Bedroom dilemma

[soniiaa]

Me and DP are moving in together and we don’t know how to sort out the bedrooms. It’s a 4 bed house.

I have -
DS11 (is with me 90% of the time)
DD18 (is at uni but stays with me 100% of the holidays)

DP has -
DS16 (with him every weekend and every school holiday)
DS19 (with him ad hoc - maybe once or twice a week)

DP would ideally like his kids to have their own rooms, but then so would I. Maybe this is unreasonable with DD being at uni? Would really appreciate peoples thoughts!

WTF should his kids share? All the kids are used to their own rooms so they'd all be pissed off if they have to move and start sharing a bedroom.

I agree that a 5 bed is needed (cheaper area if that's the only way to afford it) or a house with a dining room/room that can be converted.

This. Having the 16 and 19 year olds sharing occasionally should not be a deal breaker.

I’m assuming most of her important things will be with her at uni, but yeh she would need to not leave valuables or fragile items around otherwise it’s a recipe for disaster.

I think this is the most sensible and realistic solution. I'd also suggest discussing it with your daughter and the older stepson, they are adults and might have reasonable suggestions of their own

Perhaps @soniiaa you and your partner can phrase it slightly differently.

Four bedrooms.

One for you and your partner.
One for your 11 year old DS who lives there full time.
One for your 16 year old DSS who stays every weekend and in the holidays.
One spare room for your 18 year old DD or 19 year old DSS to stay in when they visit.
One spare bed in your 16 year old DSS's room for his brother to sleep in if he wants to stay when your DD is at home, because when all four of them are there at once no other sleeping arrangement would be appropriate.

The spare room is decorated in a neutral colour and has enough space for your DD to store her things.

Your DD and 19 year old DS each have their own bed linen.

The spare room must be kept clean and tidy at all times.

I’ve only read your posts op, plus a scattering of responses, so I’m sorry if someone else has asked this already.

Would it be possible for you to post the floor plan to your house? Sometimes seeing floor plans can help work out the best way to share out rooms, or even do a little bit of diy to make one of the rooms into two rooms.

Good luck with moving in together. I can totally see why after 6 years you would like to. I think with someone open discussing with the kids it shouldn’t really be as bad an impact on them as some people are suggesting it will be.

OP has already ruled out a five bed as they can’t afford it. And there can be lots of reasons a move to another area isn’t possible.

DPs kids presumably have their own rooms with mum, so sharing at dads shouldn’t be a problem. The two older kids are adults and not there full time anyway, so the obvious solution is DPs two share the biggest room, which one child will have to themselves most of the time anyway, and the other two have their own rooms with DDs room doubling as a spare for guests during term time when needed. Alternatively DPs two could also have their own rooms and revert to sharing when DD is home. It’s ridiculous to suggest any of the kids will be adversely affected by any of this and teaches them that sometimes you have to be flexible and adapt.

Perfect!

Then you wait and save until you can afford a home together where all your children between you are made to feel valued.

His two boys share the biggest room when your DD is there, otherwise one of them (the 19yo?) uses her room when she’s away. There are clever ways of dividing the space in a shared room that could be utilised in the rare occasions they’ll need to share.

Once a kid leaves home to go to uni they no longer have a need/right to a permanent bedroom at "home". They are an adult now!

What if they still can't afford a five bedroom house when the 19 year old is 25? 30? 40 and married with three kids of his own?

Could you rent a 5 bed somewhere for a couple of years as a stopgap until some of the older kids are more independent and no longer need a room in the home? It might mean considering other areas so you find something within budget, but as it’s only a temporary measure the long term plan would be buying (a smaller house) in your desired area. This option would also allow you the opportunity to test how you all live together before committing to a house sale? If you did want to buy, perhaps look for a 4 bed with a large enough master to add a partition of some kind so both of his sons have their own space?

I think you need a floating spare room for the two oldest and a bit of compromise. I think oldest DS should sleep on the sofa or share during DD uni holidays

Her DD who doesn't have a permanent bedroom elsewhere all year round needs one more than the 19 year old who has a permanent bedroom at his mother's house.

It's not their main home

And one of those options is to stick to their plans and expect the children to adapt. Two of them are adults and one is sixteen. Old enough to be involved in the discussion and helping to find a solution. It’s a life lesson that you can’t always have what you want and sometimes you need to be flexible. Only on MN are parents required to put their own personal lives on hold indefinitely. In OP and her DPs case they’ve been doing this for six years and now, understandably want to move forward with their plans. Two of their children are adults themselves - exactly how long should they wait ?

If you can't afford somewhere big enough for all of you right now then how about waiting until DD has left university and has a place of her own? Then a "floating" spare room for occasional visits from DD and older SS will work.

If you move to a place that is too small now, it's going to be worse when DD finishes university if she can't move out immediately and needs to live with you fulltime. Unless the idea is to force her out?

@soniiaa in this situation neither of you are wrong.
However maybe it’s best you don’t move on together.

100% this - if you can't resolve the issue of space then it's not the right decision to move in together. An 18 year at Uni needs a base, what if Uni doesn't work out and they want to come home?

My DC's have loved coming back to their home after being at Uni. It's provides a sense of security that enables them to launch in a few years.

If you can make your daughter feel welcomed then it's the wrong decision.

‘Sex lives’? What an insulting comment. Why is it so unreasonable for OP to want to move on with their plans after six years ? Three of their children are old enough to be involved in the discussion/solution and it’s not going to be emotionally scarring for DPs two to share the largest room, given that the younger of the two will have it to himself most of the time anyway. MM is utterly batshit sometimes.

I didn’t have a room at my parents’ houses for similar reasons to this when I was 18. I was allowed to stay for uni holidays but I was made to be very sure it wasn’t my bedroom.
It meant when I left uni I had to get any job I could find, any rental I could afford and I had no spare money at the end of the month to save for anything better. I couldn’t afford driving lessons which meant I stayed stuck at the rubbish job for much longer than was ideal.
I was basically stuck, surviving.
The lack of safety net has really impacted me and meant I could only buy my first house at 35.
I would never do that to my children.

3 who are there the most have their own rooms. The one who is there the least has your room when there and you sleep on a sofa bed in the living room. That's how I'd do it if it were me. All the kids need to feel equally welcome. Even if you can't provide a dedicated bedroom to the one who is there the least, you are showing them you are willing to put yourselves out for them.