AIBU protecting my time rigidly like this?

[ragandbonewoman]

Like many women I have been a people pleaser for years. Accommodating the needs of others where I possibly can, bending and flexing to keep everyone happy.

My kids are nearly adults, and my life is probably the easiest it’s ever been. I love to sleep, I work full time in a full on role, and I decided a couple years back to prioritise what I actually want, rather than what I think would be best for everyone else.

I now don’t plan anything weekday evenings if I have work the next day. So Monday to Thursday. I’m so much happier knowing that I have this time ring fenced to wind down, recharge and get as much sleep as I want. My weekends are really busy socially, with DH, the kids, my own family (big family) and my friends, and I love that.

Some friends really get and respect my decision. Others I feel are really judging me, and just refusing to accept it, responding with “well you just let me know what weekday eves you’re free and I’ll work around you” and “well what about after work until 7, surely you don’t go to bed at 7?!” I feel like I have to keep repeating myself bordering on being rude, and am forced to keep saying “yes I know that I could, but I really don’t want to!”

Tonight I said to a group of friends in a chat (struggling to find an evening to have a takeaway) “you guys just carry on with that date and I’ll catch up with you on the next Saturday catch up” and my friend said oh for goodness sake if you’re that exhausted we will come to yours for the takeaway then you haven’t even got to leave the sofa!” Which totally misses the point, I have spelled it out many times, I won’t make plans weekday evenings! And no I won’t be the slightest bit offended if you crack on without me!

I told this particular friend last time she pushed like this that if she needed me (like something emergency ish) then of course I’d be there like a shot, but I won’t make plans weekday evenings.
i feel like I’m going to ruin our friendship by having to be really rude.

surely I can’t be the only menopausal women who has finally decide to put myself first and stop doing things I don’t want or enjoy to please other people?

I don’t think it’s an issue if you’re seeing each other at weekends- I didn’t pick up that you were doing this.

That is a fair point. I accept what many people have said that I may lose friends if I don’t make more effort

Tell them you have a lover who takes up all your time and energy...

🤗

I started fiercely protecting my time, energy and putting myself first at 42.
Something just clicked.
I don't have children, but still one elderly parent in a different country and obviously a husband.
Absolutely YANBU!

The framing of the AIBU in the original post is off (to me).
I never meet my friends to please them.
I meet them because it pleases me to see them.

So even when I have gone out when I am knackered or have things on my mind I'm not doing that to be a people pleaser.

That's me knowing that I always come away from an evening with them feeling better than when I arrived. I might have to be the first to leave or I might be tired the next day. But the benefit outweighs the negative.

I do turn down invitations when they dont work for me. I just dont need a rule about it.

Horses for courses etc.

Aren't the OP's kids at uni?

I have a friend like this and they also have a new boundary about not buying a birthday card or present from anyone (money isn't the issue), it is a bit hurtful to the group especially those closer to her. Friendship to me is a bit about making an effort, it's not just take, take, take and your own boundaries.

I don’t like going out on work nights as I have a really stressful job which means I just want to veg out in the evening. But I definitely make exceptions as otherwise I would miss out on lots of enjoyable things. Quick drink with friends. Local comedy or music. I absolutely inwardly groan when I need to go out on a work night, but I think it’s worth it every now and again. You need to be a bit looser OP.

To be fair I work 7 - 3 from home so it is a lot easier for me

Op we have done this for years. Everyone with a serious career does the same. It’s not possible to do everything, and it seems you have found a balance that works for you.

I have friends that jet in and out often make our gatherings once every few months. No one minds.

What I find striking is your friends not respecting your boundaries. It’s your life op. You can choose what is right for you. I actually felt quite cross reading some of their pa comments. If they truly cared they would want you to look after yourself and wouldn’t put pressure on you.

I only go out at weekends, and even then not that as often as I used to. We still get invited everywhere. I would remain true to yourself op. If one or two feel entitled to your time during the week, well that’s their problem. Quite frankly.

Perhaps stop over explaining.
if anyone asks just bat it away with a joke, if they persist have a direct word quietly.

They are not your call on demand therapist to ‘lean’ on when it suits you wth!

'Everyone with a serious career' not in my case or DH's, both have serious careers but will go straight to meet up from said serious careers.

So make the rule you will do one evening thing month to your family and that ring fenced for friends

Well good for you but we have an early start at 5am. So we won’t be going to meet ups. We want to spend time with our teen dc and unwind.

why should she (or anyone) lie?

well yes but surely friends should enhance your life and you theirs? Its sounds to me as though your "nagging" friends are simply not a good fit for you, nor you for them at this stage in your life.

oh well said!

So you won't put yourself out for your friends on a week night, but you expect them to put themselves out at the weekend to socialise with you? They may have equally busy weekends with their families, elderly parents etc, or they just want to wind down.
We find meeting after work for early doors dinner/drinks works well for us. You can then get home reasonably early to wind down before you go to bed. Friendship should be give and take, but you seem to want it all on your terms or not at all. Stick with your boundaries if that's what's best for you, but dont come back to mumsnet in a year's time bleating that all your friends have drifted away.

Of course they’re not. They’re…. Friends.

Some people really can’t stand the idea that people can choose. It doesn’t mean you will lose all of your friends! Once you hit your 50s and beyond most will need to make adjustments to a really busy social life. I have also noticed it is not static some decades are easier than others. Real friends are with you throughout it all.

I didn't see the OP placing any expectations on her friends or nagging them if they decline a weekend meet up

and this from the OP's post
" told this particular friend last time she pushed like this that if she needed me (like something emergency ish) then of course I’d be there like a shot, but I won’t make plans weekday evenings."

You are lucky to have good friends. Don't push the away or you might end up with none.

good friends understand what their friends are saying and don't nag.

No I really don’t, in fact when someone can’t make it I am quite grateful as I feel it takes the heat off me, I seem to be standing out at the moment and every time I say I’m not coming to something I sense this invisible eye roll, it’s hard to explain. I have also been called “flaky” (in a jokey way) a few times even though I’m actually not, I never dither or pull out last minute I just say I won’t be coming from the outset

If this boundary is working well for you at this time in your life, then it’s defo ok to stick with it. But unfortunately, like a lot of things in life, it doesn’t come hassle-free. Some people will struggle to come to grips with the idea. That doesn’t mean you need to give it up, maybe just be as patient with them as you can be.