To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

It is really hard. I am 100% believer in women not sacrificing their careers. I am in a very different position, having children late (due to rubbish partners before my wonderful DH) so finding myself by default where I want to be in my career and happy to work part time now. Has its own issues though, as struggled to have DC (now have one amazing living child but may not be able to have a second much longed for one).

Does depend on the age of your children, but I would be hesitant to leave them during the week. I would say the same to a man too. Assume they are no older than 13 and teen years I believe can be tricky, with them needing support. Saying that, they are not the same as small children and you can video call. I would say it also depends on you DP, your financial situation, your support network and how your children are. Could you do the course part time, so you are are maybe only away one or max 2 nights a week? Also consider that we will mostly be working until our late 60s, so you do have quite a bit more time left in your career. Also, sure you would have considered this, but is there any portfolio option for the career your want, where you can put together the work you have done in the field and maybe some shorter courses to get where you want?

In your situation I would probably consider the course part time, but if it were full time personally I would wait for my children to be older (maybe 16 probably 18). It is so personal though and I think some families would be able to make it work well doing the full time option now.

Well, she would be attending uni 3 hours away, so she obviously wouldn’t be able to attend her current role, would she?

She said up to 5 days and it’s 3 hours travel time so would really only get one day a week with them

But men would do it without feeling guilty. Without judgement. All for putting kids first but being miserable isn't good for them either.

Not mine, my children’s dad’s own dad worked away and it had a huge impact on him. He refused higher wage to stay at home and be around for them. Also most men doing it is for financial gain for the whole family, it sounds like ops family are already well off

No, she said 4-5 days per week.

It varies a lot, but some Master's courses can be very flexible, as they trust you to get the work done. I've done a comparable course. I could have easily driven down Monday morning, back Wednesday night, and just written / researched at home for the rest of the week.

Why? She can leave early Monday morning and return on Friday evening.

Usually as they’ve traditionally been the breadwinners or sole earners

Gender stereotypes and expectations are not good for either sex.

I agree, you can get safe sims for kids (I’m with ee and saw them advertised)

do it. It’s an important thing for you and your career and it’s incredibly important to show your kids how a modern family set up works, with BOTH partners able to fulfil their responsibilities and potential

Maybe for you …

What will your job title be once you have completed the course, OP? Is the completion of an MA all that is required for that role or will there be other things to do?

Except a man wouldn’t even post. It’s completely normal and accepted that some men work away during the week.

In theory yes. What happens when OP needs that time for deadlines for her Masters? DH be needing a break copping double shift on home front yet OP be tired after studying all week too. Not that long until kids grown up and unfair to do this to them when they are entering their crucial and difficult years imho.

There’s been countless posts on here over the years from women saying their husband had been offered a job where he’d have to relocate during the week and that they didn’t want to uproot their families to facilitate the move. They’d point out that they’d be left to run the household by themselves while their partners were gone, and the comments were overwhelmingly in agreement that it was unfair/selfish/self-centered that he was even considering it.

OP is free to do whatever she wants, but she needs to factor in her husband and children’s opinions and feelings about her being gone 5 days out of 7. It’s a significant change, and unless everyone is onboard, it will cause resentment and emotional distance.

I'm assuming nothing, I'm asking, this the question marks.

Agest, for pointing out the risks, hilarious 😂

Well I am mid forties myself and am watching the struggles women in particular have in their 50s changing roles in industries they have years of experience in, let alone someone with a new qualification and less experience but hey pretend it doesn't exist and run with that. Very helpful for the OP.

Can you afford it? For you to not work, and to cover your accommodation and travel costs, and paid childcare if needed, for 2 years?
If you really want to do it, your H should facilitate it, like you have facilitated his career all this time. And encourage the kids to be proud of you too.
But be prepared for a lot of judgment, maybe even helpful local ladies muscling in on him while you're away.
If he's not supportive, it's not going to work. Then you'll have some decisions to make about whether your marriage is what you want long term.

I’m late 50s and see women being promoted and supported to move into roles they deserve. I appreciate what you’re saying but I’d never dissuade a woman from following her chosen career path based on her age or sex. Would you say the same to a man?

OP hasn’t said what her current role is. She may be able to do it remotely. We don’t know, but where there’s a will there’s a way!

People do full time masters and doctorates while holding down their other jobs and caring responsibilities. Full time doesn't mean 5 full days at the uni, it means 30 hours a week. There may only be one day a week at uni, 15 hours private study and one or two placements that could be done locally. Without getting the actual day to day requirements of the course we can't know what is and isn't possible. I thiink you should contact the provider and ask for further detail op. I bet it's very do-able. I am a bit surprised by the responses on this thread tbh but maybe people are imagining op living away from home 5 days a week, which i very much doubt would be the case.

i’m just going by the OP, which is uni 4/5 days a week.
Perhaps it’s remote and she doesn’t keep office hours, but if it’s not - I don’t see how she could keep up her current role and attend uni.

If OP decides to go ahead with this, I am sure she will also have the discipline to do the studying and work in the weekday evenings while she is away from home.

It is objectively not true that it won't be long until their kids are grown up. It will be nearly a decade before the youngest is 18, OP will be mid-50s. And the odds of her getting another offer at that point are substantially lower.
As for it being 'double shift', by 10 and 12, they should be starting to develop more independence, look after themselves.

I did a masters when my son was 2. It’s was hard work, but I’m glad I did it. I was fortunate that I could commute by train and do it part time. I don’t regret putting myself first.

you may find you could do an early start on a Monday and be home by Friday tea time, but please don’t under estimate how much time coursework will take you for this course, plus the dissertation at the end. I think your husband is being selfish to not consider a move closer to the university, even if ultimately it wasn’t something he could do, so he should at least ask the kids what they would prefer to do. In the scheme of things, now would be the ideal time before your eldest takes their options. Would be awful to find thru want to move with you once they start their gcse years.

Go for it.

they will adapt.

Because children want their mothers. It’s how nature intended it.