Is not giving a child any presents for their birthday a as punishment fair?

[ambergot]

I met a mum friend for a play date in the park after school last night and her dd was quite mean to my son, calling him fat which he is not, stupid and and idiot and swearing at him.
I ended up taking him home and this mum was hugely apologetic.
I was talking to the mum in the school playground this morning and she explained her daughter has been quite challenging lately, she’s in the process of having her assessed for ADHD and odd and as a consequence for the way she was with my son and the fact she refused to apologise she has said she won’t be getting any birthday presents next week.
I thought this was a bit harsh but didn’t want to get involved.
It’s not a punishment I would implement but then I don’t have a child with adhd and odd so I don’t know if she’s being unfair or does that sound reasonable in those circumstances?

Noooo that's such a hurtful thing to do and even more pointless when the birthday isn't for another week or so.
Seems so cruel.
I think it's the lazy way out tbh. A demonstration of being 'strict' but little effort actually put in to think about something more relevant and meaningful. When I see the parent is this cruel it does make me wonder where the child heard the insults they dished out. Sad all round actually.

It shouldn't be your job, but in your position OP I would contact the mother and tell her frankly that this is too harsh and that she should reconsider. It takes a village and we do have a responsibility to step in when a child is being harmed (and this would cause emotional harm).

The child won't remember being mean to your son but they will remember how it felt not to be celebrated on their birthday. Absolutely terrible

Disgusting. Some people should never have become parents.

Yeah, I always contrive to fall out with people just before Christmas so that I don't have to buy them any presents.

But when it comes to children I think it is mean to punish them by withholding presents. No wonder the kid behaves the ways he does.

Valid as a punishment after other options have been tried and unacceptable behaviour continues.

On my 7th birthday I received a space hopper. Brother wanted a go first I started to cry and dad burst it with a screwdriver. I'm now 65 and I can still remember the upset. Hated getting presents ever since.

I do not think withholding birthday presents is a good idea. It's cruel and sends a horrible message to the child.
That child will not remember that they had been naughty but remember they didn't get a present for their birthday.

On the other hand, at least part of the child’s behaviour problems could be because she uses extreme punishments that are unfair and too disconnected from the poor behaviour in substance and timing to make sense to the child and be effective.

Parents who threaten these extreme punishments often don’t actually follow through so the child learns not to take any notice of her anyway. Then she thinks the problem is all in the child and puts all her energy into chasing a diagnosis rather than looking at how to improve her parenting of a child who may or may not need ‘special’ techniques for a ‘special’ need.

Maybe she was just having a bad day and maybe she’s usually a brilliant parent with well-considered behaviour management with a child who is substantially harder than average to parent. Or maybe I’m just a former primary and special school teacher who’s is a bit frustrated with the zeitgeist of so much time and money being spent labelling kids rather than spending it on supporting good parenting and kind people in classrooms to help kids.

It's a very cruel and completely inappropriate punishment.
The message that the child will get is that she doesn't matter.
Celebrating a birthday should be completely separate from sanctions for behaviour.

Very unfair. Downright mean and nasty.

It's the sort of thing you'd remember for the rest of your life, that you got no presents for your 7th birthday.

Absolutely horrible and I imagine some of the behaviour stems from a lack of connection, which this won’t help at all. Sounds like she’s angry and stuff like that would fuel it. Also I always think consequences for actions are better and put it in context- eg horrible to people at the park we leave the park and I’d also ask why they said it. Also positive reinforcement e.g kindness jar or something.

I would agree it’s harsh- but also the poor mum is maybe just at the end of her tether

Thats still mean.
Why would anyone want to put a dampener on Christmas and Santa?
Children, really only get 4 or 5 Christmases where they are old enough to understand and young enough to believe.

For some children they would 100% focus on the coal and be heartbroken. Nothing else would matter, just the coal, and Santa thinking they were naughty - gifts from Gran and Auntie wouldn't matter!

Apologies I voted the wrong way - it’s not appropriate to use kids birthday presents as punishment - in most cases no matter what they’ve done but esp in this instance

Awful, awful and unspeakably cruel. Poor little girl.

To be honest I’d be reporting that to the girls school. If she’s speaking cruelly that’s not ADHD - that’s language she’s hearing from her parents and repeating.

If you can, please keep an eye out for her. Maybe say to the Mum you don’t want her not getting gifts on your son’s account.

It speaks volumes about the parent if they think that is any sort of reasonable punishment.

It's something I might do with a teenager as a last resort but not to a child that age. It bears no relationship to the transgression and is too far apart from the incident. Consequences should be connected to the behaviour and preferably immediate.

“I don’t want to get involved” but you are in as it’s because of the way the girl has treated your son that’s instigated this punishment. However much I don’t want to interfere with other peoples parenting I think they are times we are given openings to say something, this is one. My response would be “that’s harsh, my son was fine and I don’t want your dd to think your son is responsible for her loosing birthday presents”, which a young child will, they won’t think o dam that’s my fault, they will think that horrible boy got me in trouble.

That is if she actually follows through, I know lots of parents who talk the big talk on how they raise their children m actions have consequences but when it comes to i5 they never follow through which is why their kids are always the same kids getting in trouble.

Yeah it is - that's why barely anybody actually uses that as a threat any more, it's an outdated relic.

And even when people do (or did) use it as a threat very few people would actually follow through with it.

Exactly

That’s horrible and I’m stunned you decided to say nothing. For me it’s abusive and no way can I just stand there and nod when a child is being treated like this.

Unless the other mum was testing uou, said it and is now going to tell everyone her child has a suspected disability you were not happy about the treatment and when she said no gifts you jist accepted it like that was suitable and tell all the other mums that’d who you are.

It won't work. It's cruel to any kids. Never mind one with ADHD.

She's setting her kid up for RSD and it'll be lifelong and painful.

I'd actually have a word tbh. She probably doesn't know what to do with her kid.

Nasty . But then, it's obviously the intention behind your post .

My child is awaiting assessment for similar circumstances. I would tell him off and then let natural consequences take care of the rest.

Its already painful as a Mum to see him having to deal with the social implications of his impulsiveness. The way other children respond is teaching him to try and regulate in public. Social isolation is no fun.

Its my job to love him, explain how his actions make other children feel and help him make good.

I wouldn't take his birthday presents.