To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

I couldn't do it but that's not to say that you shouldn't. Do you really believe this is the answer to your unhappiness?

I do leave my children for weekends away, work etc and my dp is a very 50/50 hands on parent but this feels different. An active choice to live separately from your family. You will miss so much. It's a huge ask of your family and it sends a strong mess about where they are on your priority list. Do you think your marriage and relationship with your children and come through it in tact? Those are crucial ages where they change so much.

Are there no distance learning or online options?

Would you say the same if the father was asking?

A lot depends on what type of people your DC are, and how your DH is likely to cope. I would probably begin by having a family meeting to float the idea. Give the children the opportunity to voice how they feel about it and to ask any questions. Perhaps revisit it a week later, after it's had a chance to ruminate and they think of anything else they wanted to ask.

I'm not sure I could have done this, but I'm a real homebird, I'm not even too keen on going away on holiday! You sound really excited about this opportunity @Youcannotbeseriou, and if you can express that to your DC, maybe they will be able to focus on the positives (more quality time with Mum when you are home, more money for treats/holidays in the long run, a happier, more fulfilled Mum etc.) and hopefully get on board!

If your DC are really against it, you think it would be detrimental to them in a serious way, or you have valid concerns about your DH's inability to cope, then you could consider pushing it back until the youngest goes to uni.

Go.

That's not very relevant to the OP then, is it?

So probably not something they need to factor into their decision making.

BTW DD has ADHD, but has a lot of emotional intelligence. So I am not sure that it is an reason for not handling teen drama.

Go for IT OP you only live once and what a great role model for your kids, at any age you can have career satisfaction and life long learning. Also Dad did this before it's my turn now, and we support each other in the relationship, goals, parenting etc.

You'll be back before GCSEs and those crunch years too and you'll come back to the company you love but at a higher level.

This is really inspiring 👏🏻

She's had all of her twenties and some of her thirties "for her" with no responsibilities. Once you have kids your life gets a bit restricted for a while. This applies to both parents.

You don't have to. You can remain in your Victorian bubble where women have no rights and are the property of their husbands. OP wants something more than that.

Plus, doing a Master's degree isn't 'living like a man'. Don't you believe in education for women?

I don't think that OP resents the fact that her children exist. She probably does resent the fact that even though her DH was the one who really wanted children, she has been the one to sacrifice her career to care for the children.

Yes, there seems to be an awful lot of men who say they want children, as long as this doesn't include most aspects of looking after them such as night feeds, nappy changing, childcare or school pick ups and drop offs, sick days, etc etc etc.

I’m all for women having careers and work full time myself. But I wouldn’t do this. You’ll barely see your kids during the week at a time when actually they need you a lot and are emotionally intelligent enough to feel you have chosen this new path over your relationship with them. My children would be devastated if I did this. I understand you didn’t want the kids in the first place but you had them. So stay and parent them. Do the course in 7-8 years time. That’s my opinion.

I would go for it OP! It's a short time, you'd be home more than away especially with the long vacations and dh sounds fairly competent. Dc are at school most of the day and face timing is so easy nowadays.

Not completely the same but our NDN is a professor at the local university, but he and his family are from London. His wife and DCs are in London permanently (in 10 years we have only met them a handful of times when they’ve come up in the holidays) and he lives here Tues-Friday, getting here on a Tuesday evening and going back on a Friday afternoon. There are people that do it!

I had parents that worked away too, I absolutely didn't feel like this. In fact, if anything it taught me that it's ok to work hard and go get what you want from life.

You say three hours away? As a different tangent it's really not that far. For example if one of your children had an awards evening or something happens at home you could easily drive back spend the night at home and leave very early the next morning to still make it back in time for 9am lectures. So it wouldn't necessarily mean that you are away full days during the week in term time.

OP what does your husband actually think? You mention he won’t move, but what are his thoughts on you doing this specifically?

I am really torn here and truly nobody knows the right decision but you, and even then, perhaps you won’t know if it was right until after you’ve done it and can reflect.

People have many valid points about the dad, and I know we all want equality etc, but often the mother is the nurturing one, more so. That’s just how it is in reality. Dads who are very present still aren’t over the intricacies of school life or note really subtle shifts in their moods which could be due to X/Y/Z. As such, for me, the biggest thing are their ages. Entering secondary and a very complex stage of development. It’s harder for teenagers these days with social media pressures etc. Personally I would wish to be extremely present for that. I think anyway, easy for me to say theoretically.

Essentially you’re proposing the same set up as divorced parents in terms of how often you see them. Loads of children adapt. The difference if you technically aren’t divorcing so the children may feel a little abandoned maybe? I think you need to discuss their feelings and hear from them. They’re old enough to have considered thoughts - be prepared for it not being want you want to hear and if you would in essence go against it.

I am a career woman, I travel to the States every 2-3 months and can be back late from work on evenings. However I don’t think I could be away routinely for nights away during the week for two years.

I also think regardless of your DH husband to want kids initially and your reluctance initially, you ultimately had them. You can’t place resentment on kids for a decision YOU made. You weren’t bullied into your life, you should have considered your career when they were tiny and flexibility and establishing a baseline if ‘normal’ is easier. If you’ve always worked away they know no different - at 10 and 12 they do.

Is your marriage a happy one? Could this setup be the catalyst for a breakup? I wouldn’t wish to live apart from DH for this period of time. However in the event of a breakdown I would likely assume your DH would be considered the primary parent as he would live with them full time.

I was 11 when my dad worked away for a week during the week for a year. He came home weekends. My parents thought it best I finish year 7 where we lived and gave them chance to find a house in the new area. It was hard as I really missed him. I am however not traumatised from it and nor was I. My grandmother also went into a hospital and my mum moved to Scotland for 6 weeks to care for her when I was around 13. We saw her a few times as it is 6 hours away so much harder. That for me was far far harder even though a shorter period. I think perhaps as it was my mum and she was my primary caregiver.

good luck on whatever you decide.

Absolutely go for it. It’s a fabulous opportunity and the fact your current employer is supportive is amazing. Have the conversation with your children and husband. Have a look at the timetable and show the children how much time you’d be away. It’s just my daughter and me at home and often because of work I don’t actually see her for days. Your husband is there so I’m not seeing the issue. It’s not for every week of the year and there will be plenty of time you are home to spend quality time with everyone. The job satisfaction and extra money once qualified will surely offset any initial upset & guilt.
Good luck x

Might be "outdated" but pretty much spot on.

Sorry for his miserable spin on it but while you are studying for your masters I assume you will need to leave your part time job in the industry?

So after your masters ends if you are late 40s now you will be near or will be 50. Have you checked how easy it is to get into the industry at that age. Some industries do not favour older women, even more so if they are newly qualified.

Alternate perspective- my Dad worked away during the week for my entire childhood (until I was early 20's). I saw him on a Saturday and Sunday only.

I love my Dad, we have a lovely relationship, we have been on holiday (just the two of us) before, we chat, we enjoy each others company.

I have no I'll feelings towards his work setup as it allowed us to have a lovely life and I understood what was going on and why.

I wouldn't hesitate to do what you're suggesting- it's temporary, it's term time weekdays only and honestly I say you should go for it!

I know 2 women who’ve don’t this and it was all absolutely fine. If it was a a man doing this, no one would think anything of it. The PP who talked about her parents working away for months at a time is describing a completely different scenario. This would be a mid-week absence for half of the year for 2 years. Do it OP! Don’t feel guilty. You’ll be setting a great example to your children as they go into their GCSE years.

Of course go for it. You will work it out. You are not going to be away the whole time. Probably part of the course can be done from home and part in placement which you might be able to get nearer home. No one will be keen at first but everyone will adapt.

Why are you assuming that? I have a friend who worked throughout her Master’s. The company she worked for were supportive throughout. What’s to say OPs wouldn’t be the same? Also… what a load of ageist rubbish! You do know age is a protected characteristic? As most of us will be working until we’re almost 70, OP has another 20 years of working ahead of her! She’s got plenty of time to get the career she wants. So much ageist and sexist nonsense on this thread. Go for it OP.

Yes, absolutely! I know my partner wouldn't want to be away from him his children like that.

I’m on fence tbh, you will be around for school term start, you can come back for reading weeks, in plenty of time for Christmas prep etc. University timetables normally require few hours in lectures, sporadic in timing, which could enable you to go to parents evenings etc. Summer ends early, should mean that you can attend sports days and school year ending events.

However will you go back every weekend? Are you going to really benefit from the qualifications? Some masters don’t actually do much for the work place. They hat assurances are you going to give your DH and DC that you are not going to leave again? Are you going wanting to run away?