To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

I would do it. In 6-8 years your children could be leaving home, you'll probably be too old to train and you'll be stuck in the unhappy/less than optimal place you're in now for good. The opportunity to change things for the better is now and your children will be ok. You'll be around a lot, uni holidays are long.

My Dad had to work away for 6months - a year twice when my sister and I were young. Once when we were about 6 and 8 and once when we were about 14 and 16. I missed him desperately both times but it had to happen due to a stretched out long distance move and local redundancy. We understood, coped and loved seeing him at the weekends.

My kids are 12 and up. Iv found they needed lots of soft parenting and emotional support with high school. Is dh able to offer this?

Do it! You can go up early Monday morning, and come back on Friday evening. If your kids are 10 and 12 I doubt they’ll be in bed at 9pm. And it is not actually all year, just the terms. You’ll be at home all weekends and holidays, which I bet you aren’t now.

Many many parents with long commutes leave the house before their kids get up and arrive home after their kids go to bed - certainly my dad did that for years. You are only doing it for two years then back home again.

This a thousand times!!!

DH is an equal parent, surely? Why wouldn't he be able to provide emotional support?

I am sorry if you have had to parent with someone inadequately equipped to be a good parent.

I think you should be looking at this from a family perspective rather than husband v wife. Perspective I would wait until the kids are at university. Even when children are teenagers they really need parental support. Whatever you do don’t ask the children if they are okay with it.

That would be much more disruptive for the children, taking them away from their schools and their friends and social hinterland. Life without mummy in the house on school days will be just fine.

How many men would hesitate? Its not an unusual situation and you won't be 'gone for 2 years'.

Go, and tell your DH he needs to step up for a while. The kids are old enough to cope!

Yes, they need parental support, and their father will be there to provide it every day. Their mother will also be there to provide it at weekends and all the university holidays.

No they shouldn’t. It’s fair less disruptive for the children to stay at home and have their mum away 3/4 nights a week than to have their whole lives uprooted.

@Youcannotbeseriou I think you should go for it.

She can still give parental support, there are telephones, video calling, text messages and she’ll be home every weekend. They also have a father who can give support.

Imagine for a moment that the situations were reversed and your DP was offered this same opportunity, to train for something he wanted, a training that would mean him being away from the home for two or three days a week during University terms. Would he hesitate? Would you support him? No and Yes are probably the answers to those questions.

But if she waits that long she will be nearly 60 then another two years befire she'd be qualified.

I think it would be better to do it now and then she will be back to support the oldest as they are starting their GCSE subjects.

That would be in the midst of the younger one's exam years, so if you're taking that attitude she'd have to wait at least 8 years, by which time she'd be mid to late fifties and there'd be little point.

Do it OP, you'll still be around for a significant chunk of each week, and all the holidays, your kids will adapt and your husband can take his turn shouldering the domestic load to allow you to progress your career, just like you did for him. I agree with him that moving doesn't make sense, given that you anticipate coming back to your existing employer, but you can make it work between you.

Is this a reverse of the other thread on here, where the wife is worried about the husband wanting to jack in what he does to restrain for something he has 'always wanted to do' leaving her the main earner etc for a nebulous number of years?

Very different tone of responses amusingly.

Bit of a different situation though, it's in a field she's already working in, her employer is enthusiastic about having her back in the new higher qualified role, and it's definitely only two years, it's a much less unpredictable decision. And she's already supported him to do what he wants for years, including the bulk of the parenting/domestics while he worked away. What's good for the goose and all that...

I wonder how many men who work away or are thinking about it would agonise over whether they had a robust social network to help keep the children feeling engaged, valued, and having someone to talk to, and how many would not even think about it and all that would fall to their wife/female partner.

How many men would hesitate?

But rather than saying men wouldn’t hesitate so women shouldn’t either, I think we ought to be arguing that men should hesitate.

Better career benefits everyone.
She is a person , your life and identity don’t end because you have kids.

Well yes because both need to be well thought out and planned not just one person claiming the other would be destroying their dreams.

here the DH has sensibly set out his parameters for it to work which is not moving and the OP spending part of the week away - something he is prepared to step up and facilitate during the werk

Do it. Your kids are old enough to understand and I’m guessing getting more independent so they don’t need you by their side constantly, it’s not like you’re going to be in another country, and terms are fairly short really. If you’re unhappy and continue to be then this will impact them more negatively than you being away for a couple of days a week for half of the year for a year or two.

I’ll guess it’s an NHS course so clinical placements will mean the academic year is a lot longer. However, once you’ve finished, am I right in thinking there will be a job waiting for you locally? In that case, I would have a family ‘conference’ and explain how things will work. Your dh has to be on board of course. Explain your reasons to him and give him time to come round. It’s doable-many people all over the world don’t see their children during the week-but it’s a sacrifice from all of you. However, if your lives would improve by the end, it could be worth it.

Dunno. Why? Is there a competition to behave as poorly as some men? You are welcome to pursue that dichotomous debate. My interest lies in the impacts on children.

If your DH is on board then I'd say go for it. Some PPs have said if it was a man you'd call him out for being selfish but I don't think many would. Lots of jobs/careers take people away from the home for days at a time on a regular basis also working for airlines, pilots and cabin crew who are often women so they are away from their families for days at a time on a regular basis and that's with no long school holiday breaks in between.

I don't think someone who works away from home and DCs has the monopoly on Mum (or Dad) guilt. Working long days with DCs in wrap around care and barely enough time in the day to bath them and put them to bed is tough too. But so many of us do it or have done it.

We shouldn't feel guilty about working to support our families whatever our chosen career might be.

Go for it OP.

I would, it’s only going to be 2x 9 months and long uni holidays plus reading weeks. Travel early Monday and home Friday.
I know a couple of people (men) who do this at work, stay near work 3-4 nights a week then weekends at home, nobody bats an eye when it’s a Dad doing it. Also plenty of kids of divorced parents see them both part time, some parents work away like on oil rigs, armed forces etc, you can make it work.
You can video call the kids every night.