To be a resentful breadwinner

[maw86]

So, the stats are:

• 2 young kids (1.5 and 4)
• Together 8 years, obviously kids together and a mortgage
• I earn over 3 x more than him - a combination of me earning well as a senior city lawyer (I know, cry me a river etc.) and him not so much as a creative
• I work harder (5 days condensed in 4), have more work pressure etc.
• Household expenses are split 75/25
• I pay for extra stuff on top of that like kids clothes and activities on my NWD with the kids
• During second mat leave I ran up credit card debt to keep covering my share of expenses and have the time off, so I'm paying that off and not saving anything
• He's responsible for laundry, weekly groceries shop, washing up, most drop offs, 2 pick ups, energy bill, cleaning ish (we have a cleaner every 2 weeks)
• I'm responsible for everything else. Budgeting, household admin (insurance, car, buying stuff needed in the house), kidmin, weekend plans and booking things, every element of every holiday, bday/xmas plans/presents, 1 NWD with the kids 2 pick ups and flex on drop offs, whatever else we all do to run a home.

I've been resentful for some time and communicated this to him. My resentment is now spreading into generally feeling not supported / looked after / respected in general. Without being too woo woo I feel like he doesn't hold me up and that we're not a partnership. He isn't great at emotional support and I feel like he dampens my spirit rather than lifts it. Our romantic/sex life is non existent. We've been round the houses talking about some of these gripes for years and he wants to do better but isn't hitting the mark. He is a good dad in terms of how he interacts with the kids and is "hands on" to an average level. He isn't mean to me or abusive or violent or anything like that. We get on well, have stuff in common, make each other life etc. but this issue is always brewing.

A good friend had a direct word with me today about whether I really see a future with him - she's worried about me burning out and not having what I deserve and was basically angling for me to leave. Obviously she's biased, in the best way, so I'm here for some neutral views and different opinions. I know I am definitely not alone as a woman carrying the mental load and a disproportionate chunk of household responsibility, so is that just the way it is? Is there something else at play here around missing a kind of masculinity / protector / supporter figure? Am I being taken for a ride or am I a shallow b*tch?!

Bracing myself...

Wouldn’t be for me. I need a man with ambition to provide for his family who I can respect. I don’t care how 1950’s that sounds.

Shouldn’t have been splitting expenses 75:25 when you weren’t earning that much. Shouldn’t be running your credit card up so you could pay three times what he was

Not sure if I missed it but does he work full time?

Wondering whether:

• You're trying to do too much personally so you have no brain space to relax + less tolerance for anything even mildly irritating giving you potential solutions of working less or recruiting paid help for some of the stuff. 18 months is hard and will continue to be hard in similar sorts of ways till that child is about 3.

• Both of you are trying to do too much so neither of you has much space to think about the other's needs / desires. Again, reducing paid work / recruiting more paid help might assist.

• Are you in a financial position where a nanny/housekeeper type person is realistic?

• Couples counselling might help - he's not nasty but there's stuff that's not working for either of you so seems like the sort of situation talking with someone else to help might help. Which can include whether you work better as coparents than partners.

• You want to redistribute some of the life admin between you and your partner so he has a bit more of it.

Yes this

What’s NWD

@maw86

If this was a reverse…..

My male partner earns three times as much as me. We split our bills in proportion to our income.

We’ve been going through a bit of a drought as we’ve got two kiddos under 4, it’s been intense. I’m a creative and do a fair bit for the family. It’s intense to raise kids, work and keep the house going.

My partner is a type A driven lawyer and thinks I’m not paying him enough attention - not making him feel special enough…..

———

Some questions

Why did you never choose to marry each other?
Why did you choose to have children with him?
You contemplated building your family just over two years ago. Now you want to split it?

The money is a red herring (ok the credit card stuff is mad). Why did you get into this relationship? And what’s worth staying for?

You shouldnt stay for this reason but - you’ll be in a more unaffordable situation on your own with kids half the week and the constant pressure of absolutely everything on your own shoulders. You’re 39 so it’s likely back to the dating pool.

Rich men aren’t looking for overworked lawyers with two kids under 4. So perhaps look at what’s good in your relationship & focus on growing that.

Goes without saying - counselling, communicating, connecting, making space for each other - try it all before splitting up. Cheaper and likely more positive in long run even if you split.

You sound like a working professional man with a SAHM wife with a "creative" job/hobby that leaves you bringing in the bulk of the money. Not wrong. But I suspect the only way you will feel better is to convince him to get work that supports the family more financially and responsibly. To be a financial partner, not a dependent. And if you divorce him you'll pay the bulk of the child support and maybe even alimony so the kids have the same lifestyle.

1. You are not asking yourself the right questions. 2) You have to do the math.

Would it cost you more to take on the full expenses of the household plus additional childcare or would it be about the same?
How much will it cost you to divorce?
Under the law, will you have to support him after the divorce as the spouse who earns less?
Will you owe him child support if he has more time with them because of his schedule?

Because you work so much what will your child custody or visitation be?

You need an appointment with a divorce and custody specialist. Bring all your income records.

I’m sorry but this last sentence really makes me sad that you believe it’s not possible or normal to feel emotionally supported by the person you’ve chosen to raise a family with. My husband and our relationship is not the stuff of movies, but he is completely supportive and there for me emotionally and if he ever thought that wasn’t the case (which it sounds like your partner should) then he would be desperate to fix it. He also earns more than me and still manages to support and try to stay on top of some of the mental load. I also find the attitude towards finances a bit concerning in terms of splitting bills and paying for ‘your’ maternity leave - this needs reframing mentally, even if not financially, if you want to be a proper unit

l have come across a number of situations similar to yourself where the female partner earns a lot more than the male.

It is usually swept under the carpet under being in a modern sharing relationship. Nothing is said.

But l think some men feel inferior and trivialised by not being the main breadwinner.

This - you earn more so you resent him.
No one is perfect but MNerts seem to forget that.

Sooooo, your saying he,s a b*ard because he doesnt earn as much as you…. Poor guy…. Best of luck in the future after you,ve ditched him and try and find someone “better” - grass isnt always greener n the other side

He literally has a list of tank fillers in an email from me. They are all about me receiving and feeling looked after and nurtured. Him running a bath for me, bringing me flowers unexpectedly, making a batch cook of the one thing he makes really well, giving me a long, ‘receive only’ sensual massage, etc etc. If I get more nurturing in these ways, I can live with being the provider.

If dh had ever said anything like this to me I must admit I would have got the immediate ick

You do come across as “I am the provider. You do as I say. Here is a list of your tasks”

When in reality you are not the sole provider and wanting to feel supported is such a non specific issue that I wouldnt know what you meant. Especially if I was doing everything I could whilst holding down a full time job.

Imagine doing a 5 day week only to be also expected to do laundry, cleaning and cooking all the drop offs and a couple of the pick ups. And the food shop

One issue I see is you admit you aren’t good with money and I wonder how much time you are spending working just to pay for your rubbish financial decisions.

I think you dismiss your dp’s input and wonder how your life would look like if you were doing the same hours but then having to come home to all the stuff he currently does

Whilst you might be able to pay for all these services, or you think your dp doesn’t do a lot, it can’t be that hard, if you priced up how much these things cost are you going to end up with less money and having to do a 5th day to balance the budget.

Yes the maternity debt should have been shared however I know how bad exh’s grasp on financial decisions were and do remember feeling mightily pissed off and refusing to help when he asked for help paying off a credit card whilst he was going out and spending £35-£40 on restaurant lunches and then picking up expensive random toys, for dc when they weren’t interested in them or were not age appropriate

I would not take too much notice of your friend. I would actually be suspicious that she is planting seeds of doubt in your mind. Not unheard of for someone like this having their eye on your dh

I do think you need some sort of financial plan in place and can’t understand why if you are rubbish with money why your dp isn’t taking over the finances

FWIW exh was left in charge of the household finances for a couple of years and got us deep into debt. Within a day of me taking over I had reduced our outgoings by £1200 per month

Remember you can out earn your dp by 3:1 but honestly if you are bad with money expect that if you split he could end up better off than you

I know I did.

Also remember those potential husbands with money and who earn on a par with you might think you are a risky investment if you are crap with money. They could end up resenting you for how you spend your money

First time I post on Mumsnet. I earn more than my husband but also get home earlier and have more holidays, so end of doing a lot more with my kids. It's the source of a LOT of friction. We've found that being very open with communication has helped a bit, and we consulted a therapist. Ultimately it's been a lot of compromising: my husband has many qualities and I try to focus on those rather than his faults that drive me insane, and I guess he does the same for me! Like most couples, we have ups and downs, and I try to ride out those downs and not do anything too rash that I'd later regret. Good luck, life with young kids, work and disparities in earnings is a challenge!

If I valued traditional roles/based my respect of him on his ability to provide I wouldn't marry/pair with someone who earned 3x less than me.

Most women are hypergamous and happier that way than dating down.

Why not pick someone more successful than yourself in their field? Produce more intelligent children and not have the entire pressure of everything on you?

I have a friend who is a breadwinner like you are with an uneducated, useless partner and she's unhappy with him too.

To be honest he doesn't sound awful...just a guy who probably feels he does lots and isn't appreciated for it either. The chores u listed are the biggies in my opinion. Household admin tasks aren't anything like constantly staying on top of the laundry, dishes and tidying up.

Also there are young kids involved. They probably love their dad and want you both together. I don't think that's nothing.

And also being the higher earner you might be a lot poorer off in a divorce, watching a lot of your money and pension go to him.

Finding someone who u get along with and is a pretty decent person isn't a given in a relationship.

I'm not saying do or don't leave. I'm just saying it isn't a given that the grass will be greener elsewhere.

I was not emotionally supported by my ex. For that and a whole host of other reasons, it ended, after far too many years together. I do feel supported and considered by my current partner. Yes, it does happen. I feel more supported even with things to do with my DC by my current partner than by my ex/my DC's dad. I realized I should have set the bar much much higher. Men can and do step up! But not all, don't settle!

This is what I was thinking. Looks like he’s doing the majority of the housework. Stuff like bills, which you have on your list are largely automatic so not actually work compared with the laundry with kids those ages. Maybe try swapping some mental loads tasks for one of his grunt work tasks?

On the flip side, there’s the sunk cost fallacy. There are worse things in life than not being in a relationship, and feeling/being stuck in an unhappy one is arguably one of them.

They’re not married, so she doesn’t have to calculate whether or not it’s cheaper to keep him.

Reread the post, he is doing the bulk of the work at home.

Do you think a male breadwinner would be doing all the admin etc? Like hell he would!

You have two choices here:

• Have an honest conversation about workload and what you need.
• Work on an exit plan and leave.

i think it’s your job not your DH and your taking it out on him
tbh I’m sure he’s picked up he’s the taking the flack for your frustration which in effect will be pushing him away
Sounds like he’s picking up his share

He should be paying towards the debt you incurred. If you hadn't done that, who would have picked up the pieces