Bedroom dilemma

[soniiaa]

Me and DP are moving in together and we don’t know how to sort out the bedrooms. It’s a 4 bed house.

I have -
DS11 (is with me 90% of the time)
DD18 (is at uni but stays with me 100% of the holidays)

DP has -
DS16 (with him every weekend and every school holiday)
DS19 (with him ad hoc - maybe once or twice a week)

DP would ideally like his kids to have their own rooms, but then so would I. Maybe this is unreasonable with DD being at uni? Would really appreciate peoples thoughts!

When do you see the situation ending? They've been together for 6 years already. Are they supposed to put their future on hold until a 19 year old no longer wants to stay once a week?

The only way you can do this is for his two to share the biggest room. Look for a house where that room can be semi divided with bookshelves or something. Or you wait until one of them is properly independent. You can’t leave your 18 year old with no room and it’s not ok for an 11 year old DS to share with your DD.

Well don’t allow it to happen then. I really don’t understand why people let this happen and choose to move in with a partner and not have enough rooms for their own children. How sad and selfish.

If two sisters sharing a room is no problem then two brothers sharing a room is also no problem. Particularly two brothers who are close in age and rarely there at the same time.

Majority ofbuni accomodation is 38 weeks a year. Others have 48 weeks per year ( like my son who graduated this year so hardly out of date)

Surprised the DD doesn't have other stuff to do in holidays. My DS worked a summer as English camp in Europe then worked in uni town the rest of holiday. Next year he went travelling in Asia as well as working just coming down for Xmas day. 3 Rd year he flat shared with gf so living there permanently .

If the DD has only just started uni then maybe she will find good stuff to do in the long holidays rather than just going back to mummy every time

OP has already said they can’t afford a five bed.

OP, what is the configuration of your 4 bed house? If it’s 4 bed 2 recep, then you make one of the recep into a bedroom for either your DD or his DS who is only there temporarily. When (many years ago) I went to university, I lost my childhood bedroom to my DB and had to share when I came home - but at least I had a sister I could share with. If you can’t do anything with the reception rooms, then you’ll,have to find a different solution. Do any of the rooms lend themselves to the bunk bed room divider solution as suggested upthread? To leave any of the DC without their own space is more or less to say that they’re not welcome.

DS11 gets his own room. DS16 gets his own room with a trundle bed/futon. The third room is for DD18 and DS19, when they’re both in DS19 stays with DS16

I get that a larger house is a luxury but they are running two households at the moment so thinking about how they might increase affordability is a good thought - moving to cheaper neighbourhood, house with second dining room/attic that can be converted etc should be explored at least. The pertinent fact is that if they can’t afford it, they don’t have to move in together right now - so just waiting two years would probably solve this issue too, probably even less given how long the house selling/buying process can be. We all have things we would like to go but cost prohibits them and then you make grown up choices about it.

Not the house for your needs

So, you think that the OP's DD should have nowhere to sleep when she visits her mother, so that the OP's partner's DS who is older than she is and has another bedroom locally at his mother's house can have his own room when he visits his father once a week, and rarely at the same time as his brother?

Why?

Literally, please can you show your working here because I don't get it.

They have two choices.

Either they don't move in together, or two of their four children have to share a room.

If two of the four "children" have to share a room, it obviously has to be her partner's sons, because they are (a) brothers, (b) close in age, and (c) hardly ever there at the same time.

I'm astounded that anyone thinks any other solution is appropriate.

You're right, siblings that have grown up together in a 2 parent family sometimes share and that's all they've known.
Imagine how those siblings would then feel having to share because their parent now wants to blend 2 families together.
Even the most altruistic amongst us would feel aggrieved.

If a traditional 5 bed house is not possible then they need to be creative with alternative layouts. Or wait a few years.

This is what we did when we ran out of space, this is DD15 room and she loves it xx

The two 18 plus are opposite sexes and not related.

But sharing a room with a sibling you’ve known all your life is different to suddenly at 11/12/13 having to move in with essentially a stranger, alongside all the other upheaval going alongside it. No one is saying the OP shouldn’t move on but it does require consideration of the both families .

Ah. Sorry, I missed that.

Back to the drawing board, then.

Where did I say she should have nowhere to sleep? Think your imagination is running riot. I merely said she could be away far more than the 30 weeks you can.

Best plan is that DD gets the tiniest room. The next size up for the 11;year old. Then parents in 2 nd biggest and divide largest for the 2 brothers. If they want room to themselves come at different time or stay at their mums

This is MN. Of course they are. You shouldn’t even be introducing a new partner to your child until they’re at least 30 !!

Genuinely astounded by the number of people who think it's totally unacceptable for kids to share. 😂

I'd say his two need to share seeing as they are unlikely to be there at the same time too often. Perhaps with the caveat that the 19 year old can use your DD's room during term time when she's at uni.

You can't not have bedroom space for one of the kids, and you can't be expecting them to share across genders or with someone they don't have a sibling relationship with at that age, so the only real practical solution is for his kids to share.

Give the ages and sex of the children I’d say:

11 yr old has a room - with you 90%
19 yr old and 16 yr old share - same sex and are there less
18yr old has room - the only female and cannot share with the others even though she is at university

Sorted

Exactly @Itsrainingloadshereit’s just selfish adults as usual. Yes put your sex life on hold till your kids needs are met. Your kids still need a place to live and call home.

I understand why you might think that about the mum but DP has had his son every weekend his entire life - it suits everyone as his mum goes out a lot. DS actually prefers DP to his mum.

The brothers also have another home they live in the majority of thebtine They are hardly homeless little waifs

Can you not delay getting married and moving in for a few more years until your DD is out of uni and has moved out permanently?

I echo others, you can't accommodate all dc comfortably do don't do it. Wait until at least one has permanent accommodation elsewhere.

Kids can feel very pushed out and irrelevant in these forced blended family situations.

One of ours is at uni and they of course have they own room at home.

Put your dc first and move in with the boyfriend at a later date.