AIBU protecting my time rigidly like this?

[ragandbonewoman]

Like many women I have been a people pleaser for years. Accommodating the needs of others where I possibly can, bending and flexing to keep everyone happy.

My kids are nearly adults, and my life is probably the easiest it’s ever been. I love to sleep, I work full time in a full on role, and I decided a couple years back to prioritise what I actually want, rather than what I think would be best for everyone else.

I now don’t plan anything weekday evenings if I have work the next day. So Monday to Thursday. I’m so much happier knowing that I have this time ring fenced to wind down, recharge and get as much sleep as I want. My weekends are really busy socially, with DH, the kids, my own family (big family) and my friends, and I love that.

Some friends really get and respect my decision. Others I feel are really judging me, and just refusing to accept it, responding with “well you just let me know what weekday eves you’re free and I’ll work around you” and “well what about after work until 7, surely you don’t go to bed at 7?!” I feel like I have to keep repeating myself bordering on being rude, and am forced to keep saying “yes I know that I could, but I really don’t want to!”

Tonight I said to a group of friends in a chat (struggling to find an evening to have a takeaway) “you guys just carry on with that date and I’ll catch up with you on the next Saturday catch up” and my friend said oh for goodness sake if you’re that exhausted we will come to yours for the takeaway then you haven’t even got to leave the sofa!” Which totally misses the point, I have spelled it out many times, I won’t make plans weekday evenings! And no I won’t be the slightest bit offended if you crack on without me!

I told this particular friend last time she pushed like this that if she needed me (like something emergency ish) then of course I’d be there like a shot, but I won’t make plans weekday evenings.
i feel like I’m going to ruin our friendship by having to be really rude.

surely I can’t be the only menopausal women who has finally decide to put myself first and stop doing things I don’t want or enjoy to please other people?

I expect that if you stop going out with different groups and putting boundaries in place that means you rarely see people then a lot of your groups of friends will eventually stop asking you out because they only ever hear the answer No. Even if an event just happened to fall on a weekend, by that time you will be a distant memory.

It will be a very gradual process. You need to be happy about the prospect of eventually having no one.

I think you sound precious.

Fair enough, thank god we have the freedom to organise our lives the way we like it.

I do think you are a bit precious, but I think a lot of posters on here are - can't go out, can't change their routine, can't have friends over, can't stay in other people's home, they do sound exhausting.

If it works for you, great. I believe that friendship is not a one-way street, and personally I would be aware that some of my friends have commitments over the weekend, others work shifts and that "Saturday only" is too restrictive.

I also don't understand adults (or even kids) who can't go to bed slightly later or get up earlier. I can't imagine being so inflexible and how that would even work.

Would it bother me if you were my friend? No, but I would just accept that I'd never see you. If you only accept "Saturdays", I am not sure I would bother inviting you full stop, sounds too complicated.

I know she's not saying that nobody can; but she also has to understand that maybe it's more annoying for some of her friends to go out at the weekend, but they do it to sustain friendships, including with her.

So fine, don't do it, but also don't be surprised if your friends stop accommodating you. Maybe they'll all just go out on weeknights.

I'm just 😮at the number of people who seem to be invited to things every other week. The last time I went out out was between Christmas and new year. I can go weeks and not hear from anyone other than family, work and school. I have to admit I would probably now find it suffocating to have people always wanting to see me. I need as much rest and recharge as I can to cope with my kids (SEN) and work. The main friend I see is also perimenopausal and has a child with SEN so she gets it. It's maybe a case of aligning expectations?

I think your post makes obvious why people aren’t contacting you regularly/ asking you out? People can obviously sense when you don’t want it.

I need at least one evening out a week and 13 days is my absolute maximum for staying in.

I think it is fine to have boundaries, but I think sticking rigidly to them with absolutely no willingness to even consider occasional flexibility is usually problematic within a friendship. Especially if the lack of flexibility is only in one side, as it can come across as that person wanting all on their terms, which tends to appear very self-centred. I’m not saying you necessarily are, but that your friends might be perceiving your inflexibility this way.

All friendships are different in terms of how they operate (how often you meet up/call/message, what you do etc) and so some friends meet up rarely, others might see each other once a week, some more than that- I think it’s the “norm” that is created for that group that matters, not necessarily how it compares to what other do. Of course, the “norm” can change over time, to a greater or lesser extent. I think the issue is if one person suddenly wants to alter the “norm” and others don’t, it can cause friction. That doesn’t necessarily mean either is wrong, just that perhaps your friendship has run its course if you both can’t find a compromise.

Friendships do require give and take, and in contrast your stance seems very black and white. I know you say “just go ahead without me, I don’t mind”- and I think that what you are trying to do is not try and put a spanner in the works by preventing the rest meeting up because you won’t be there (which would be unfair). However, I believe you might be missing is that this stance might interpreted by some as “I am happy enough to meet up if it suits me, and I’ll enjoy it- but the truth is that I am really not at all bothered if I see you or not”, which could be hurtful if done repeatedly. It could be perceived by your friends that you don’t value their friendship enough to bend occasionally- essentially they feel they aren’t prepared to ever prioritise them and are not very important to you. Or perhaps they think you are trying to distance yourself, albeit slowly, from the group. I’m not saying the interpretation or perception is actually how you do feel, just that it might explain why your friendship group appear to be communicating to you that there is some issue with what is happening. And that if left unaddressed, this might lead to you becoming more distanced from your friend, or eventually dropping away from the group. That may or may not be of any importance to you. Only you can decide whether an occasional meet up on a weekday is something you are prepared to compromise on or not.

My understanding of your post is that you have a number of friendship groups so it seems more likely that you aren’t meeting with each group most weekends- for instance your next face to face get together with one group is not until 13th December. I think not being able to compromise and see them one weekday in the next 9-10 weeks comes across as a bit… disinterested, I guess. It certainly does not seem like they are in any way any sort of priority to you (and that’s fine, if that is how you feel- you aren’t obliged to prioritise friends/stay friends with anyone).

I think it is also clear that at least some of your friends do feel unhappy with this inability to ever have flexibility. Again, what you do is entirely your choice, but I think if your friendships are meaningful to you, perhaps some reflection on why your friends are discontent with what is currently happening might be in order. And perhaps, some consideration as to whether they have a point and if there is any room for compromise? I’m not saying you always agree to what everyone else wants, of course not, but could the odd compromise be manageable?

If there was something you really wanted to do, would you bend your own rule, or miss out? If you would, I think this possibly reflects that some of friends are not hugely important to you. Which is fine, not everyone wants or needs a friendship group and are happy with a few like-minded friends who have similar priorities.

I think the bottom line you need to be clear about what you want/what are your priorities. If your absolute priority is ring-fencing weekday nights in, with no room for compromise other than in an absolute emergency, that is an absolutely valid position to take. However, you also need to be accepting that this may impact on your friendships. If your friendships are actually quite important, perhaps you need to allow some degree of flexibility into your schedule.