To leave DH and kids to do this

[Youcannotbeseriou]

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

Yes, I grew up as a child in the RAF. When I was ten, my Dad was posted to a small island in the Indian Ocean for nine months, with a short visit home in the middle. My Mum was left at home with three kids, picked up driving again after not having done so for ten years, and we all got on with it. It wasn't absolutely ideal, but both my mother and I as the eldest child grew immeasurably in terms of independence, self sufficiency and resilience which stood us well in life. It was fine.

Meanwhile she will be 6 years older, which - while it shouldn’t be - the reality is, it is harder for women than men in a lot of industries as they get older… it’s fine if you work your way up but I’d say with starting something new, do it sooner rather than later!

And where does the dad fit?

Men work away during the week and no one cares. Lots of kids are in boarding school during the weekdays and don’t see their parents.

It's depressing to see how many people still consider parenting as basically the mother's responsibility

My dad worked away and it was fine.

Both my husband and I have worked away for long chunks of time due to the nature of our jobs, and they don't seem particularly disturbed by it. They have phones and can video call.

Absolutely go for it. You deserve to do something for you and if you dont, you will likely regret it. Your kids are of an age where your eldest is more interested in friends than hanging with parents and your youngest isn't far behind them. They will barely even notice you are gone (in a nice way). Now is a great time to put yourself first and do something for you. Also, plenty of parents work away during the week and come home at weekends, it's quite fairly normal and common. Plenty also are split and don't see their kids everyday. Go for it and enjoy every second!

Just to add, when your kids are adults, they will likely be happy you done something for yourself that was of benefit to you & to them.

Depends on the balance at home.
My husband has worked away for years and it suits us, worth saying though that he changed jobs as the two days downtime was hell and not sustainable. He got in my way as we got into a routine without him and it could have been the end of our marriage if it’d continued. He wanted those two days as downtime but the kids wanted to see him and he was out of habit of being around children so would be easily overwhelmed.

Lots of people work away from home and are home weekends, normally it's the male. I'd go for it. You will be in the same country and could travel back in the case of extreme urgency. Why put your dreams on hold or dismiss them? Go for it and your children will have a great role model for their dreams as well.

And the day a man gets a woman pregnant is the day he stops being able to suit himself, presumably? Or does it only apply to women, and men can still pursue career opportunities even if they are not there 24/7 for their children?

But this is the reality for many woman, yes it would be great if it wasn’t and Dads did everything mums can do but somehow many ( many) do not and we are just inserting some reality into her situation.
Yes he should step up but the real issue is will he? Only the op knows and the children are still young ( well not on mumsnet where every 10 year old is completely self sufficient and doesn’t need any parenting)

@Youcannotbeseriou there is still going to be one parent at home for stability .
You can FaceTime every night and will still be there for advice . Will you arrive home a firsts night and leave again Sunday night or Monday morning. ?

I couldn’t bring myself to do it as I beat musket up with mum guilts all the time .
However looking in it doesn’t seem bad at all .
Fab opportunity for you .

I'm not gonna talk about kids, money or logistics. Just that if you don't do this - or try to fo this - given how you feel, I think a whole lot more is at risk. Your whole family life, your mental health, your future. If you don't do this you'll breed resentment and likely end up leaving to do it later in more drastic situation. Everyone in the family gets to be happy. Not everyone except you.

Just a thought, but have you looked at whether the Open Uni has a comparable course/pathway that you could do from home? They do, for example, have psychology conversion courses and PG degrees that are BPS (British Psychological Society) recognised. Not sure what area you are looking to practice/train in, but it might be worth checking? Also the governing body for the profession you are hoping to move into may have alternative pathways on their website even if they take a little longer to complete (although I am sure you will have searched this already).

Just a thought, as it does seem very ‘drastic’ to have to leave the family home to achieve your dream.

Seems like a no-brainer to me. You should definitely do it. Just prioritise coming home in all available breaks/weekends and keep in touch with the kids. Brief (or not brief if they want) FaceTime calls are great.

There is never a “right” time to leave kids. They’re newborn, then toddler, then just about to start school, then just have started school, finishing primary school, transitioning to secondary, puberty, have to choose GCSEs, have to do GCSEs, A levels, then off to university and every single one of these will be absolutely too precious to miss and you will scar them for life.

So just do it. You can’t martyr yourself on the altar of childhood forever. Sometimes you need to do what’s also right for you. You aren’t abandoning them. You’ll be home weekends, breaks, maybe long weekends or midweek if the schedule allows. They have a father who’s there. They’ll be fine.

I’d say exactly the same if a man wanted to be away for four days a week. My DH turned down a brilliant and lucrative career opportunity because there was too much travel involved and so he bloody well should.

Then ask those questions.

Can you rely on your DH to prioritise your DC for 2 years?

Rather than assume he won't, and tell the OP she has to compensate for his inadequacies as a parent.

My grandfather looked after my DM for a year in the late 1940s while my grandmother (primary school age) was away doing teacher training (she had done the same while he trained). It was nothing big deal. There wasn't Facetime, and phone calls were expensive so there were weeks at a time when my grandmother was away and out of contact.

My grandfather was a decent guy and committed husband and father. The year passed quickly, and my DM was close to both her parents.

It applies to both parents equally.

I couldn’t do it but understand why you might want to. Are there OU options?

But the OP has already said her DH has had a job working away from home.

That sounds like a really limiting way to live. Turning down opportunities because of short-term discomfort doesn’t sound noble, it sounds small. Imagine how different life could’ve been if ambition wasn’t seen as a threat to family life.

I dont think its realistic to expect the whole family to upsticks and move for a course thats only 2 years long. Especially with the costs of moving.

Im also very intrigued to know where you live that there isn't a single further ed or higher ed college or uni within 3 hours drive that would enable you to do this course? You've said you dont like where you live, is part of this an attempt to move the family to somewhere you'd rather be?
Cant you do something like open university, or otherwise commute during the week. I dont think its fair to expect the whole family to move for a 2 year course.

But it was ok for her husband to work away from home???

Women are and can be so much more than just a wife and mother for goodness sake.

Please please do it. You have given up enough of your life. You won't be away for 2 years, just 5 days at a time.

Move and do it.

Take care to over work while you are away so that you are free to spend quality undivided time with your DH and children when you get home.

Two years will fly. Some of that time will be un.i holidays too.