Page 21 | Bedroom dilemma

soniiaa · 2025-10-10T20:19:48+00:00

Me and DP are moving in together and we don’t know how to sort out the bedrooms. It’s a 4 bed house. I have - DS11 (is with me 90% of the time) DD18 (is at uni but stays with me 100% of the holidays) DP has - DS16 (with him every weekend and every school holiday) DS19 (with him ad hoc - maybe once or twice a week) DP would ideally like his kids to have their own rooms, but then so would I. Maybe this is unreasonable with DD being at uni? Would really appreciate peoples thoughts!

Rosscameasdoody · 12/10/2025 09:33

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 12/10/2025 09:28

I’m not the one who is unwilling for them to share. Their father is.

Show quote history

Then he needs a reality check because this is the obvious solution. If it’s the difference between them being together or putting things on hold indefinitely then OP needs to rethink because it sounds like the proverbial spanner in the works.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/10/2025 09:36

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 12/10/2025 09:30

Who do you think is stipulating that his children can’t share?

HE is.

Show quote history

And so are many posters here. That’s the point l was making.

Zebedee999 · 12/10/2025 10:05

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 11/10/2025 09:51

Her DD who doesn't have a permanent bedroom elsewhere all year round needs one more than the 19 year old who has a permanent bedroom at his mother's house.

Show quote history

Fair point, I missed that. I am wrong, you are right.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/10/2025 10:12

catin8oot5 · 11/10/2025 18:38

Maybe don’t move in together? Does your need for cock override the welfare of your kids?

What a vile comment. OP has been with her DP for seven years. If the ‘need for cock’ as you so charmingly put it were the overriding factor they wouldn’t have waited this long. Posts like yours are the reason OPs are run off their own threads - they post for genuine input and get foul mouthed abuse instead. Just because you can. Very mature.

Nanny0gg · 12/10/2025 10:24

Rosscameasdoody · 11/10/2025 20:22

Would OP and her DP be considering buying a joint property to house them all if they didn’t ? Logically not.

Show quote history

Have you been here long?

It's a fairly common scenario

ishimbob · 12/10/2025 10:27

I think the blended family side of things does make a difference tho. The main one being that if the DP's sons don't feel comfortable, they will just stop coming over - just like the OP's DD has done with her dad - they have a choice.

Whereas in a nuclear family set up, they would just have to get on with it and because they would have that greater comfort level about their place in the home, it would all feel a lot easier

lanthanum · 12/10/2025 15:02

SprayWhiteDung · 11/10/2025 14:14

I realise that compromises are clearly needed in the scenario that OP is looking at, and that it's not the biggest issue here; but personally, I would really hate the very idea that there was a cupboard in MY room that had been locked to keep ME out of it.

I think it sends out a signal far deeper than the actual fact of it.

I get if it's a small child's room and there is a door/cupboard that leads to/contains something that can't go elsewhere that could be unsafe for them until they're older - e.g. an en-suite or medical supplies for the child to be administered by a parent - but the very thought that a teenager could have a part of their own room that's been effectively annexed and secured to keep them out... just horrible.

Show quote history

Looking at it from the other direction, though, if someone else is going to use your room while you are away, would you not rather that you know they don't have access to stuff you've left there?
Of course, in an ideal world, they would each be able to trust the other not to go rooting through what doesn't belong to them, but they might feel safer if they each have some completely private space.
(When I went off to uni, I put everything I left behind in a single piece of furniture, so that my sister could feel that our shared room was now hers. It wasn't locked, but having shared with her for a few years, I wasn't worried.)

Blablibladirladada · 12/10/2025 17:27

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 11/10/2025 18:29

You're suggesting that the two who are there most often (and who are unrelated) share. That means that a lot of the time they would be sharing whilst two rooms sat empty.

Show quote history

Yes, it is a blended family so they should act like it or wait that one of the eldest move out to start living together…

Rosscameasdoody · 12/10/2025 17:38

Blablibladirladada · 12/10/2025 17:27

Yes, it is a blended family so they should act like it or wait that one of the eldest move out to start living together…

Show quote history

Why is this so difficult ? DP’s two boys share the biggest room. The elder brother is only there one night a week, so the younger gets his own room 6 days out of seven. They’re 16 and 19. They’re not being kicked out or emotionally scarred. They’re being asked to act reasonably so that OP and her DH can sort their lives out. Seven years is long enough.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/10/2025 17:39

Nanny0gg · 12/10/2025 10:24

Have you been here long?

It's a fairly common scenario

Show quote history

Of course it is. What’s your point ? If they didn’t get along why would OP even consider housing them all together, and why would she post for advice because she’s concerned that she does right by them all ? Perfectly reasonable question and not deserving of such a snotty reply.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/10/2025 17:42

thewalrus3 · 12/10/2025 09:06

Two of the kids are grown up! They may always want to ‘come home’ for a night or two. They may split with a partner in later life and need a room. You can’t plan for every eventuality, you do the best with the space you have/can afford.

Op is only getting this much stick because it’s a blended family and by MN ridiculous standards you either stay with your dc father or you remain single. If you choose to have another relationship while your kids are still young (and even when they’re not) you are a selfish harlot who is prioritising cock (as one delightful poster wrote) and emotionally traumatising your kids. Yes blended families can be tricky, it doesn’t always work with everyone living together and the parents need to be aware of this and act in the kids best interests. In this case it sounds like they all get along and when two of them won’t even be living there the majority of the time (the 19 year old comes once a week and has a room at his mums ffs!) I really think some of these comments are over the top and meant purely to berate op on daring to date again.

Show quote history

This.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 12/10/2025 17:44

Blablibladirladada · 12/10/2025 17:27

Yes, it is a blended family so they should act like it or wait that one of the eldest move out to start living together…

Show quote history

The eldest already does not live there so he doesn't need a permanent room of his own.

Freeme31 · 12/10/2025 17:47

Are any of the bedrooms big enough to put in a temporary partition wall ? Even your main bedroom

RawBloomers · 12/10/2025 18:20

soniiaa · 11/10/2025 12:07

Just to clarify, he does underhand that DD can’t share with anyone, and that she does need her own space. We just can’t work out how to make it fair for everyone 🙂

Show quote history

So what is his suggestion? If everyone agrees DD can’t share, that means two of the boys do, doesn’t it? Does he actually think there is some way for both his boys to have their own rooms or is this just a lament because he’s not looking forward to the conversation with them (or is he possibly back peddling on moving in together)?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 12/10/2025 18:37

soniiaa · 11/10/2025 12:07

Just to clarify, he does underhand that DD can’t share with anyone, and that she does need her own space. We just can’t work out how to make it fair for everyone 🙂

Show quote history

If he understands that your DD can't share with anyone, that means at least one of his sons must share.

If there are four bedrooms, one of which is for the two of you and one of which is for your DD, that leaves two rooms. So the only way both his DSs can have their own room is if your DS doesn't have a bedroom at all.

What is he actually suggesting?

The only way his DSs can each have their own room is if your two children share.

Blablibladirladada · 12/10/2025 18:40

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 12/10/2025 17:44

The eldest already does not live there so he doesn't need a permanent room of his own.

Show quote history

Exactly,
hence I would have given him a room and make other two to share. Then we eldest is moved out, give the room to one of them.

Yes, the two brother could also share and then each of OP have a room too.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 12/10/2025 18:41

Blablibladirladada · 12/10/2025 18:40

Exactly,
hence I would have given him a room and make other two to share. Then we eldest is moved out, give the room to one of them.

Yes, the two brother could also share and then each of OP have a room too.

Show quote history

You would have given him a room even though he doesn't live there and made two children who do actually live there share?

That's batshit.

Fridgemanageress · 12/10/2025 18:44

Boys in the biggest one, girl in the box room, you and partner in one and the other a lovely clothes room/study.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/10/2025 19:25

effortlesslyannoying · 11/10/2025 11:56

It's always a real shock to be told the truth when people have been politely not doing that.

So, up until now you've performed your duties as a parent. Good. That's your job.

Nobody said you can't fuck your boyfriend, and nobody said you were Rosemary West (odd comment).

Nobody suggested you wait until they're 30 either.

But I suppose that as you have no reasonable argument, you have to rely on logical fallacies (straw man being the obvious one) to soothe yourself.

Everyone knows that blended families rarely work, that your kids are going to be disadvantaged and far less happy than remaining where they are and everyone knows you care more about getting what you want than you do about that reality.

There's no reason at all to force your kids to live with a man and his sons, beyond that's what you want. Just accept it, because that's how your kids will see it and this is the reality of how everyone in real life sees you too.

Well maybe the odd selfish person who puts their boyfriend/girlfriend and their own wants over the needs, stability and happiness of their kids might try to give you a pass, but most will see it exactly as I have said).

Get used to it.

Edited

Show quote history

This is bollocks. Sorry - don’t know how else to put it. As a reply to the post that OP made, it’s ignorant in the extreme.

DorothyStorm · 12/10/2025 19:36

RawBloomers · 12/10/2025 18:20

So what is his suggestion? If everyone agrees DD can’t share, that means two of the boys do, doesn’t it? Does he actually think there is some way for both his boys to have their own rooms or is this just a lament because he’s not looking forward to the conversation with them (or is he possibly back peddling on moving in together)?

Show quote history

Or is he thinking he is not compromising, his sons get a room each and op‘s daughter just doesnt come home. And op shuts up and toes the tine.

IPutASpellOnYou · 12/10/2025 19:41

Are any of the rooms big enough to separate with a room divider?

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 12/10/2025 20:42

DorothyStorm · 12/10/2025 19:36

Or is he thinking he is not compromising, his sons get a room each and op‘s daughter just doesnt come home. And op shuts up and toes the tine.

Show quote history

Or maybe he doesn’t actually want to move in so is creating a road block?
Who knows?

thewalrus3 · 12/10/2025 21:33

Pretty sure op won’t be returning given the foul abuse anyway.

It’s one thing to offer an opinion but some of the crude language and flaming of her character/parenting is really depressing to see. All because she’s moving in with someone she’s been in a relationship with for 7 years and is due to marry.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 12/10/2025 21:46

Can't your DD's room be used as a general guest room while she's at uni? This would mean that the 19 year old, or any other guest, could stay in it in term-time.
She would be able to have a say in how it was laid out and decorated, but would obviously have to leave it clear and tidy ('guest-ready') when she wasn't there
(with her stuff put away in a cupboard/ wardrobe/ underbed drawers so it doesn't get interfered with but also doesn't clutter the place up).

The 19 year old presumably keeps most of his stuff at his mum's as that is where he lives most of the time, so would just need a chest of drawers or something at your new house. This could be kept in a neutral place (hallway or landing or similar), or in one of the bedrooms (and maybe even be mobile, and moved to whichever room he's sleeping in?).

If he stays over in term-time, there's the guest room. If he turns up during the uni holidays, he shares with his brother for a night, or uses the sofa(bed?) in the living room.

If there's a garden/ outside space, you could also explore the options of installing a shed/cabin or converting the garage...

SprayWhiteDung · 13/10/2025 09:15

Rosscameasdoody · 12/10/2025 09:16

You’re suggesting that the actual owners of the house - the ones responsible for the mortgage and bills ‘hot room’. There’ve been some daft suggestions throughout the thread but this one takes first prize. Punishing mum and dad for daring to want to be together. Apportioning blame is going to create a great atmosphere for them all to live in isn’t it ?

Show quote history

I don't see why them paying rhe mortgage and bills is relevant. We're not a blended family and only have one child, but we still prioritise our child's needs - even though he isn't old enough to earn anything yet and doesn't pay any bills.

When he was little, we didn't stop giving him food so that he couldn't throw any on the floor for us to have to clean up or take away noisy toys that he loved but we found irritating "because WE pay the mortgage and bills and you don't".

That's just what parenting is. If people don't want to have to prioritise or pay for children, they're fully entitled to not have children and not form relationships with partners who have children.

Frame it how you will, but the children losing their own bedrooms is punishing them for one of their parents wanting to be together with somebody else.