To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

Yes people go away for work, but OP isn’t going away for work, it’s to study.

I’m not saying it’s wrong at all, I think it sounds great. Definitely worth pursuing esp before GCSEs. I’m envious!

The pushback might be different though. My OH often works away 3-4 nights, and it’s hard (I work full time). I swallow a lot of my irritation because that’s how we pay the bills, have holidays etc. The minute he walks through the door I am ready to hand over the reins though esp when the kids were younger, even though the travelling was also tiring for him.

What I want to say to OP is to just be prepared for accusations of being selfish. I don’t think you are. She said DH is on board so that’s good. Sounds like she also has experience of being that person left at home while DH goes away.

And that is a decision every family makes to take account of their specific circumstances. Many, many jobs involve one parent being away from home for varying periods of time.

I used to live next door to a family where the father was a diver on an.oil rig, 10 days on, 10 days off. Good money so the mother was a SAHM, when the father was home he prioritised his children, school run, after school activities etc. They had a supportive family network nearby. Lovely kids, very much loved and not disadvantaged.

Forces families have a parent (still usually the father) away for several.months at a time. The frequent moves are generally more of an issue than one parent working away, as long as the resident parent has a good support network.

I think far better for the OP to travel to study, and keep her DC in their familiar home and school, than uproot them for 2 years while she studies.

The problem I see is that your husband won’t move.

You hate where you live and he still won’t move.

You are trying to find a solution but this isn’t it, because you will be away from your children which you don’t want.

Another solution will open up.

Go for it. It’s a great time whilst the children are younger.

If you wait until they have left home or gone to Uni, you will regret it. Sounds like their Dad is more than capable of looking after them for 10 weeks at a time from Monday morning to Friday evening. Do your assignments etc during the week and you have a full weekend with them, without any distractions.

It’s a good age to do it, as they will definitely need you around more when they get to GCSE age.

You may be a Mother and Wife, but that is not all you are.

Plan for your future - pension and earnings. What if you DH were to pass away suddenly or even leave. You may have a part time role, but the possibilities that this qualification opens up for you (and your children) could be life changing.

Please ignore the guilt tripping posters, who are wringing their hands together at the thought of a woman doing something to enhance her career and not wanting to be at home all the time, cleaning, baking and waiting on her kids and husband.

This exactly. There's a lot of double standards around parents being around for their kids; people usually actually mean 'mothers'.
You sound really unhappy at the moment, and that doesn't make for a happy family life. You'd be away a few days each week for about half of the year, with weekends and long blocks of time at home. At the end of it you'll be happier and more fulfilled. Your kids will benefit from that.
Go for it!

Sorry but YABU. Not fair on your kids to not be there most of the time, especially at their ages.

Loads of men work away in the week. DH travels for work regularly and I'm home with the kids. By doing this he is earning good money for the benefit of his family. So no people would not be up in arms. I think OPs idea is perfectly reasonable if the logistics work out. Also as pp said the academic year is short so it would fly by.

This

six hours driving a day???

Do it OP, you only get one life. Plenty of men work away from home and no one bats an eyelid.

It’s a shame you had kids when you weren’t that bothered OP. Still, if your DH is really supportive it could work you just being away for university terms.

Rent a house in the uni town for the duration of the course and rent yours out. Then the whole family can go, and be back in time for start of GCSEs.

Have you checked out how much of the course requires you to be on campus? Many university courses, especially postgraduates, have stayed online/hybrid since covid so you might find that you can be at home more than you think?

First off if your DH is supportive of you (and it is affordable) to get student accommodation midweek that is the best option.

i assume you own so selling or renting it out and you all moving with children that are at high school and final year of primary isn’t feasible so I think accepting that is necessary

This is your time op. Kids adapt, there are phones, they’ll be with their dad, and you’re only away during the week and during the semester. Do it, you’ll regret it hugely if you don’t.

I had a Dad that worked away. It would be totally different these days because we have instant connections, whether messages or facetiming. When my niece went to uni she would facetime my sister whilst she was cooking dinner, so she would chat about her day whilst preparing her meal, they often "ate together" although separated by miles, they were connected by phone.

Holidays wise, my child at uni gets 4 weeks off at Christmas, 5 weeks off for Easter and then was home June to end of September. Terms are 10 weeks, final term finished early as exams finish way before the official end of term.

It is 2 years, you will be back for the GCSE years and home every weekend anyway which is more than some separated parents see their children with every other weekend shit.

This is to improve your career prospects. I would absolutely support any friend doing this. Your children are old enough to understand you are a person, not just a Mum, that this would make you incredibly happy and they have their Dad who can parent them.

Do it.

I did a stint away from my family for career advancement. It has paid dividends professionally and financially but I am still rebuilding the relationship with my primary aged daughter. It was far from cost free.

My mother also lived apart from us for a period studying when I was at primary. I found it quite challenging as a child at the time but her becoming a doctor in such unusual circumstances (the GEM route did not exist at that time) became a model of grit, determination, and sheer bloody mindedness that my siblings and I all aspire to today.

My mother and I both had excellent, dedicated husbands with very broad shoulders that picked up the day to day with panache, along with understanding and helpful family, friends and neighbours.

It can work if the marriage is rock solid and you have a robust social network to help keep the children feeling engaged, valued, and having someone to talk to - especially important for preteen/teenage daughters.

There's never going to be a perfect time. There's always going to be a time when one child is starting a new school this year, or doing exams, or, or, or... I wouldn't choose to plan finishing a masters alongside a child doing GCSEs or A-levels, so now is probably better than waiting another couple of years.

It might be hard for the children to have one parent less available,but it's also hard living with a parent full of resentment and thwarted ambition. It would probably be good for them to see the other parent step up, and for them to see both parents with roles that aren't just about being a parent.

The children are old enough to talk about what is happening, and to express how they feel about it. The OP is the one who knows her children, how resilience they usually are, and how they're likely to feel.

Ultimately, all you can do is look at the likely financial situation including accommodation and travel there and back, any potential logistical issues with childcare (at one point in my early teens, I spent about a term going to a friend's house for tea after school every Tuesday, and then one of my parents picked us up after swimming club - i thought it was a great treat, but of course ultimately, it was how my parents were juggling having to be in 3 different places st the same time.) Any other possible ssues. And just see how you can make it work. Life isn't perfect, whichever way it goes in the end.

If your husband won't work with you at all to make it work, then I would seriously consider my future with him, unless he comes up with a really solid reason why it won't work.

Yes, you can do it OP. And with WhatsApp and video messaging etc you can stay in touch with your children much easier. U can get all tour work done while away and have focused time at home. You supported your husband, its your turn now x

It is actually the opposite now though isn’t it . We are encouraged to go back to our full time demanding careers to be able to pay for a roof over our head . Some women enjoy the nurturing role and see that as their purpose. I only ever went back part time after DS and still managed to have an independent, resilient DS 23.

What a really limiting way to live. Also pretty sad that your husband turned down such an opportunity that, presumably, he worked his arse off to be offered.

Why can't men have a purpose in a nurturing role?

The OP has said they don't feel fulfilled. Why shouldn't they have the opportunity to have a career?

I am glad you have had the life you wanted. The OP doesn't, and there seems to be an expectation that she needs to sacrifice her wishes in order to be available 24/7 for her children. Although that hasn't been the case for her DH, who has worked away from home.

A friend of mine did this years ago. She and her husband had emigrated to Canada but she wanted to complete her law qualification so came back to study ft. Her husband promised to bring the kids over and get a job back in UK but didn’t until year 3, the last year. It properly messed up her kids (then 5,7,9). Your situation is very different, you can be home at weekends and holidays. But you can’t do it unless your husband actively supports it, otherwise it is lumping a huge additional burden on him. And as my friend found out with her husband, he didn’t support the idea really (though at the start he was all for it).

That’s your opinion, it’s valid and I respect it but I don’t share it. We don’t all have to agree.

My personal view is that both parents should be present and engaged with their children while they’re still children. If that requires some sacrifice of personal ambition or income then so be it. It’s not forever.

I do understand that some parents don’t have the choice but we’re talking about choice here, not necessity.

The pink flags for me are that it's a "well funded course" bursaries, etc and that you seem convinced it will lead to a new career you are already on the periphery of... it sounds, as they say... "too good to be true" so I'd double check about employment prospects afterwards. I've seen an excellent HLTA go into teaching who then decided that full time teaching with a young family was not for her. I have a long standing friend that did masters for Counselling and Psychotherapy which, although stressful (mainly writing essays after not having written anything for many years) he enjoyed however, he admitted he underestimated how difficult securing enough paid work would be - he had to take on several different jobs - each with a limited number of paid hours (in addition to being required to work so many hours unpaid) as well as contracts, e.g. NHS, that didn't last long... it wasn't easy and continues not to be in spite of his efforts to do his own private work. I maintain a very skeptical eye when it comes to paying for education TBH - it's a business - you have your dreams - they want your money. I would double check why you are doing the course - I'm not saying don't do it - I would just advise a cold, clinical head decision - not a heart decision (the reason I haven't done a creative writing course!) - which is a statement that doesn't even appeal to me TBH and I speak as someone who gave up my well paid career to spend 12 important years to focus on my children to see them through the end of primary, through high school and into university - something I don't regret - but it has had consequences - I'm very lucky to have had that chance, that role in life and to be that present in my children's lives... as a dad. 2 years isn't long - it could bring an energy to all of your lives - although it's going to be tough on all of you in some ways and there will be pinch points - it's good to learn how to muddle through and fly through life by the seat of your pants. The strength of my marriage (and, to be fair, our own independent, positive, resourceful and spirited characters) was a big factor in the way we managed. Will your husband have any back up midweek? Nearby family or good friends?