Is not giving a child any presents for their birthday a as punishment fair?

[ambergot]

I met a mum friend for a play date in the park after school last night and her dd was quite mean to my son, calling him fat which he is not, stupid and and idiot and swearing at him.
I ended up taking him home and this mum was hugely apologetic.
I was talking to the mum in the school playground this morning and she explained her daughter has been quite challenging lately, she’s in the process of having her assessed for ADHD and odd and as a consequence for the way she was with my son and the fact she refused to apologise she has said she won’t be getting any birthday presents next week.
I thought this was a bit harsh but didn’t want to get involved.
It’s not a punishment I would implement but then I don’t have a child with adhd and odd so I don’t know if she’s being unfair or does that sound reasonable in those circumstances?

Genuinely awful and inappropriate

They've got to learn. Saves a load of money too, hopefully they'll do something naughty again just before Christmas....

I'm all for actions have consequences but no presents on their birthday is a bit harsh. There obviously must have been some lead up to her losing that e.g. she's lost other things for other behaviour before that but its still pretty harsh.

I have a son who is awaiting an autism diagnosis, and I also strongly believe he has ODD and PDA profiles alongside autism.

I would never, ever in my wildest dreams withdraw birthday or Christmas presents as a form of punishment. General toys that I'd buy as a treat? Definitely. But not birthday or Christmas presents. I think it's unnecessary and cruel.

I wouldn't punish any child in that way, but least of all a child who might be struggling to regulate their behaviour because of an underlying issue.

I hope that someone offers that mother some parenting advice. She needs it.

Did she actually mean it though? I can imagine people saying that but not doing it

That’s what I thought and as much as it’s none of my business I feel kind of responsible that it was a play date with my son that’s caused this, at the same time I think a natural consequence will be that my son probably won’t play with her again but I don’t want to say this.

It’s high unlikely the child SIL make the link between her behaviour and no birthday gifts, so it’s not even effective as a punishment.

Teenager deliberately damages stuff... natural consequence punishment

Small chhild with unregulated SEN... hell no.

No, I think that's a really nasty punishment. You don't have many childhood birthdays in your life - your family should make the most of them.

I wouldn’t do this as a punishment with birthday/Christmas presents personally, if nothing else the fact that it’s next week means a child isn’t going to actually connect the bad behaviour with the punishment anyway so it’s pointless.

i think she's probably just telling you that because she wants you to think she's taking it seriuosly and she's worried you'll think she's a shit parent.

Nope is unnecessarily cruel.
Punishment needs to be related and at that point in time especially for that age.

It’s difficult to really take an outside position. It does sound fairly cruel objectively: but she’s probably at her wits’ end with her DD’s atrocious behaviour, has tried all kinds of behavioural management techniques, reward systems, sanctions, and is now at the stage of desperately wanting anything which might work. And probably also a bit to make her DD understand how hurtful her behaviour is, and what it feels like to have somebody do something very hurtful towards her. I suspect she’ll also rethink things before the birthday, because she loves her DD, and not go through with it.

That child will not associate loss of presents in a week's time with having been mean yesterday. She will just feel hurt and upset and have no understanding of why she is being punished. There does need to be a consequence but it would have had more impact if she had taken the girl home and not allowed her the fun on the day.

It depends how terrible she has been. You may not have even seen the half of it. That said if she does have a special need then maybe they have not dealt with it appropriately and as such her behaviour has escalated. It is a tough one but to be honest not your house not your children. The only caveat to this is obviously abuse which I don't think this is. These are consequences.

A young child won’t understand the link between behaviour and lack of presents - punishments need to be in the moment not a week later. And if she has ADHD then she is punishing her for having a disability.

I know if a kid who had his head shaved as a punishment for whacking another kid with a cricket bat.

It's awful and excessive

What is the mum thinking? What an awful way to treat a child. She is going to escalate bad behaviour by using totally inappropriate punishments.

If she's planning to tell her DC on the day that they are not getting presents because of how they treated your DC, I would be worried her DC will blame yours for the lack of presents.

Oh my goodness, that’s awful.

I knew a child who didn't get any Christmas presents one year for being mean to her brother.

just Because an incident takes place near a celebration, doesn’t mean that celebration should be in play for use as punishment. If you wouldn’t take away a birthday 11 months from now, you shouldn’t take away a birthday this week. I really can’t think of an infraction worthy of a punishment that can’t be paused for a birthday or Christmas.

Yes, it’s a bit much. There are many other consequences she could put in place instead of that.

No it's awful. Vindictive and punitive. That kind of punishment will only breed resentment, it won't correct behaviour.