To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

Can you do the conversion course remotely? After the course will you be fully qualified to do the job or is there more training?

Ooh this is an interesting one! My advice is to do it because you will regret it and resent you husband and kids if you don’t! However, realistically, would they cope? Would your children feel traumatised or abandoned? Men work away all the time! No one bats an eye lid so this is the same thing IMO. I hope you manage to do it. Good luck!

It’s a bit late to be doing this in terms of career isn’t it? You’ll onky have a few years of working it before thinking about retirement plans. I wouldn’t bother at your age.

Sorry i should have been more clear i meant stay there mon-fri returning home at weekends

My DC are similar age to yours - they would be devastated if I worked away from home Monday to Friday (potentially Sunday to Friday). In other words my absence would do damage to their emotional wellbeing now and well into the future.

You seem to be justifying this potential move based on the fact that you weren’t bothered about having kids to begin with but DH was.

If there isn’t a work-around, such as moving even a hour from a train or Uni, your children have to come first.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that these offers are a chance of fulfilment - contentment comes in different ways. Happiness can be found in different places.

By all means make your husband aware that you are feeling resentment but make sure your children don’t feel it or they will notice the upset in the home.

Why not wait until kids are grown? When I was at Uni we had a couple women in their 40s. Neither of their marriages lasted the course. The experience changed them as you’d expect. Could be hard for you and them to go back to FT together. If so be a gradual demise. You say you’re unhappy but what if you are happy but your family are miserable? Self actualisation is great and each to their own but you already love what you do and don’t have that long to wait until kids pass their exams.

Speaking as mum of 2 ds’s

I think it’s actually a good thing for kids to see a sort of reversal of traditional gender roles

I’m better educated than DH, and earn significantly more. Yes, I take time off if the kids are sick, but so does DH. I WFH, they hear me in meetings, they see what I produce. The next generation need to grow up with that being normalised as far as possible - it’s another way of reducing inequality

Go for it - if it was your DH who had the opportunity then presumably you’d be in favour. So you need to do the same for yourself

You can do it, and there would definitely be some positives, but it will have a permanent effect on your relationship with your children. There's no way around that

Is there not an option to do this online?

But if a dad did this no one would bat an eyelid.

Of course it matters if the kids don't like it.

Well at least their feelings would matter to most anyway.

That doesn't mean she automatically shouldn't go, but their feelings definitely do matter and should be talked out.

When I was a young child my dad worked away a lot. That was fine. My mum went back to work when I was 7 or 8, sometimes working shifts. That was all fine. When I was early teens Mum did a university course in a different city and was away Monday morning till Friday afternoon. That was fine too.

I think we (my siblings and I and our Dad) all became more independent. It was really good to see my Mum doing her own thing and furthering her career. This was in the 70s so not at all common then.

My mother did something similar (a shorter time period but in another country) when I was around 12 and it wasn’t easy at the time (no computers, let alone FaceTime) but as young adults onwards my siblings and I loved that our mother had a very fulfilling career as a result and we remained very close to both our parents. (I still think my parents were both great role models.)

They wouldn't, but as a rule fathers have a different kind of relationship with their children than mothers do. Whether that's fair or right us another matter, but if the OP decides to do this she needs to be prepared for her children to start seeing her in a different way and not have the kind of extra-close relationship that she might have had with them up to now, where she is their first port of call for the big emotions.

If she's fine with that then happy days, but posters talking about how men do it so women can too are not considering the fact fathers that are absent for work for long periods don't have the kind of relationship with their children that most mothers imagine themselves having. OP has to be prepared for this to happen if she accepts this place

You will be back every weekend with very long holidays. I am a mum and like you I know I would also feel guilty but we shouldn't and you shouldn't and I don't know why we would. As your children get older they won't even want to spend much time with you in the week day evenings, that's the reality. You can facetime every evening, this is totally doable. I bet if you explain it to your children they will understand and really not mind. I say do it O.P! I am also interested in what the job is but understand if you don't want to say. Good luck ❤️

So sad to see comments that perpetuate a stereotyped view of the role of a mother. These are not tiny breastfed babies. These are children over the age of 10 who can be equally loved cared for and nurtured by mother and father.

Go for it ! It's only two year ... it will fly by. Good luck.

My dad did it for 2 years, 3 hours drive, when we were 4,8 and 10.
it was great for him and long term good for us as a family.
go for your dream!

Do it! Don't set yourself up for regret and resentment down the line. The kids will have their dad with them during the week, and a happier more fulfilled mother in general. They will also get to see their mother pursuing her dream, and will realize that while they are hugely important to their parents, their parents also have a life and aspirations. I would suggest though that if do decided to do it, don't feel guilty - enjoy the course and your children when you have time with them. Good luck!

Why didn’t he leave his job and raise them if he was so desperate for kids?

Go for it.

If it was a man, they wouldn't ask outsiders, or possibly even spouses.

not sure where you get just 1 day at home from!

The university year is 6 months. You are only away in the week and technology makes calls easy now. It will be hard but it’s time for you. Please do it. most men wouldn’t think twice and lots of people do it for various reasons!

My opinion probably won’t be popular.

I believe that when you have your DC you commit to doing what is best for them until they are old enough to go it alone in the big wide world.
At 10 & 12 they are entering unsettling enough times for themselves as it is.
Including school/friendship changes and definitely big hormonal changes.

As wonderful as dads can be, most (we could argue) are not equipped to deal with these issues alone.
Mums are generally the glue that holds everything together.
(I appreciate not all families have 2 parents to do this, but we are talking about yours here).

It’s the 5 days a week being away and then there’ll be study necessary at weekends and school holidays too.
How do you think your DC and DH would cope?
2 years is a long time, how would your relationship overcome this?

Good luck in whatever decision you decide on.

I've thought of a test you can give yourself, OP.

Let's say one of your children is a girl. How will you feel if she only has her Dad to help her through starting her first period?

If you're all OK with that as a family and you won't kick yourself for missing a landmark moment in her life, then fine. If not, then you have your answer.