Bedroom dilemma

[soniiaa]

Me and DP are moving in together and we don’t know how to sort out the bedrooms. It’s a 4 bed house.

I have -
DS11 (is with me 90% of the time)
DD18 (is at uni but stays with me 100% of the holidays)

DP has -
DS16 (with him every weekend and every school holiday)
DS19 (with him ad hoc - maybe once or twice a week)

DP would ideally like his kids to have their own rooms, but then so would I. Maybe this is unreasonable with DD being at uni? Would really appreciate peoples thoughts!

If you can't afford a 5 bed could you wait a few years? Blending families is hard enough without two children ending up sharing a space.

So basically cancel the wedding and put their relationship on hold even further, rather than involve two adult children and an older teen in finding a solution they're all happy with ?

I don't know why some people have an issue with two of these young people being adults. You don't suddenly become totally independent and financially and emotionally self sufficient at 18! And you're still part of the family.

No need to cancel the wedding but in terms of moving in Together… Yes. Because parents should put their children first while they are still dependents.

The partner can stay at hers Monday to Friday and then just sleep at his on weekends.

It’s really not that big a deal and if the relationship can’t survive two nights a week sleeping in different houses, I would suggest it wasn’t a strong enough relationship to uproot and upset all your children for.

Why ? In this case there are three bedrooms to accommodate four children, two of whom are adults and not there full time. The biggest room for DPs two, which the younger one will have to himself most of the time anyway, and OPs DS and DD get their own rooms. I don’t get all the hand wringing and pearl clutching about asking the two older boys to share on what will only be a part time basis anyway, especially as the older boy is an adult and hardly there.

I think you need a five bed but the two youngest get their own rooms as their the most. The fourth is a guest room with decent storage for the elder two. By default your daughter gets it in holidays. His eldest can share with his brother. Really this is just for a few years.

MN folks are brilliant at coming up with solutions for this sort of thing, but they need an actual house to work with! Buy the right 4 bed and there will be some way to carve out a small extra room somehow by splitting one of the bedrooms, reconfiguring the downstairs, converting the garage. Give the new small room to either your daughter or older stepson.

5 beds are not always that much more expensive than 4 beds - an estate agent advised us against adding a 5th bedroom because they don't add much to the value.

Be prepared to compromise on area a bit and look for a house with as big a footprint as you can, a garage to convert, an unofficial loft room that doesn't have building regs but that you could bring up to spec, a massive master bedroom, a living room that's too long and thin and would be just as functional if you took a slice off the end - lots of possible solutions especially when 1 DC only stays a night or two per week, but none that you can apply to a completely fictional house.

Children are allowed to share rooms, dh shared growing up and it didn’t affect him , plenty of my friends shared too.

id put dd in the smallest room, she is still home for holidays and needs a room, youngest ds gets the next smallest room and the oldest two boys share the biggest room as they are there less.

Mumsnet is playing funny buggers and posted my reply twice!

I find it a bit harsh how many people say "They're adults, they'll be gone soon anyway, so they can just be given something labelled as 'spare' in the meantime".

Hotels are great, but they're still designed to be functional and are not your own home. Yes, you've had a relaxing, enjoyable night; but now it's somebody else's room and you have to pack up and leave promptly. Being able to 'find a room/bed' for a family member who still considers it their own home (at least for a part of their time) or naming the room where they sleep and store a lot of their own stuff as 'spare' is not going to help them feel important.

Even more so if you're either considered 'lucky' because your home is split between two properties; or worse, when both parents treat the fact that you aren't there full-time as justification for you to be an afterthought rather than a focus; talking of our own room 'being wasted' when you're at your other home. University is a bit different, as it's your first foray into the adult world and slowly becoming independent in time; but when it comes to children whose parents are no longer together, it isn't actually the children's choice to no longer have one full-time room in one full-time home.

I think it's easy to overlook the strong emotional needs and feelings of security that young adults rely on. Of course their needs are very different from those of young children, but that doesn't make them any less important. Many will still feel vulnerable and learning their place in the world.

Others may well disagree, but I always think that children/young adults leaving home should be entirely led by them, to make the decision for themselves, in their own good time, with gentle support available for whatever they decide. Naturally, that doesn't mean they're just waited on hand and foot and not expected to play their part in chores, consideration, respect and keeping the household functioning and happy for everybody.

Obviously, if they're still there at 42 with no signs of ever leaving, you might want to 'have a little chat'; but it's horrible for any young adult to feel that their clock in the family is ticking and that they're starting to be seen as a liability who is 'room blocking' and causing problems by not just hurrying up and leaving.

For those advocating OP put her plans on hold. The parents have put the relationship on hold for the last six years. The two older children are adults. How long is OP supposed to wait ? DPs two go in the biggest room, which the younger one will have to himself the majority of the time anyway, and OPs two each have a room because they’re opposite sexes. The solution is blindingly obvious, perfectly simple and a non problem which many posters are using to make ridiculous non points about parental responsibility. How on earth is a sixteen year old and a nineteen year old sharing a room for a brief period every week going to psychologically damage them ? It’s handwringing batshit nonsense you only ever encounter on MN.

It's totally missing the point when people say there's nothing wrong with siblings sharing a room and that it's normal.

We're talking about children who have grown up not having to share a room, and who are now being told that they'll have to start sharing - purely because their parent has decided that they want to move their bf/gf in.

Ergo, to put it bluntly, they get what they want and you now have to pay the price for that.

Dps ds should share as it sounds that they will generally use the room at different times?

How often are the two eldest around? Are they around at the same time?

I would do a bedroom for you and partner, bedroom each for the children who are there most of the time.

Make the last bedroom a guest room that the two older ones can use ad hoc but becomes your DD's in the holidays. Make sure there is some lockable storage for each of them.

Get a sofa bed for when all 4 are there.

It’s not a question of whether siblings can share bedrooms or of making sure their kids have a bed when they visit.
It’s what message the habitation sends to their children.
Are they important? Are they valued?

Bullshit. The only children who will have to share are DPs two - a 16 year old and a 19 year old, so an adult. The younger brother will have the room to himself 5/6 days out of 7. It’s a non issue. No wonder so many children grow up unable to cope with life as adults when they’re pandered to in this way. Change happens. Life happens. You have to be prepared to adapt and be flexible. When these situations are handled sensitively and inclusively, they can teach children tolerance and resilience, and more importantly these days, that they are not the most important person on the planet and need to consider others.

Yes I think people are missing this point. DP can stay with OP during the week except maybe one night if his eldest comes round. That's perfectly acceptable for another year or two, at which point both the oldest are more likely to be around less and the 16 year old may be at uni.

No. It is her private space.

Kids are home from uni more than than there tbh so she does not want teenage boys having free use of her room.

Op, do the kids want to combine homes has anyone actually asked them?

Huh? So where does his younger son live in this scenario?

Oh so you’re the type with the ‘18 and you’re out’ mentality.

Where do you think a young teen who is still at University meant to come home to?

Feeling that they are important and valued is important, l agree. But teaching them that they are important and valued to the point where they think their needs trump that of others isn’t a great life lesson. It leads to selfish and entitled adults. Their importance and value should be tempered with the lesson that things change. Life changes. And if you’re not equipped to cope with that change you’re going to have a very hard life.

Handled sensitively and with the input of the children themselves towards a solution that works for everyone teaches them inclusivity, compromise, tolerance and respect for others. Not to mention team work. A much better solution than simply putting your life on hold and wrapping them in cotton wool. I really don’t understand why anyone posts for advice on blending families when it’s been clear for some time that MN disapproves of it in any form and hates step parents.

My friend's mother was a Dick before Daughters advocate. She moved a new man in before the ink was dry on the divorce papers.

My friend still gets choked up when she talks about how awful it was to share her home with a man who wasn't her father. She's in her 50s now and it still affects her. She never said a word to her mother as she didn't feel she could.

Her sister on the other hand formed a really close bond with him. So close in fact, that in the months after the mother died, they took two trips together and shared a double room. So, it's not always a disaster. Oh, wait.....

OP you are going to force your daughter to share her home space with three men she isn't related to.

Do you really need to do this now?
Can you really not wait for a proper solution suitable for five adults and a child who aren't all family?

OP blending families is hard, you can’t do this in a situation where one of the DC loses. We waited 7 years to blend. You need to prioritise the DC.

The two youngest children get their own rooms. You and DP get a room. The fourth bedroom is officially a spare bedroom and therefore the decor is fairly neutral. Most of the time it is used by the older two children, with your DD having priority during university holidays. When using the room these two can personalise, so long as the room can be easily returned to neutral spare for the next occupant (which may sometimes be an adult guest of you or your partner). Invest in suitable storage to facilitate this. Put up picture rails and buy both older kids a few poster holders so that it's easy to put up and take down posters.

Your DD needs to be willing to spend some time away during her holidays or sleep on the sofa occasionally if necessary, so that balance of occupancy and inconvenience isn't unfair to partner's older DS.

He only has the son at weekends. So he can live M-F with OP and at his own home at weekends.