Is not giving a child any presents for their birthday a as punishment fair?

[ambergot]

I met a mum friend for a play date in the park after school last night and her dd was quite mean to my son, calling him fat which he is not, stupid and and idiot and swearing at him.
I ended up taking him home and this mum was hugely apologetic.
I was talking to the mum in the school playground this morning and she explained her daughter has been quite challenging lately, she’s in the process of having her assessed for ADHD and odd and as a consequence for the way she was with my son and the fact she refused to apologise she has said she won’t be getting any birthday presents next week.
I thought this was a bit harsh but didn’t want to get involved.
It’s not a punishment I would implement but then I don’t have a child with adhd and odd so I don’t know if she’s being unfair or does that sound reasonable in those circumstances?

I haven't done anything like this but we don't know the full story of how it got to this point. Maybe they have overindulged the child and she is a complete brat because she gets everything she wants. Maybe she has been doing more and more serious things.
There has to be consequences to actions. Maybe this is the final straw in escalating behaviour.

I think the punishment should be directly related to the crime. Perhaps missing the next trip to the park would be more appropriate.

Poor kid. Assuming she's quite young still.

A punishment a week away is pointless imo and it also models spitefulness and grudge holding.

Where is her motivation to change her behaviour or apologise over the next week?

The people who do this sort of thing parent in a way that lead their children to act this way in the first place.

An idea I like is that everytime you’re very naughty Santa exchanges one of your presents for a lump of Coal. So this mum could still give some presents and one lump of coal to show that something is missing - they’ll care and wonder what, but still have a decent Xmas

Yes she’s young, sorry I forgot to say her age she is 6 will be 7.

Sounds very harsh to me. Not a punishment that I would inflict on a young child.

I don't think I would want to buy this much coal for a years worth of naughtiness for my kids 😂

No birthday presents is definitely too harsh.
Realistically though, the Mum is probably lying and saying it so you know she’s taking action.

I can’t imagine many people actually not giving birthday presents to their kids.

I think punishments depends on the age of the child so this is quite important (eg would expect an older child to have more pf an appreciation of how their words can hurt)

But in my view that's an absolutely over the top punishment and isn't going to help with the behaviour at all. Particularly with a child who is likely to have ADHD which will lead to poor impulse control - she may be punishing them for having a disability. Which is awful.

Punishments should be proportionate, explained in advance, and immediate or closely after the event for young kids. This does not sound like any of those things. Surely she'd be better working at strategies of how to cope with frustration etc

I am guessing she is at the end of her tether and very embarrassed and is trying to show you that she doesn't accept this behavior and is taking it seriously. So I would say something along the lines of you understand that ita tough but your child is ok so please don't think she has to punish on account of effect on your child type thing (someone else can probably word it better)

Jeez that’s harsh. There’s no correlation between punishment and action, even if it’s an empty threat. Add in that it’s a week later and this little girl is just going to be confused, upset and feel unloved on her birthday

She’s 6?! Wow. I mean, this is cruel and awful anyway, but for a 6year old?! And one with suspected additional needs as well?

I think I’d be inclined to try and speak to the mother again and let her know you don’t think the punishment is necessary, or I might even potentially mention it to the class teacher, so maybe mum can get more support/education on more effective strategies.

It will be so confusing for the child, really upsetting.

This is exactly what I thought.

Over the top, I think the punishment for bad behaviour should be put in place at the time not a week later.

What a stupid punishment.

Completely unrelated to the "crime", and isn't actually going to take effect for a week, so totally meaningless for a child with ADHD.

Punishments need to be immediate and connected. I'd have removed her from the play place if she was being rude. Can't behave? = no fun!

No presents is disconnected and next week. Just useless and mean.

Buy the present then avoid playdates.

Awful - even worse as the child is currently being assessed.

A teenager who's royally screwed up? Sure.

A little kid... probably not. They only get so many at the end of the day. The threat of it usually kept me in line 😅

I agree with a PP, she's probably saying this to appease you and likely won't go through with it. She just wants to show you solidarity and that she's taken her child's behaviour seriously.

I have an ADHD boy and by God yes when he's been disregulated under immense pressure (caused by a house move) he'd done some awful things, but no I'd never do this, even if I felt like it in the moment!

That seems cruel. Hopefully the mum will mellow before the birthday.

Hopefully wider family won't take the same view. Can you imagine asking a kid, what theu got for birthday and the answer is 'nothing' because the kid isn't going to remember why they got nothing

Completely wrong and unforgivable to do that to a child. It's impossible to know whether the little girl has a disability, but a punishment like this is 100% wrong for any child, NT or ND. I also wonder whether her behaviour may be related to the harsh way she is treated by her parents. Of course name-calling is unacceptable, but the response of the mother is appalling. There are far better, more constructive approaches than a draconian punishment for a little girl just turning 7.

No it's not appropriate at all

Honestly I would have looked shocked and said oh no I couldn’t do that. And then left it at that.

Having SEN isn’t a get out of jail free card!! Zero excuses for behavior! Underatanding yes on some of them but children with sen can still be nasty little fuckers and bullies and it’s NOT the sen that is jut their personality and you need to be a lot more strict and have more boundaries and rules.