AIBU protecting my time rigidly like this?

[ragandbonewoman]

Like many women I have been a people pleaser for years. Accommodating the needs of others where I possibly can, bending and flexing to keep everyone happy.

My kids are nearly adults, and my life is probably the easiest it’s ever been. I love to sleep, I work full time in a full on role, and I decided a couple years back to prioritise what I actually want, rather than what I think would be best for everyone else.

I now don’t plan anything weekday evenings if I have work the next day. So Monday to Thursday. I’m so much happier knowing that I have this time ring fenced to wind down, recharge and get as much sleep as I want. My weekends are really busy socially, with DH, the kids, my own family (big family) and my friends, and I love that.

Some friends really get and respect my decision. Others I feel are really judging me, and just refusing to accept it, responding with “well you just let me know what weekday eves you’re free and I’ll work around you” and “well what about after work until 7, surely you don’t go to bed at 7?!” I feel like I have to keep repeating myself bordering on being rude, and am forced to keep saying “yes I know that I could, but I really don’t want to!”

Tonight I said to a group of friends in a chat (struggling to find an evening to have a takeaway) “you guys just carry on with that date and I’ll catch up with you on the next Saturday catch up” and my friend said oh for goodness sake if you’re that exhausted we will come to yours for the takeaway then you haven’t even got to leave the sofa!” Which totally misses the point, I have spelled it out many times, I won’t make plans weekday evenings! And no I won’t be the slightest bit offended if you crack on without me!

I told this particular friend last time she pushed like this that if she needed me (like something emergency ish) then of course I’d be there like a shot, but I won’t make plans weekday evenings.
i feel like I’m going to ruin our friendship by having to be really rude.

surely I can’t be the only menopausal women who has finally decide to put myself first and stop doing things I don’t want or enjoy to please other people?

I haven’t made plans on a week day evening for years. My work is full on and that’s the way I cope and balance everything. Great boundary.

Can’t you just say you’re busy with family stuff in the evenings rather than making it clear you just don’t want to socialise? It’d be easier all round

I just feel like that invites the alternative suggestions I find so infuriating like “well what evenings are not so busy?” or “now the DC are going to uni you can’t still be busy with family stuff” etc, I just want a blanket no to Monday -Thursday that everyone accepts

It's a great stance, however you have to accept that your friends may (eventually) stop asking you to weekday things, which is likely to lead to them stopping inviting you to things completely.

I think you need to accept you will likely loose friends by refusing to ever put yourself out for them

I also don’t do it, haven’t for over a decade. I don’t actually go out in the evening any more.

You are going to lose friends.

I understand your usual is to avoid doing anything social on a weekday, but you can’t expect all your friends to be able to accommodate that every time.

Your time is precious, but do you really need all weekday evenings all the time? How can it hurt to do a weekday night with friends once a month, or every other month?

You are acting like you don’t want to put forth any effort or inconvenience yourself at all in order to nourish your friendships.

Would you put up with a friend that rigidly said no way to all weekend evenings?
No, you’d push a bit and if it persisted, you’d think well I guess they aren’t my friend after all as they can’t even sacrifice one weekend day in six months to see me!

Or you’ll just end up with mates who can respect your boundaries

Well, I think that the problem with being really black or white like this is that what if something comes along that you really want to do that’s midweek only? Youll seem a hypocrite. Nothing wrong with saying “I don’t make plans” but surely it’s ok to break that every now and then? You can make the odd exception, can you not, to do something enjoyable? Not sure if having a takeaway with mates is really that exhausting!

If I set this rule, I’d miss a lot of cricket and football. Also, I’d miss out on a couple of comedy acts we are going to see locally (biggish names who often use the local theatre to do warm up gigs) with DH and a couple of shows we have booked. None of them go on particularly late and I still get all the sleep.
Like a PP says, you do risk being left out of everything long term by your friends. Sure, you’ll get more sleep but life might not be as exciting or fun.

This is such a fair point. I think that is exactly what some friends are thinking- why can’t I just put myself out every once in a while? But I know it wouldn’t stop
there. My parents and siblings have just about accepted this, they would be like “saw you on Facebook out with your mates tuesday, but you wouldn’t come to my charity bingo event last weds”

selfishly I think maybe I would lose friends to maintain this peace that I love so much

I think its a bit inflexible. If there was no other time to see friends I'd make time in the week.

I think it’s nice that your friends are so keen to see you! And that you have such a busy social life! If I tell people I’m busy on a particular night and to go ahead without me they usually do rather than finding a way to bend over backwards so I can join in 😊

I have always preferred to avoid social events during the week, but I will do it every now and again just because I know that works better for certain friendships. It’s all about give and take I think, and whilst I agree it’s more tiring I feel that one weekday evening social event per fortnight isn’t going to kill me…

Just say you are busy weekend evenings because it’s true, even if it’s not a typical reason for being busy.

I would take the long view here OP- you won't always work FT and when you're retired you'll have lots of time to fill and it will be awful if your friends have drifted away! I feel the same as you- i HATE doing things in the evenings when I have work the next day- but I'll do it once or twice a month and I usually start to enjoy whatever the plan is once I'm in it. It's nice your friends want you so much!

It’s obviously fine to do this if it’s what you really want, but you should be aware that you won’t have any friends after a while. People stop asking if you can never make it. People like to be friends with people they get to actually see from time to time. You’re making it very clear they aren’t any kind of priority to you. Which is hurtful.

@Alwayslurkingsometimespostingand @peoplegetreadyforthetrainyou are right, I know I’m horribly ungrateful and that I’m really lucky! I have a lot of separate groups of friends, some have continued since our kids were tiny. I wish I still
felt the same and actually wanted to do this stuff

This makes me feel really boring but im early 30s and I always refer to my work evenings as school nights! I never plan anything on a school night! I finish at 6 and by the time ive got back from work, walked the dog, made tea, cleaned up and made tomorrow's lunches its bedtime. How do people fit it in?!

Second thread tonight where I'm saying this

If you don't want to see your friends, please tell them and don't string them along for years. You'll be doing them a favour.

You're entitled to live how you want to live. But stringing people along is not right.

Doubtful. Who wants a friend who can't be arsed to see them.

It’s not that I don’t want to see them at all. I just want to plan things at the weekend. I don’t have any friends that have to work weekends and we always have a great time. We also go away overnight and really enjoy each others’ company

But you said you were prepared to lose friends and you also said "My weekends are really busy socially, with DH, the kids, my own family (big family) and my friends, and I love that."

I'm sorry if I misinterpreted you. I thought the people who were getting in touch with you, you didn't want to see at all.

if all it is is you can't meet Monday to Thursday, I think that's totally reasonable. Your explanation doesn't make that too clear.

I don't make weekday plans either and neither do my friends usually. However if there was an event on that I fancied then I would bend my own rule.

However, I've never actually said this rule out loud. I protect my time (any time of week or year) by saying "thank you for the invite but I can't make that. See you at the next meet up. ☺️"

Otherwise whatever reason you give, people try and come up with solutions to make it work. You don't have to explain yourself every time. However, I do agree with PP a bit of flexibility would be helpful now and then.

The problem here isn’t that you’re saying no.
Its the fact you’ve explained why and it isn’t a socially acceptable and accepted reason.

This situation is exactly the time when you need to be economicall in what you say. And just say ‘nope, I’m not available’
If people can’t cope with you not going out during the week, then you’re not compatible.
(fwiw I dint know many people with older teens who go out during the week either. Even if until 7pm/just a takeaway until 10.00pm etc…. Most people are tired, running around between work, doing housework, keeping an eye on said teenagers etc….and barely catch their breath)

Ugh!
The thought of a pile of people barging into my home with stinking takeaways on a weeknight is even worse than hauling myself out into the cold.
She's a CF to suggest that.
Absolutely not.
You stay put OP and enjoy your evenings 💤

Not wanting to see people from Monday to Thursday is hardly not wanting to see them though. Or stringing them along.

The OP is happy to see them and does at the weekend - she mentioned saying ‘go ahead go well see each other the following Saturday’

Theres little wrong about not being available during the week. Nothimg to do with ‘not wanting to see those friends’. That’s just taking someone personal decision very personally