazing role model for your children, education and career development is important.

I would do it, and not make a huge deal with the kids. You'll be home at weekends, it's for a short finite amount of time. What a fabulous opportunity for you!

I think your husband is really selfish in not agreeing to move the family for two years.

I don't think it's selfish to not want to uproot a family for a 2 yr uni course.

I personally wouldn't want to be away from my dc at that age for such a long time but that's not to say it can't work.

What is the timetable like? Is it 9 - 5, five days a week or are their some days or half days without lectures/seminars/tutorials? Most Universities don't have scheduled teaching on a Wednesday afternoon, so maybe you could go home for the afternoon which would break the week up.

I think that you have made all the sacrifices career-wise to have children which your DH wanted more than you, so you aren't being selfish to want to take this opportunity to start a career that you would really love.

As she is the one who has lost her dream career, or at very least had it severely curtailed, because her husband was so desperate for children, I think this is something they should look at together.

It would be extremely selfish of him to have taken so much from her to get what he wanted and then refuse to put himself out in any way to support her following her dream.

She won't be away for months at a time. She'll be away a few nights a week during term time for two years.

I think you have underestimated your importance to your children. I would never ever do this to my children and I'm in the same position as you are (sahm, want to do a course 3 h away for 2 years). I have decided not to. Mine are 12 and 15 and def need my presence.

You may not have been bothered about having children, but you still chose to. I can't imagine doing this to them and sorry but I do think it is selfish.

I’m not sure why you gave up your career especially as you were an older mum with a more established career. You could’ve gone back to work after mat leave, which is what a lot of women do. 2 years is a long time to move away from your 10 and 12 year old children. I’d say the same if you were a man. Are your children girls? Remember the changes girls go through.

I don’t think your DH is selfish at all. In fact, I think he is very level headed about this. It seems he’s given you his blessing to go. If the uni term is only (?)28 weeks a year for two years, it’d be mad to uproot the whole family. The children would have to change schools, and then both move back mid high school for you to return to your job? That would be awful for them, I dare to say selfish. If you want to chase your dreams, fair enough, but don’t drag your kids into it.

I think your original plan of moving away is certainly the better one. However, my two children are 10 and 13, they absolutely need me more now than ever. I’d hate to be away from them. You’ve got to do you, but imho the kids should always come first until they are adults, and chasing employment ‘dresms’ isn’t putting them first.

Short term struggle for much longer term gain, go for it. As others have said, an academic year is short anyway generally with a month off over Christmas and again at Easter then a much longer break over summer.

I worked away this summer about 3 hours away as well, came home on a Friday and returned Sunday. It was only for 2 months but my DC are younger and youngest is ND. My DH really resented me for it but it was just such an amazing opportunity in my field, I couldn’t turn it down. He still digs at me over it whenever we bicker now but hoping he’ll get over himself in time (he had a lot of family support so wasn’t totally alone).