Bedroom dilemma

[soniiaa]

Me and DP are moving in together and we don’t know how to sort out the bedrooms. It’s a 4 bed house.

I have -
DS11 (is with me 90% of the time)
DD18 (is at uni but stays with me 100% of the holidays)

DP has -
DS16 (with him every weekend and every school holiday)
DS19 (with him ad hoc - maybe once or twice a week)

DP would ideally like his kids to have their own rooms, but then so would I. Maybe this is unreasonable with DD being at uni? Would really appreciate peoples thoughts!

That's a crazy analogy. Food is a human right, having your own bedroom to yourself really isn't!

I know people may say it's just semantics, but I really don't like the idea of referring to a child's "main" home, purely on the basis that they live there with one parent more of the time.

To me, your 'main' home is where you are properly resident when, say you have a holiday home or (as an adult) you choose to stay over somewhere in the week nearer to work.

Why should children whose parents have split up only get a 'main' home for part of the week; when other children get to have a permanent 'main' home? Unless one of their parents is just acting in a childminder role when they look after/host them, then the child has two 'main' homes.

But what about the noisy toy analogy?

What about if a child really wants to go to a club, but taking them is a hassle for the parents - who pay the bills - so they just say No and prioritise what they prefer themselves?

What about if you had a riding-mad child with their own horse that they'd been given from a young age, but daddy decides that he'd like a motorbike for fun weekend jaunts, so the horse is sold to buy his bike - because he pays some of the bills and the child doesn't?

That's not even remotely like what's happening here!

The main point is whether parents are willing to make sacrifices for their children, or whether they expect their children to make sacrifices for them.

I don't see someone sharing a bed room once a week, or having a bed in a reception room once a week, as a sacrifice!

I think you are misunderstanding what the word "main" means here.

You can't have two "main" homes. If you have two homes and spend 50% of your time in each one, you have two homes and neither is your "main" home.

If you have two homes and spend most of your time in one of them, the one you spend most of your time in is your "main" home.

The 19 year old doesn't need his own bedroom in each of his two homes, particularly if he has his own bedroom in his main home, where he spends 6 nights per week.

He could also, at his age, be renting a place of his own. Would he still need a permanent bedroom in each of his parents' homes then?

All the boys have their own rooms.

DS19 keeps his room tidier, like a guest room. And there is a cupboard for DD.
In the school holidays DS19 sleeps in with his brother.
DD has the guest room.

I would say:

DS11 (is with me 90% of the time) - should get own room

These two share a room:
DS16 (with him every weekend and every school holiday)
DS19 (with him ad hoc - maybe once or twice a week)

DD18 (is at uni but stays with me 100% of the holidays) - gets own room when back for hols, but until she graduates and you know more what her plans are try and keep it as a more general room so it can double as an extra space for the boys if they are struggling to share. Otherwise it's a bit unfair to block a whole room for your DD who won't be there for weeks on end.

A sacrifice doesn't always mean a terribly traumatic ordeal.

They previously each had a room to call/consider their own and now they won't - because their parents want to live together in a house where they will now no longer all have their own room.

Yeah, I know it's semantics really; but I just hate the suggestion that we see so commonly on here that, because a child has their own bedroom with the parent they spend most of the week with, the bare minimum is absolutely fine for the rest of their time when they're at the other parent's house.

And yes, he could be renting a room of his own at his age; but he isn't. 19 is still a very young adult and a great many people at that age are not ready or confident to be fully independent.

As I said upthread, I think it should be led by the young adult child when they feel ready to properly sever the ties with home and fully move out - which, considering that many young people who go to university don't graduate and leave (with their own full-time home as opposed to term-time accommodation) until a minimum of 21, seems unnecessarily young to insist on or push for/expect by 19.

So, the OP and her partner who have been together for 6 years can't move in together until her partner's 19 year old son decides he doesn't need his own bedroom at each one of his parents' houses anymore?

They can, but it's up to them to decide on what their priorities are.

Do they take away a young adult child's own room before that child feels emotionally ready to sever the ties with home?

Do they choose a cheaper home/area or even just take the time to find a more flexible property that works for everybody?

They each have a 3-bedroom house to sell, so that will surely release a lot of funds. Loads of 4-bed houses will have more than one reception room downstairs (or even a garage), so one of them can easily be considered/used as a young adult child's own bedroom until such time as they feel confident to leave it behind - after which it can be reclaimed as a reception room.

In fact, it can also be frequently 'borrowed' when the child is not there for all manner of uses; but the difference is that it is still essentially and primarily their bedroom and not a 'spare room' that they are allowed to bunk in.

There are achievable options that will work well for everybody, if they actually want to do that.

Yeah it’ll go down a treat saying my kids should have a room (including a daughter who doesn’t live there most of the year) but your kids should share. Even though they’re here regularly.

You either have both sets of siblings share - or you find a way to create an extra room. If there’s a large master you might be able to put a wall up and second door way and create two small rooms for the adults.

Your daughter has already stopped visiting her father because she doesn’t have a room - unless your goal is to discourage his kids from coming home, they can’t be treated differently to your own.

My kids are my world and will always be my priority. I have dedicated my life to looking after them as young dc with very little help, and will continue to support them throughout their lives. But I do think there comes a point when you have to step back and remember that you are a person too. Probably generally speaking when the kids reach adulthood. By this point they are quite literally not children anymore, and while they should always be made to feel welcome in their parents home I don’t think major decisions about buying houses should revolve entirely around their needs and wants.

My dc will always have a home with me no matter how old they are but I’ll be buggered if I’m giving them the biggest bedroom in my home on the off chance they might decide to drop in. By the age of 18 I would largely say your job as a parent is done on a practical level and it’s time to start prioritising your own needs again. This obviously doesn’t apply to the younger dc in this scenario but the 19 year old who stays over once a week and will probably move out completely soon should not be a deciding factor in what house they buy or whether they move in together or not.

Moving to a different area would most likely have a much bigger impact for all the children concerned than a 19 year old having to share a room with his 16 year old brother occasionally.

The OP says they can't afford a 5 bedroom property so I don't know why so many people are assuming they can but haven't tried.

Because this is MN and it’s traditional to ignore the updates and wade in with inappropriate advice that bears no relation to what the OP has said 😀

Where did OP say her DP’s kids are both home regularly. The older one only visits once or twice a week and at 19 it’s only going to get less. The 16 year old is there at weekends and school holidays, so realistically you’re going to have two rooms standing empty most of the time. It’s not unreasonable to ask two siblings of the same sex to share the biggest room so that the other two siblings who are different sexes can have their own rooms. For OP’s kids this is their only home - their dad doesn’t have a bed for them - while DP’s two have their own rooms at their mum’s so it’s not as though they never have privacy, and the younger one will have the room to himself most of the time anyway.

DS11 has his own room

DS16 has a room, with an extra bed in it that DS19 can use when he and DD18 are both there at the same time

Then you have a spare room, which DD18 can use during the holidays, and DS19 can use the rest of the year.

Don't really see any other solution except a bigger house..

So they just go for the more realistic option of finding a 4-bed with two reception rooms or a garage - they aren't especially uncommon.

So who won't have their own room?

Early on I suggested that the 3 younger all have a room each. The 19 yr old who comes once a week can either share with his brother for one night or if there's a second reception room there could be a bed or sofa bed in there for him so he has his own space for one night. That's hardly a sacrifice when he has a bedroom presumably at his mum's for the other 6 nights! I think your definition of sacrifice is quite different from mine!

Do they take away a young adult child's own room before that child feels emotionally ready to sever the ties with home?

How are they doing that ? They’re not kicking anyone out. All they essentially need to do is to ask DP’s two to share the biggest room when DS19 is home. Once or twice a week sharing with his brother isn’t going to emotionally scar DS16 - it’ll probably have a negative effect anyway if he’s only there at weekends and in the school holidays, and DS19 is only home a couple of times a week.

This. Perfectly logical and yet totally unacceptable to the hand wringing ‘think about the children’ brigade. It’s batshit.

Bonkers innit ? Talk about teaching your children to be entitled and selfish.

I agree with everyone saying the 19 yo young man can share with his brother when he comes as he’s not even there that often and doesn’t stay for long stretches of time.

There isn’t anyone the dd at uni can share with when she’s there., so that isn’t an option.

And the two partial sharers get the biggest room.