Bedroom dilemma

[soniiaa]

Me and DP are moving in together and we don’t know how to sort out the bedrooms. It’s a 4 bed house.

I have -
DS11 (is with me 90% of the time)
DD18 (is at uni but stays with me 100% of the holidays)

DP has -
DS16 (with him every weekend and every school holiday)
DS19 (with him ad hoc - maybe once or twice a week)

DP would ideally like his kids to have their own rooms, but then so would I. Maybe this is unreasonable with DD being at uni? Would really appreciate peoples thoughts!

Boys will be fine sharing , when dss (19) stays he has a bed in with my boys and it’s cramped but it works as both my dd need their own rooms. You just have to make the best of what you can afford and as long as everyone is kind to each other it’ll be fine

Oh my god i can’t believe how many people are suggesting they are selfish or shouldn’t have gotten married/ moved in together, one day all the kids are going to leave home and apart from the odd visit from them your partner will be all you have left, there comes a time in life (where your kids are older like OP) where you have to start putting your life/your partner first again otherwise you will end up alone xx

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Dream on!

Only on MN is sharing seem as dreadful, not to mention having to keep a room empty for most of the year, for uni-age children

Especially when 3 of the kids don't even live there full time

But that’s exactly what you are choosing. It’s unreasonable to have children sharing while a room is empty, and it’s unfair to ask dd not to have a bed if she wants to visit.

You don’t have enough money to find a 5 bed, so stay put where you are or move areas to somewhere cheaper. You have options

Don’t move in together if you can’t accommodate your children. It’s that simple. She’s at uni. It moved out. Of course you need it to keep a room for her. Imagine no parent having space that’s yours. She’s a child.

His boys have a room each, and share the larger one when DD is home.

Having your own bedroom wasn't always the norm, and certainly not when you left to go to university! I had 3 siblings and we lived in a 3 bedroom house - and believe it or not, there are children who live this way to this very day!!

No wonder MNers so often refer to children as a 'luxury' that some people cannot afford.

I always shared a bedroom with my sister, and I never think that's a problem. In this case it's fine for the two brothers to share, but I think the OP said her partner wanted them to have their own rooms.

Either buy four bed where you can reconfigure rooms, splitting a larger bedroom to make it into two. Or do a loft conversion/ buy a garden room to create a fifth bedroom?

Another alternative is just to continue to live separately but together for a few more years.

But 3 of the 4 children are there on a pretty part-time basis, not just DD18

DD18 - uni holidays only = 42% occupancy working on typical uni term dates

DSS19 - one or two nights a week - 14%-28% occupancy

DSS16 - weekends & school holidays = 46% occupancy (2 nights 39 weeks a year, 7 days 13 weeks a year)

Using the plan I previously posted that gives each child their own private space - invest in some very portable leisure equipment eg a gaming station with beanbag chairs and some basic compact gym equipment that you are very firm is to be shared by all 4 of them and will be in the bedrooms of whoever isn't currently staying, so all 3 of the part-timers are required to keep their room in a state where it's ok to be used as a leisure space by others when they aren't there (you can provide them each with a padlock for their wardrobe if they are worried about sibling nosiness). On the rare occasions when all 4 are staying (would just be the 1 or 2 nights when DSS19 comes during school holidays so 13-26 nights per year) space will need to be found in the sitting room, no one sleeps in a room containing the communal equipment - so keep the bulk of stuff low and light. It doesn't matter what the stuff is so long as it sets the expectation of sharing and shows everyone that there's no "wasted" space.

DP's kids share and if he or they don't like that, then you put off moving in until you find a different solution to the problem (eg. find a 5 bed house you can afford) or the problem solves itself (DD finishes uni and moves out or his DS19 moves into his own place).

I don't think it's fair for your DD not to have her own room just because she's at uni. The terms are short and she needs somewhere to go when she comes home for the holidays, somewhere to study etc. Because of the sexes she can't share with anyone else.
The two boys can share because they aren't there all the time and have their own rooms at their mum's place too.

A four bedroom house usually has more than one reception room.

Make one of the reception rooms into the bedroom for DP’s son 19 (e.g. with a sofa bed). Or he sleeps in his brother or DD’s room when they’re not there? He presumably keeps all his belongings at his mother’s house so only needs a bed and a bit of storage.

Your DD should have her own room as she does at the moment, otherwise the move isn’t great for your family. Being at uni with no other place of your own to return to can be quite unsettling. Home is more important when young people first move out. She’ll need somewhere for all her stuff when she’s back. And will likely live with you again when she’s finishes uni. Gone are the days when most people never return home after uni, given the cost of housing, though oc some don’t.

Not the question, I know, but if you’ve never lived with your DP or his sons, what will you do if it doesn’t work out for so many people living together? Or for your DS, particularly? Might it be better to keep separate places until at least some of your DC have moved out? How does your DS feel about it? He’s already had a big shift with presumably starting secondary and his sister leaving.

This has disaster (from the kids point of view) written all over it. Either get a bigger house or don't do it.

Yes, so the best plan is for his sons to share. Which is what most people have said.

DS did find it difficult starting secondary school and his sister leaving in the same week, I won’t lie. However, DP has been around since DS was 5 and he loves him. His own Dad does the absolute bare minimum and he chooses not to go there most of the time now, so DS loves having someone around who will play football with him, teach him how to do DIY etc.

The obvious solution is that the 16 and 19 year old brothers share on the rare occasions that they are both staying over at the same time.

It's not complicated.

It's just not the answer her partner wants.

The OP needs to say, "Either your sons share or we can't move in together."

Ask them all to come up with a solution. Neither parent to wade in, see what solution they find. They’re about to live together so they’ll need to be able to work through shit like this.

I think this is the point @ReadingSoManyThreads was trying to make though - of course the DS will like his dad more if he does the weekend and holiday chill outs and lie ins instead of rushing him out the door for school and getting homework done.

Anyway, I would try to put up a partition in the biggest bedroom for your partner’s DSs. I hope this works out for everyone involved.

with 4 beds - there is no easy optimal solution.

Why don’t you give a bedroom to each of
DS11, DD18, largest bedroom to DS16
get an air mattress and DS19 can use is in DS16 bedroom whenever they stay over?

that should keep the peace and be fairly balanced?

DP’s sons should share, but also have free use of DD’s room while she is away.

4-bed house & divide the largest bedroom ?

Looking at the actual figures though, they are barely going to be living together at the same time. I also wouldnt want to see the only female being forced into an unsuitable situation as she should not be sharing.

DP‘s boys should share is the moat sensible solution based on sex and age, and the most fair solution based on time spent at this house.

Whoever is in her room needs to treat it with respect though.

Well what are the solutions you and DP have thought about OP? What absolutely won’t and what could work?

How about giving folks something to work with?