AIBU protecting my time rigidly like this?

[ragandbonewoman]

Like many women I have been a people pleaser for years. Accommodating the needs of others where I possibly can, bending and flexing to keep everyone happy.

My kids are nearly adults, and my life is probably the easiest it’s ever been. I love to sleep, I work full time in a full on role, and I decided a couple years back to prioritise what I actually want, rather than what I think would be best for everyone else.

I now don’t plan anything weekday evenings if I have work the next day. So Monday to Thursday. I’m so much happier knowing that I have this time ring fenced to wind down, recharge and get as much sleep as I want. My weekends are really busy socially, with DH, the kids, my own family (big family) and my friends, and I love that.

Some friends really get and respect my decision. Others I feel are really judging me, and just refusing to accept it, responding with “well you just let me know what weekday eves you’re free and I’ll work around you” and “well what about after work until 7, surely you don’t go to bed at 7?!” I feel like I have to keep repeating myself bordering on being rude, and am forced to keep saying “yes I know that I could, but I really don’t want to!”

Tonight I said to a group of friends in a chat (struggling to find an evening to have a takeaway) “you guys just carry on with that date and I’ll catch up with you on the next Saturday catch up” and my friend said oh for goodness sake if you’re that exhausted we will come to yours for the takeaway then you haven’t even got to leave the sofa!” Which totally misses the point, I have spelled it out many times, I won’t make plans weekday evenings! And no I won’t be the slightest bit offended if you crack on without me!

I told this particular friend last time she pushed like this that if she needed me (like something emergency ish) then of course I’d be there like a shot, but I won’t make plans weekday evenings.
i feel like I’m going to ruin our friendship by having to be really rude.

surely I can’t be the only menopausal women who has finally decide to put myself first and stop doing things I don’t want or enjoy to please other people?

I don’t think that’s the case. How can you really have friends you don’t see? How can OP keep up with their lives, support them, help them through their issues and problems, celebrate their achievements?

of course they’re unlikely to dump her the first time she says “no I don’t do weekdays”.
But after say, 3 years, of OP refusing to socialise unless it’s on suitable dates for her, it would be perfectly legitimate for the friends to wonder what the point in asking is.

It sounds like your friends are trying really hard to accommodate you eg suggesting meeting straight after work, or coming over to your house. But you are not giving them an inch.

I know you say you’d be there in an emergency, but if you’ve not been there for the humdrum day to day chats and moans, you won’t be the one they call on in an emergency.

Would you do a weeknight phone call? A zoom? A half-hour walk? If there is someone in particular who has been pushing to meet on weeknights have you thought that maybe they actually do really need someone to talk to?

I agree with this. I had the exact same boundary - if I were working the next day, it would have to be somethingvreally special to get me to socialise. My friends all respected this, and some also had the same boundary. We used to refer to it as "school nite" -as in, "Can't do that date, sorry. School nite."

I never lost a friend because if it.

The OP's friend sounds a bit of a dick, pushing at this boundary so persistently.

Typo edits

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. If you wouldn't enjoy socialising on a weeknight, there is no point doing it.

Why do you think she can't support them, keep up with their lives and help them through their issues at the weekend, or on the phone, or via social media, or when she's on annual leave?

Having people over to your house is more work than going to them, surely? I don't understand how that was offered as a less effort option? It's worse!

You certainly can for internet friends, or friends who are long distance.

but it’s clear this friendship group is footed in face to face contact, as many are.

I think this is quite rigid tbh.

It seems an odd thing to have a fixed policy on 🤷‍♀️

If it was every week I’d understand your point but for the occasional evening I think it’s OTT.

Reformed people pleasers are so often on here complaining about losing friends since they stopped their people-pleasing ways, but I think you also need to take some responsibility for creating the dynamic in the first place. If you have spent thirty years, 'bending and flexing and keeping everyone happy' at the expense of your own wishes, you've trained people to expect that kind of behaviour from you.

They're not mind-readers. They don't know that you spent three decades hating weekday evening socialising, and only doing it through gritted teeth because you thought it was your job to accommodate other people rather than yourself.

So, obviously they are puzzled when you suddenly change and become completely inflexible about what you won't do.

And I think you need to lose the delusion that all women are people-pleasers. They really aren't. Your friends have probably prioritised their own wishes all along, and don't know that you haven't, and that your current position on weekday evening socialising is so completely inflexible because you're reacting against a lifetime of doing things you didn't want.

So that contact can occur on weekends, or bank holidays, or when OP has annual leave or a day off in the week.

I'm very glad my friends aren't as needy as some people on here appear to be.

If people are pushy and they don't accept a polite decline, and they are the sort of person who sees your no as a start point for negotiation, then just save your breath and go for the I don't want to. For some reason it's the only thing some people hear. I once ended up telling SIL that I didn't love her enough to get out of bed that early at the weekend when she invited us to a birthday breakfast at 8am shes a fucking psycho .

This is so dismissive and self centred - so I'm having a bad divorce and want to meet up and share the problem, lean on my friend for support and im supposed to wait for a bloody bank holiday?!

There are some outstandingly shit friends on this thread!

Agreed. I have a friend who will only do Sunday afternoons and it is so annoying because that's the bit of the weekend where all DS's sports etc are done and we can finally all just sit down and watch a film or play a game. So we don't meet up all that often. If she suggested a Tuesday after work I'd be up for that. We just arrange our free time differently.

This is an interesting thread. I’m like you OP but tbh I DGAF if people don’t want to see me at ALL as a result of protecting my precious time!

I have about five really close friends, two of whom live in the same city but two live on another continent! Another lives about two hours away. Then another ‘outer inner’ circle around that, iykwim.

Basically my point is: we don’t need that many truly great friends to nourish us, particularly the introverts among us. I would find weekday meet ups pointlessly tiring and would - do - avoid them at all costs. You do you bae.

I can't remember the last time I went out on a week night or the last time I was invited. All my friends and family are also at home every week night relaxing and meet ups are at the weekend

OP, maybe there’s a slight compromise position here? I worked hard to create a circle of friends and hobby groups, and sometimes it takes a bit of effort to maintain things. Be a bit careful here

I don’t think you are being necessarily U but I do think you need to beware of the consequences. It’s become a bit too fashionably to fetishise being antisocial, and in fact can lead to MH problems in its own right. If these are good friends it would be a shame to lose them.

Personally I find weekends very difficult so if my friends took your stance the friendship probably would end up falling away. I’d also be a bit hurt you couldn’t occasionally make an exception.

If I’m honest I’d also be thinking that it’s surprising that you’re not considering work being a bit of an issue if you never go even for a quick drink Monday- Thursday. You may really love your job and I get that but it does seem a bit extreme. I’m absolutely not a party animal and my job can be brutal but I’m happy to do something social one night a week (by this I mean dinner and a couple of drinks and bed by midnight latest).

I also don’t agree that saying if you needed me I would come really cuts it. It’s all the little social contacts that can help us- not necessarily the big disasters. Sometimes I don’t even realise I’m stressed or pissed off until I’ve gone out and had a laugh, then I think god I really needed that!

You say yourself you have separate friendship groups. So by ruling out evenings, it could potentially be weeks and weeks before you meet up with a particular friend when juggling your family time too. You want it all on your terms.

I think you have to accept that some friends wouldn't be OK with that and if you're happy to take the risk, carry on as you are.

So you conveniently ignore the bit where I said "weekends" - which OP says includes a Friday night?

There's nothing "shit" about keeping work nights for yourself and seeing friends at weekends and on a Friday. If that makes me a "shit friend" then meh, so be it.

I really need my weekday evenings too - some people can just constantly go from one thing to another with no downtime, to me that's living hell.

But, I do sometimes do some things during the week, I just need to pace myself. So I say to myself I will do one evening a week MAX (doesn't have to be every week). Would something like that work?

I guess if you can see your friends on the weekend, then there's not too much wrong with saying you just don't go out on a school night, but if you are largely taken up with family stuff at the weekend then it seems you won't see them very often? And you do need to feed friendships if you want to keep them.

If I’m honest I’d also be thinking that it’s surprising that you’re not considering work being a bit of an issue if you never go even for a quick drink Monday- Thursday. You may really love your job and I get that but it does seem a bit extreme. I’m absolutely not a party animal and my job can be brutal but I’m happy to do something social one night a week (by this I mean dinner and a couple of drinks and bed by midnight latest).

I don't think it's extreme - it's just different preferences, surely?

I’ve ring-fenced my Sundays for years and refuse to book anything on that day with anyone. I felt quite guilty and furtive about it at first and used to make excuses, but I’m now completely honest with friends.

The friends who were really demanding about intruding on that personal time, interestingly, are the friends with whom I lost friendships for different reasons. I think some people can’t help but read it as a personal rejection, even if it’s nothing of the sort.

I could understand the unhappiness if a friend of yours was unable to ever take weekends off and you wouldn’t meet them halfway, but if they are equally happy to meet on weekends then there shouldn’t be any problem. Keep on doing what makes you happy!

We do also see each other at the weekend. We just arranged to go out for a long lunch 13th December. We also all chat in a WhatsApp group pretty much daily. But after we arranged the lunch people were saying that’s too long, let’s have a takeaway in between. I think a frequent level of face to face contact would have happened without trying before, as we’d see each other at all the kids activities and catch up, but I’m enjoying having those evenings back now I’m in a new stage of life, and I don’t want to make plans, I feel so much happier and healthier not rushing about anymore. I know it sounds really selfish.

Haha!
Im exactly the same and always have been.
I work in a very busy job with yapping all day.
Week school nights?
Absolutely no way am I going out.
Home by 5pm, bath, dinner and TV.
Bed at 10pm latest
My social battery is totally flat by then