Page 16 | To leave DH and kids to do this

Youcannotbeseriou · 2025-10-10T22:56:25+00:00

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me. However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career. Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait. DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again. yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them. yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

BeavisMcTavish · 11/10/2025 17:42

This is sensational.. reverse the roles, the bloke goes off and relinquishes all responsibility. 😂 I’ve no words.

whos paying for your second home whilast you’re not working, let alone your first home?

Bottom line is you’ll have zero relationship with your kids and they’ll remember. Don’t say you’ll make up for it at the weekend as they’ll be out with their friends at the weekend.

if you want to leave the family, then leave, but don’t pretend this is anything other than about you.

BeavisMcTavish · 11/10/2025 17:43

MumOf4totstoteens · 11/10/2025 16:47

Ooh this is an interesting one! My advice is to do it because you will regret it and resent you husband and kids if you don’t! However, realistically, would they cope? Would your children feel traumatised or abandoned? Men work away all the time! No one bats an eye lid so this is the same thing IMO. I hope you manage to do it. Good luck!

They work away, earning money for the family being put up at someone else’s cost, away from their family contributing to the household.

this is running away from the family because she resents they exist.

Tryingatleast · 11/10/2025 17:44

Plenty of men live close to work mid week, some travel/ work away for weeks or months at a time. No reason a mum shouldn't be able to do something similar.

I always feel bad for kids who don’t have their parents for so much of a week. Just because some people do it doesn’t mean it should be done. And age doesn’t matter- kids can adapt to someone being away, doesn’t mean they should. I think you need to figure out how I be away for shorter blacks somehow

Whoknowshere · 11/10/2025 17:49

Loads of husbands are away for work a lot, many kids are sent to boarding school at 11, so I don’t see the issue really. They would still better than sent boarding as they stay in their house and with their dad, you are still there weekends and holidays. You are setting a great role model example of hard work and ambition. Go for it!!!

fireandlightening · 11/10/2025 17:52

BeavisMcTavish · 11/10/2025 17:42

This is sensational.. reverse the roles, the bloke goes off and relinquishes all responsibility. 😂 I’ve no words.

whos paying for your second home whilast you’re not working, let alone your first home?

Bottom line is you’ll have zero relationship with your kids and they’ll remember. Don’t say you’ll make up for it at the weekend as they’ll be out with their friends at the weekend.

if you want to leave the family, then leave, but don’t pretend this is anything other than about you.

Wow! She isn't talking about relinquishing all responsibility or abandoning her children but about making a joint decision with her partner that finally allows her to have 'her turn' to pursue something that would make her happier professionally and as a person. Women have been told far too often, sadly by other women, that their decisions are 'selfish' and that once they have kids they have to turn into martyrs for the cause. This is not healthy for them, their relationships or their children!

Xmasbaby11 · 11/10/2025 17:57

Only you know your family and how they would be without you. I'm 49, my dc are 11 and 13, and they would absolutely hate me to be away days at a time every week. I wouldn't want to be away from DH either but that's less of a consideration. Although it's not every week of the year, it's still multiple weeks on the trot, and you will also bringing study home. It would be too big a sacrifice for me and I wouldn't consider it.

I am doing a part time distance MA on top of work, so studying from home and not always available for the dc - this has been hard enough for DH and the kids. I know children vary though and maybe mine are particularly demanding but there is always something to deal with as a parent, and it's very hard to stay close to them when you are physically far away. Just my experience with my family, of course. Some friends with kids similar ages find theirs very independent and drama free!

Are there any other routes to a better career that are less disruptive?

whimsicallyprickly · 11/10/2025 17:59

thepariscrimefiles · 11/10/2025 08:39

Your mind must be easily blown. There are countless posts on here about men who leave their families for another woman and hardly ever see their children. Even the dads that don't completely abandon their former families often only see them at weekends. There are also loads of men who work away from home during the week.

It's massive double standards to guilt trip OP who, despite not being the one who was desparate to have children, still had to be the one who sacrificed her career to look after the children. Her DH has previously worked away from home and the kids were fine. They should be fine if OP does this. University vacations are long so she will still spend a lot of time with her children.

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It also blows my mind that as a woman I might want to be like/live like a man

I dont want to. I never have wanted to. I never will want to

MyrtleLion · 11/10/2025 18:00

Youcannotbeseriou · 11/10/2025 00:36

Yup- that wouldn’t be a problem. I think it’s more the guilt of being away mid week that I’m struggling with. Logistically, we will work it out like we did when he used to work away during the week…

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Better to feel guilty than tomfeel resentment because you weren't allowed to do it by your family or your misplaced sense of obligation.

We regret the things we didn't do, not the things we did.

Baital · 11/10/2025 18:20

Imdunfer · 11/10/2025 17:37

I've thought of a test you can give yourself, OP.

Let's say one of your children is a girl. How will you feel if she only has her Dad to help her through starting her first period?

If you're all OK with that as a family and you won't kick yourself for missing a landmark moment in her life, then fine. If not, then you have your answer.

And if the OP doesn't go, her DD may start her first period at school and be helped by a teacher. And speak to her mum after school - which she will still be able to do if the OP is away. There are these things called telephones these days, you can even see each other as well as speak to each other!

What a weird reason to give for not taking the opportunity.

Littlemissbubbblles · 11/10/2025 18:25

@Youcannotbeseriou
My kids are 24, 22 and 20 now. I didn’t do it. It’s my biggest regret in life. I love my kids, my family…. But I resent that they took ‘me ‘ away.
What you’re doing is only short weeks, short terms, only for two years.
Absolutely go for it…… It will ultimately benefit all of you.
Theres nothing worse than seeing adult kids feeling guilty, and adjusting their lives, for the sacrifices their parents made for them.
Parents are not martyrs, we deserve to lead our own lives and be happy too……

euff · 11/10/2025 18:26

How many of us are conveniently with our mums when we start our periods? I wasn’t. I was prepared though because we talked about it. DH will go and get Dd chocolate, fill her hot water bottle and buy her sanitary products without batting an eye. She has no problem talking to him about it either.

Scotsmum1982 · 11/10/2025 18:32

I haven’t read all the comments, I got a few pages in and wanted to comment.

From a different perspective, I co-parent my 3 children who are now 13, 12 and 6. We alternate weeks on a 4/3 overnight basis. My kids have been doing this for 3 years now and adapted well. When they are with their dad, they can message or call if and when needed. Is this so different to what you are proposing? My children adapted quickly and have no issue with this way. Yours would only be temporary and Uni have breaks over the important holidays. As long as you don’t miss birthdays I think it can work for the 2 year period. All I would say is I hope on the weekends at home you aren’t playing catch up with cleaning, cooking or washing. Those days are for quality time with your family.

good luck

AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere · 11/10/2025 18:36

Do it.
Men do it plenty (my recent ex has been in the military the entire time we have had kids) only back on weekends and leave and unis get more holidays than the military!
I started a degree 6months before I turned 40 and ummmed and ahhed, but in 9 months I'll be done and the 5yrs has flown! There are still a lot of working years left for both of us, go for the job you love!!

BuildbyNumbere · 11/10/2025 18:38

YRGAM · 11/10/2025 17:07

They wouldn't, but as a rule fathers have a different kind of relationship with their children than mothers do. Whether that's fair or right us another matter, but if the OP decides to do this she needs to be prepared for her children to start seeing her in a different way and not have the kind of extra-close relationship that she might have had with them up to now, where she is their first port of call for the big emotions.

If she's fine with that then happy days, but posters talking about how men do it so women can too are not considering the fact fathers that are absent for work for long periods don't have the kind of relationship with their children that most mothers imagine themselves having. OP has to be prepared for this to happen if she accepts this place

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That is a massive generalisation and a pretty outdated view point.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 11/10/2025 19:32

5128gap · 11/10/2025 08:18

My only concern would be that I would start to get very into the freedom, independence and stimulation I got in the week, and would gradually start to spend more time in that world than home. The odd Friday social thing you don't want to miss. The weekends when it seems easier to stay put and work without distraction etc. I think it calls for a lot of self discipline and a strong commitment to keep showing up for family life. Especially when you see how well they cope in the week.

This!

If you're already feeling trapped and restricted the freedom you'd experience would make your home life feel even more like drudgery.

Grumble1 · 11/10/2025 20:46

TinyTeachr · 11/10/2025 09:10

I dont think ypu can answer this without a lot of thought.

Perhaps you didn't want children. But you have them and you have a responsibility to them, just as their father does.

This could work just fine. Or it might not. I've taught pupils that have parents (mothers or fathers, but mostly fathers) who work away during the week. Some are totally OK with it, some are not.

The ones that are ok:
Have other support e.g. family that help out or paid nannies. This means the kids don't miss out on extra curricular activities etc and still have someone to support homework when needed.
Live in an area with at least some public transport. Again, this helps with activities and socialising.
Are themselves quite busy during the week and have weekends as downtime, so they still get plenty of time with the parent and don't feel their lack during the week.
The parent makes an effort to keep up with news during the week rather than being totally switched off e.g. phones so they can listen/chip in to parents evening, makes it back for concerts as often as possible etc. Basically not making the child feel like a lower priority than work all the time.

So think carefully about your particular circumstances. Would the logistical and financial cost to your children be OK or too much? What support will be in place? How will you keep up with the progress at school, friendship issues etc.

I think too much is being made of the OP saying she wasn’t that bothered about having children. Not everyone has a visceral longing for babies. It doesn’t mean they will love their children any less once they’re born.I know two different women who have admitted to me they probably wouldn’t have had children if their DHs hadn’t wanted them. Both love their children and are good mothers.

edit: fixed a typo.

JillMW · 11/10/2025 20:49

I taught in a University on professional programmes. Lots of people do this! A three hour drive and staying away three/4 nights a week is normal for many families. I would not have thought of it as you leaving them. Do you feel your marriage is over if you do this? It does not need to be.

SharpLilacPeer · 11/10/2025 20:56

Another 'child of', here. I felt really abandoned in my teens when my mum did something similar. She started when I was 12.

I'm not saying don't do it, but please dont kid yourself into thinking that your children aren't going to be affected just because they aren't little. I actually needed her a lot more in my teen years than in other stages. It's when you start needing your mum's advice, rather than just your dinner sorting and your clothes washed.

Also DH needs to be 100% on the ball about domestic duties, because you can't be picking up the slack on the weekends. My mum was incredibly distracted when she was home, which made me feel like I was in the way all the time. Didn't help that she was quite vocal about the whole "I sacrificed to have children" thing!

Theslummymummy · 11/10/2025 21:29

No, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't want to affect their childhood to that extent. You chose to have the kids, regardless of who pushed for them. I'd wait till they are of college/uni age. And I would and have said the exact same thing to dads.

LaChouette · 11/10/2025 22:25

whimsicallyprickly · 11/10/2025 17:59

It also blows my mind that as a woman I might want to be like/live like a man

I dont want to. I never have wanted to. I never will want to

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Why is having a career, following a calling 'living like a man'? Why do you think that only men should follow their dreams? Why shouldn't women have ambitions of their own?

Summertimesadnessishere · 11/10/2025 22:39

In the grand scheme of your life with kids 2 years isn’t a long time and you will have about 3 months home in summer and long Christmas and Easter break. Your kids are only 6/8 years away from being adults and going to uni themselves. Where will you be then if you don’t do the course? Regretting not having the career you could have had. They won’t be with you forever you know but your career and education will stay and you will have something after they leave and girlfriends and mates are more important .

Also timetable wise you might get lucky. Find out if any of it is online or what % you can watch the recording of the lecture as some are recorded anyway. No uni course is 9-5 Monday to Friday. You need to find out how many contact hours and then overall study hours.

Weird also you can’t do the course at a more local university. But you haven’t mentioned what it is so assuming 3 hours away is only possibility

FrauPaige · 11/10/2025 22:57

BoredZelda · 11/10/2025 15:13

I don’t believe a man doing something that will improve his career but short term means less time with his family, is him behaving poorly. If the correct support network is there for the children, that’s what matters. There are all sorts of careers when men and women see their family less for a variety of reasons, we don’t suggest only childless people should do them. This isn’t about whether the OP should do it alone, it’s about whether as a family it is do-able. And with children that age, it should be.

If the kids are in a position where they need their mum and not their dad, then it’s about time they all learned that dad is there for them too.

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I don't disagree with anything you have written. That is why both my husband and I have worked away from home for periods of time.

Perhaps read the whole conversation before launching in next time

TheresGoingToBeAMoidur · 11/10/2025 23:12

Scotsmum1982 · 11/10/2025 18:32

I haven’t read all the comments, I got a few pages in and wanted to comment.

From a different perspective, I co-parent my 3 children who are now 13, 12 and 6. We alternate weeks on a 4/3 overnight basis. My kids have been doing this for 3 years now and adapted well. When they are with their dad, they can message or call if and when needed. Is this so different to what you are proposing? My children adapted quickly and have no issue with this way. Yours would only be temporary and Uni have breaks over the important holidays. As long as you don’t miss birthdays I think it can work for the 2 year period. All I would say is I hope on the weekends at home you aren’t playing catch up with cleaning, cooking or washing. Those days are for quality time with your family.

good luck

Similar set up here, but with one week on one week off. My DC have 2 parents who love abd support them, and we're only a phone call/WA away on the week when they're not with us.

I think it's worth a try, OP.

Emmz1510 · 11/10/2025 23:21

I dont think I could spend that much time away from my DD and she is 11. That’s just my personal feeling, doesn’t mean you’d be wrong for wanting to go, if you feel you could make it work and still maintain a close relationship with your children.
You sound like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about becoming a parent when you were a bit ambivalent about it. Presumably no one forced you to have them. You need to make peace with that decision and stop carrying that resentment around with you.

Hankunamatata · 11/10/2025 23:58

Baital · 11/10/2025 12:34

DH is an equal parent, surely? Why wouldn't he be able to provide emotional support?

I am sorry if you have had to parent with someone inadequately equipped to be a good parent.

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Er thanks for the sympathy. My partner has adhd so no they aren't always able to cope with teen drama in the most productive way. Thats why we parent together as a team