Bedroom dilemma

[soniiaa]

Me and DP are moving in together and we don’t know how to sort out the bedrooms. It’s a 4 bed house.

I have -
DS11 (is with me 90% of the time)
DD18 (is at uni but stays with me 100% of the holidays)

DP has -
DS16 (with him every weekend and every school holiday)
DS19 (with him ad hoc - maybe once or twice a week)

DP would ideally like his kids to have their own rooms, but then so would I. Maybe this is unreasonable with DD being at uni? Would really appreciate peoples thoughts!

I think that might turn into the 19 yo really dominating that room and making it hard for the 18 yo to reclaim in the holidays.

This is the reality:

OP’s two have no other option as their dad has no overnight facilities, so them having their own rooms should be the priority and they can’t share anyway because they are different sexes.

DS19 and DS16 both have their own room at their mums’. DS16 is only there at weekends and during the school holidays so the room would be empty most of the time. DS19 is only home once or twice a week so his room would be empty most of the time too. So the logical solution is that DS16 and DS19 share because their presence will have the least impact on each other and they will each likely have the room to themselves most of the time. Why is that such a difficult concept ?

This. Better for DS16 and DS19 to share because they spend the least time at home and would have the least impact on each other.

FFS how is this relevant to OP ?

I can only think of 2 sensible options:

1. His two sons share the largest room, you and your partner get the second-largest, your son the next largest and your daughter the smallest
2. only your son (and you and your partner, obvs) gets their own room. And the other 2 rooms are be a pool of shared rooms to be used by whoever needs them. You could even make sure you rotate which one you put which child in when they come to stay, so they don't think of any of them as theirs.

(1) Is better if there's a realistic chance your daughter will move home after uni, (2) is otherwise

That's where the parents have to make the boundaries clear - the room doesn't "belong" to either of them. It's a spare room that can be used by either adult child depending on need.

I would have thought if anything DD18 would be more likely to dominate it, since they will have it for weeks at a time and won't ever have to sleep elsewhere, whereas DS19 will have to be shuffled around.

They’ve been making those sacrifices for going on seven years. If four children into three bedrooms is what’s necessary for them to be together then thats what happens. You have a situation here where the two eldest boys have their own rooms elsewhere and are only with OP for a couple of days a week. Giving them the biggest room to share is the obvious solution - it has the least impact on their privacy as they are likely not even going to be there on the same days given that DS16 is only there at weekends and school holidays. Having two rooms standing empty when space is at a premium is ridiculous.

Uni holidays add up to around five months per year, so your DD will be around quite a bit. She's also the only girl, so she definitely needs her own room. I'd say your DS11 needs his own room too, as he's with you so much. The remaining room should ostensibly belong to DSS16, but with the condition that DSS19 sleeps there too when he's around. They're both a similar age/stage and are related, so it should be ok, but perhaps let them have the largest room to make it fair!

They've already found a house, which presumably is the one most suitable for their needs within their budget.

What I don't understand is that her partner has presumably been involved in the house hunting process and OK'ed the one they have chosen, knows that there are only four bedrooms, acknowledges that the OP's DD cannot share with a boy and needs her own room, and yet is still saying that his sons can't share as if there is an alternative.

The maths just ain't mathing.

If he is adamant that his sons cannot share even occasionally, he cannot move in to this four bedroom house with the OP.

Sofa bed in lounge for the DSS who appears on an "ad hoc" basis. If he turns up when other DSS is not there, he can have that room. OR, trundle bed in one room and first DSS to arrive gets the bed, the other one sleeps on trundle.

If have his 2 ds sharing just because they're both boys and of a similar age.

Largest room - you and DP
2nd largest - DS11
3rd largest - DS16 and DS19
4th largest (potentially a box room) - DD18

It seems so odd to me that two boys (even brothers) would share during all of the weeks that the dd is at university. Why on earth couldn't he just use the room then?

That’s not when people have suggested at all.

While dd is at uni the guest room can be used by the 19 year old ds. When they are both back then ds shares with younger brother and dd takes the guest room.

Very well said.

@thewalrus3 plenty of people have suggested it, including the post immediately before my last

You can't have two "main" homes. If you have two homes and spend 50% of your time in each one, you have two homes and neither is your "main" home.

If you have two homes and spend most of your time in one of them, the one you spend most of your time in is your "main" home.

I totally agree, but according to MN, anywhere that a stepchild/member of a blended family ever sleeps, not matter how infrequently, has to be a 'main home', even if this results in numerous main homes.

The 19 year old doesn't need his own bedroom in each of his two homes, particularly if he has his own bedroom in his main home, where he spends 6 nights per week.

Quite. But a lot of people will disagree.

He could also, at his age, be renting a place of his own. Would he still need a permanent bedroom in each of his parents' homes then?

Yes, according to MN, each parent should keep a shrine to him, til he's at least 53. No wonder there's a housing crisis. Completely different arrangements apply in 'together' families though. We love a double-standard round here :)

I don’t know the personalities involved, of course, but I could see a 19 yo boy being very dominating of the space/ refusing to move out when dd18 is there, much more than I could imagine a girl/ young woman behaving in this way.

She doesn’t want to come home to a room that’s been a boy cave whilst she’s been away.

But I guess as long as the parents are firm and make sure that his stuff is out of there/ everything is clean and doesn’t smell of boy when she comes back it might just work.

I wouldn’t be opening that can of worms though.

It’s really not, nor are her other unhinged, ranting posts in which she pretends to know more about the OPs situation than she does. But if that kind of thing impresses you…

This seems like the obvious solution to me too. It shouldn’t be a drama for two older teen brothers to share a room for the odd night.

I totally agree, but according to MN, anywhere that a stepchild/member of a blended family ever sleeps, not matter how infrequently, has to be a 'main home', even if this results in numerous main homes.

You make it sound like a child who has to live between several homes following their parents' marriage/relationship coming to an end is either somehow lucky to have so many - as if they're Elton John with luxury holiday homes across the world - or otherwise should feel privileged to be tolerated anywhere that isn't the home with the parent where they spend the majority of their time.

It was my contribution to how the discussion developed and widened out, as they very often do on MN - not just the OP's individual circumstances.

And as I stated above, it was a response to the suggestion that parents should only/mainly prioritise their own preferences, simply because the children don't/can't pay the mortgage or bills.

Such a level of dislike towards young men.

Agree, I thought this comment was vile.

Or just realistic.